Who makes up these words that age us? Can you imagine Meryl Streep ever being called a BABY BOOMER? She probably is an empty nester but doesn’t get that label either.
It is hard enough to love ourselves for the way we act and look without these childish labels. Yes I am older now. We all are.
My challenges aren’t impossible. I get very lonely, sad, confused, and want to quite some days. Show me the money so I can be freer!
My children are adults. Thank goodness. I have more time to hear myself and make choices for my weekends. Yes, I deeply miss connecting with them and seeing their adorable faces, interesting talks, and energetic bounces through the house. I can’t change that they are growing up. I can’t make them call or come for holidays. Who ever thought we as parents could have that power? I did think that in the beginning of my life when they went to college. I don’t anymore. I learned I had to live my life hour by hour and not expect from them. Bonus if my phone or email had a message.
I dream of living in a walking community with people who are at a similar availability. I want partnering and at the same time I am accepting solo time. My life is too important to waste on disappointments. Sure, I sob and tantrum but thank goodness I rise again.
I know people whose life has changed due to illness, pain and isolation with no answers, yet. My pain is real when it emerges whether in my head, heart, or body. I just keep gathering ways to cope. I let myself collapse to a movie in bed when I have little hope. I think one thing that catches me is friends who were there and aren’t. Love that seemed strong and isn’t. I have no answers for all that. I have no answers for why work, which I think is an honor and need, is so difficult to obtain, as we get older.
We hear do what you love. I think that, in the stage when children have left home, can be misleading. Do anything. In other countries people don’t have as many choices to think and choose as we do. Pick something to try.
Boomer, empty nester, we are people who want to share and sing. Becoming invisible needs a tailor.
Thank you for listening.
Do you feel like you are in the thick of it and just want a little opening of a better day?
For some parents, college acceptance letters are arriving , for others Spring Break with children deciding not to come home or the anxiety of transition, home and then gone again, differences and needs and getting the connection you long for with your changing children.
How do you shift a day where you feel trapped in your disappointments?
You have heard it over and over ….feel grateful for what you do have, even the ordinary days. Days where you aren’t sick, your car works, you can get outside, you have one friend, and you can do something creative.
A dad called me to chat about his emptiness that wasn’t caused by a silent house, but by the thoughts of NOW WHAT? Soon his son is heading to college and time is up. He said, TIME IS UP? I AM TRAPPED? Grieving came up. Tears fell. He needed a safe good cry and who doesn’t? A little light beamed through the thick of it when he dropped into how well he had loved his son and that the love would anchor them.
How do you handle a disappointing day? What gratitude can lift you even for a moment? “You are grateful that you……” Sometimes what worked for a lift doesn’t work and that is normal. You just don’t have the energy to shift.
That is ok too. If you can’t get your tears to fall and you need a good cry, turn on music or watch a movie to induct those tears. We all need to grieve changes. You won’t be forgotten.
Focus back on yourself and ask, WHAT do you want to do that would nurture you? ARE your expectations fantasy these days? HAVE you forgotten to make an inner connection with the bigger picture of your life? CAN you make peace with not knowing what you want to do or be and continue on your journey without being critical of yourself? Do you need some cheese and bread topped with jam or new pair of cozy socks? What about complaining, whining, tantruming? Seriously, we all do it.
Disappointments happen. Who wouldn’t be feeling stuck when disappointments continue and don’t beam any visible light?
Take good care,
Natalie
Cooking. Well not all of you. I met a woman last night at a celebration party who gave it up. What replaced that creativity? Nonprofit work for an author, long walks and whatever. She was so calm and clear about doing a little of this and a little of that which sounds like how she use to make up cooking recipes.
No longer does she feel like she has to make everything happen. She can exercise twice a week, meet a friend for dinner, work, do art, re-arrange her house furniture, research, see a movie. Well you get the idea. She
took the “charge” off of go go go do do do and she is very healthy and happy.
