A mother called today wishing her son lived nearby so they could celebrate her milestone report of a clean bill of health.
The news brought up the good celebrations they shared as well as ones missed. She wept.
Tears are a good thing. We just don’t like those feelings for fear they will never end or they will exhaust us. Loneliness sits right next to the tears.
If earlier in life we had been taught crying and loneliness are normal and actually are tender moments, we might not fear or judge the weeping.
I try to remind myself these are simply feelings. Feelings show I am vulnerable which means I care. I’m alive. I don’t like my weeping either. I have learned how to comfort myself whether I am driving in the car or in bed, “You are having feelings, not monsters, feelings. You will be ok and this won’t last forever. You have felt sorrow before and survived.” Well, you get the idea. Self talk works for me, sometimes. Have you tried that?
Over and over we hear that it is time to change, learn how to be happy, get happy, choose happy which negates that sadness has deep value. When is the last time you heard someone being interviewed on TV or at lunch, talk about how they wept last night and never thought the tears would end?
Well, as a researcher of happiness said to me, “Mostly people need permission to feel whatever they are feeling. Then comes peace and happiness.”
May we give each other permission for all feelings and to reach for someone to hold us, even someone who might simply be online or lives in another city.
Take care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188 Los Angeles
YOU HAVE YOURSELF!
I think it was Pablo Picasso who stated, “All you really have is yourself.”
When we are younger, our circle of friends and gatherings are larger. That does not mean we don’t long for those friendships and events.
Parts of us want that life style and other parts don’t. We carry both all our life. So don’t kill off the inner parts that have a voice. They trigger what matters to us in the MOMENT.
When a client of mine went to a party it reminded her that parties were the norm when she was first married with little ones. She misses that now that her children are gone from home. She decided to have a pot luck party in February and notice how she feels.
Gatherings, travel, movies, lunch with a friend, classes, can stimulate parts of you that feel flat. I remember years ago, a teacher saying to me, it doesn’t really matter what you choose to do this weekend, just go do something and see what happens.
Choose an activity that ATTENDS TO YOU, not your worries and shoulds: a walk in an area you haven’t explored, a book signing, hiking, a massage, a golf lesson, a meditation class, a cooking class, an art opening or art class.
Try what might be fun and leave if it isn’t or don’t go back.
Nothing is forever except you being with you. You matter. Get to know who you are and aren’t and then reach towards fun.
I took some friends to a playground where children were climbing, running, chasing and snacking. We sat with coffee and talked about what came up for us. We honestly were glad those care-taking days were over. There were flutters of great memories and the idea that it could be fun for a couple of hours. (DREAMS OF BEING GRANDPARENTS) More than those thoughts, we watched to see how happy and playful those children were and to use that image to feed our PLAYTIME IN ADULT LIFE. We had come to a place of loving our NEW FREEDOM and it was not like that when our children first left home. We cried when we passed a playground or school of parents and children. Rarely do those tears drop now.
Pick something fun and write it on your calendar this week.
Take care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188 Los Angeles
Parents have a theme this week when we have our sessions: How do I let my children go?
Isn’t that a lifelong question? Keep yourself light which means unplug the clutter in your head. We chatter so much inside our precious mind that there is no room for newness or peace.
You began letting them go when you dropped them off at Kindergarten. It wasn’t easy in the beginning and then you found a new rhythm and trust.
Focus on you. Are you having fun? You know all the other subjects about you, like eating well, etc and we forget to plan for fun. Pick anything and see if you like it. One mom, who is single, takes tango lessons to feel vibrant and laugh.
Letting go brings tears and fears at times and those times might be surprising. You think you have your new rhythm and then tears. Tears and fears are feelings. What is wrong with feelings? You don’t have to change being vulnerable. Vulnerable is precious and part of being alive. If you feel you are overwhelmed with the tears and fears then for sure you deserve help. You chat with a physician and gather information. Empty nest is a major life transition and challenging. You can’t imagine the shift until you are sitting in the silent, empty house. You hurt. That is normal so don’t go through the journey alone.