It isn’t easy to trust your instincts about what you will do for the day or evening, after work. There is an internal pusher that needs to be quieted. Do you have a part of you that thinks you don’t add value if you aren’t doing something?
What other ways, besides for your routine and work can ignite aliveness in you? Pause and make a note of what thought just popped in your mind. You think you will remember but often that flash is over so jot it down anywhere right now.
You get to begin something and change your mind. Take the pressure off of having to choose the RIGHT thing for you. Begin and notice if you feel more excited or depleted. Exercising might feel depleting until you awaken those muscles to a new habit.
What might be different for you this week if you quieted your chatter in your precious mind and tried a new way of living a day and evening beyond your necessary work? Maybe it is a shift in the way you work and what you are telling yourself as you respond to your to do list. Maybe it is daydreaming or walking buddle up simple to see what you see .
Share with us,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
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When I was in Vancouver I tried new foods and new trails.
The advantage of being a Boomer and Empty Nester is that I can make a wish list and actually complete it without watching the clock or dashing to the grocery store.
Vancouver had been on my wish list for years. There is always a reason you can come to that stops you from giving to yourself.
Money, time, health, being solo, and yet there is a voice within that could grow and tell you, just do it. Stop thinking about it so much and go for it.
I can drive myself crazy in my head with thoughts that limit me. Now I catch myself and say, Pack it up. Live it now.
Ask your friend to support you in focusing on you now. Use email or text or the phone for a week as a way for your friend to remind you to live it now.
It could be taking a drive or going to a movie in the day time. No one will punish you for having fun. Parents are care takers. Shift your role and care for you. Let me know what fun you put on your list and did.
Take care,
Natalie
I think most of us push ourselves too hard to do something when clarity hasn’t arrived.
Parents call me tearful that they can’t get over the emptiness. Who is rushing you?
Do you think if you float that might bring you something you didn’t even realize had value?
A mother, who now lives solo, since her children are married and she is divorced, was ready to explore what might be possible for her that would bring new meaning to her life.
Her mind chattered away daily at her to do something, snap out of it, get a life already.
It isn’t easy to change our habits of do do do . It isn’t easy to quiet the voice within that tells you that you aren’t doing enough or changing behaviors that you have wrestled with for years.
She did come to the place of feeling the beauty in simply floating with not knowing, not having any answers, yet. She struggled with this and stopped herself when the habitual chatter in her almost deafened her into exhaustion. One way she shifted into floating was to start her day and end her day differently.
She took her English breakfast tea for a morning walk. Mug in hand surrounded by red gloves and topped in a yellow hat, she walked for twenty minutes, sipping the warmth.
In the evening, she turned off the TV and read a mystery book, journaled and doodled in her writing pad. Music played and comforting soups adding the scent of home for her. She floats in her own beauty now of being enough and doing enough for now.
Beauty is in being. Clarity arrives when it arrives. Learn to trust you won’t be forgotten.
Take good care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188 Los Angeles, CA.
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I took this photo when I was in Washington, D.C. I keep it in my office to remind me of the bigger picture in life. How am I affecting others and what are my values? Am I carrying around issues in life that I need to put down?
A dad called to chat about feeling lost in the empty house. He was questioning his life in regards to what matters now and what doesn’t. Part of what he discovered is that he spent too much time spinning his worries in his head. He needed to grieve…cry and rest. Things didn’t work out the way he thought they would. He kept pushing forward rather than pausing. What comforted him was to remember the positive affect he has had on his children and that he has values that are solid, not inconsistent.
Write yourself a note about how you have positively affected your children. Is it from making your home feel safe? Is it your being there for them even when you were exhausted? Is it that you do hear them and don’t hammer them about what you think they SHOULD do in life rather than what they are exploring?
When you read the above questions what came to mind for you?
Take care,
Natalie
Empty Nesters and Boomers are partnering and going solo. What can they do to celebrate love? I love using my digital camera. I am a lover of gardens, oceans, and forests and lakes. I take my camera and shoot. I have no idea what speed or distance to stand. I experiment.
This week, I keep my photo of the feather image by my computer because it reminds me to flow. Love is a flow. Flow rather than getting stuck in your head or bored. I also keep a flower photo to remind me of wonderment and that Spring will return. Isn’t that love?
When I am doing things I love then I have more to give others. Life changes. Change is normal. I think changes keep us trusting rather than controlling. Change opens you to creativity. What do you know about yourself that you love doing?
You know I believe the more you know who you are and aren’t the more you can really see the other person. ..BE with another person. Celebrate love in a new way today. What will that be for you?
I am making these lemon cheese cakes for us. Well, they might look like that photo. Remind yourself of the love you have given and the love you have received.
Life changes. THE LOVE YOU FEEL FOR YOURSELF is always a celebration. Pass kindness on to your partners, children, family, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles…well you get the idea. Do something today that will bring up your love. What music lifts you to get up and sing or dance? Just do it for love today! Kick up the wild side.
Here is a quotation from Georgia OKeefe.
“When you take a flower in your hand and really look at it, it’s your world for the moment. I want to give that world to someone else. Most people in the city rush around, so they have no time to look at a flower. I want them to see it whether they want to or not.”
Have fun feelin the love. Let us know what you do to feel the love?
Natalie
This week emails and calls have been about the winter blues. Parents want to chat more with their children but the children aren’t interested. Don’t take it personally. They don’t care if it is snowing. Youth sends them out and about like an ordinary day. They don’t have fears of slipping and falling on the ice.
What can you do?
– Make a list of three things you really want to do or see before the end of 2010.
– Research your interests.
– Explore a class online.
– If you have been thinking about getting a pet, research that and email your friends to get the truth about caring for a pet.
– Make an emergency list of contact numbers, etc. Put it in your car and purse and on the refrigerator. Email the list to two of your friends.
– Write letters to friends and family.
– Do art. Collages, watercolors, photo books.
– Declutter one drawer, one closet at a time.
– Journal writing about how you want your summer to be.
– Plan ahead for what would be fun for you to do for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Make cards.
– Make a quotation basket for daily inspirations.
– Plan three new meals.
Any choice you make that lifts your spirits is a good choice. Try it and quit. Adults get to change their mind and not follow through. You can crumble an idea into the trash.
– Meditate for five minutes.
– Stretch for five.
– Deep Breathing for five.
We can do anything if we think it is for a short time. See where that leads you.
Put music on and rest in bed.
One of my new winter hot drinks is adding ground coffee to my hot chocolate and a dash of cinnamon.
Take good care and let us know how you are doing,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
This empty nester is on the countdown to the Super Bowl. Good reason to view the food photos again and share them with you.
Where have you had great food?
Being an empty nester, my wish has been to travel more. We don’t always get what we wish for, but this time I did. New Orleans music, people, and food are now a fun memory for me and a pull to return.
Here are some photos for you. What places are on your wish list to visit or bring you happy memories?
I feel lousy. I rarely see my children. I can’t afford to fly there nor can they fly back home.
The dread is they don’t really think about getting together as much as we do. I feel guilty about needing to be around them. Do other parents feel this way?
My image of family is time together. I can’t shake that. Family is number one for me in terms of meaning in life. I have tried every hobby and get away.
My conclusion is I like family. I don’t want to adopt or do for other families. I want mine while we are all still well and able to be together. I don’t think moving near them is the answer because it feels too uncertain. Uncertain money wise and if it would still give me family time, if that isn’t important to them.
We have had many talks about my feelings but no conclusions.
Does anyone have these feelings and how did you solve the situation?
Thanks for being here on this website of empty nesters.
Carrie
Thanks, Gaye, for sending me our childhood memory. Looks like a great day in the life and they just keep on keepin on.
Hey, can any of you recognize which one is me?
Send me an email natalie@emptynestsupport.com and guess which one just for the fun of it!. Natalie
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org