Add beauty to your home. What would that be for you?
What do you seem to do each week that lifts you, which might give you clue of what you like?
There will be lonely, boring days and no communication with your children. Life includes those days. Good news is, it is a day in the life that still is your life. You don’t have to figure it out, make it better, change, shift, etc. Sometimes life is lonely and boring. We live with paradoxes and that isn’t easy.
Let your children lead. If you remind yourself you are “unemployed” from the role you had as a parent, that reminder helps with a reality check. They need to grow up. You did a good job so they could be out there in the world without you.
You just need a buddy who understands. Change is never a walk in the park. Ask for help. You would help someone if they called you.
Take good care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
So I get out of bed, work, feel productive and finish my to do list. I present great ideas at our conference meeting and laugh with colleagues. I drive home, click on the music and chop the tomatoes for dinner before hubby comes home. He and I make tacos and slowly become quiet.
I feel done. Done with cheering myself on that life is still so great. Done with the list of goals for 2010 and of course, exercise like last year, is top on my list. Done. Done. Done.
You know the truth for me, as Oprah would say, is that I am done doing the one role I never had to work at or make goals for and that is parenting. Love it. I don’t want to be done. Yes, done with car pool and meetings and crying kids who need more attention. Done with staying up late to go and pick them up after a party. Done with their fever and stomach aches and OMG their homework support. I am not done with hearing them on their phone or having their friends stand in the kitchen while I cook up a study group meal. I am not done with birthday parties and Halloween costumes. I am not done simply knowing they are in the house. But done it is.
They are in college. I am home. This back and forth roller coaster is difficult. I mean who am I when they are here and who am I when they are in college?
People say get over it. This is not really a problem. People say find the peace. Find the gratitude of your life. Pick new adventures and hobbies and causes to get involved with.
That doesn’t work for me. I miss my role and more than that, I miss seeing them grow up and up and up. I miss hearing them talk on and on as only that age of girls can do. They are just vibrant and adventuresome and basically have all the time in the world. I don’t.
So truth is empty nest is empty. I am empty of their sound, ideas, and them needing me as much as they use to. I am empty of their sweet sleeping faces.
Sure I am fine. Fine isn’t enough right now. I truthfully know that the past was great as their mom and the future will still hold me as their mom but I will change. They will change and I don’t have as much dream life time as I did. I don’t have that feeling of forever their mom. Yep, they are growing up and my numbers are climbing the ladder. Where did my years go and where am I headed without their schedule mixed with mine? Could I plan a study abroad trip at my age of life? Ha ha.
Well thanks for listening to my emptiness today. I know you get it.
Lisa
A sign. A message. A signal. An unexpected experience.
Like other free Sundays, I often drive the Malibu Canyon to be in nature. I walk the beach, This morning I was driving alone around nine am. It was warm and clear with the bonus of soft lighting on the mountains and leaves.
Suddenly a deer leaped in front of my car. The deer was so light, beautiful and fast. I was stunned. I looked out my rear window and pointed to the car behind me, as if to say, “Did you see that?”
I had plenty of room to put on my brakes. I never felt my life was in danger or that I was close enough that I could have hit and killed the deer.
I was fine. Until a few minutes later as I was still driving my silver car down the canyon and I burst out crying. I thought, “This deer was simply in her neighborhood, crossing the road and in an instant her life could have changed.” I kept thinking about how silent, large and graceful she was.
I thought about my friend who died a week ago. I thought about another friend who did have a heart attack on the canyon road, went off the cliff and died.
One vulnerability, like feeling you could have hit a deer, can trigger other memories of vulnerability/loss.
My thoughts weren’t filled with the possibility that I could have died or the deer, but more with the WONDERMENT OF SEEING A DEER on a road I drive monthly. THE UNEXPECTED.
In the evening, I looked up the symbology of deer. I decided it was a message for me….. a theme for 2010.
Last year in December, I was walking alone in Northern California in an area I never explored. Suddenly, a herd of WHITE DEER leaped across the meadow. I felt ecstatic. Tears feel.
DEER. I think they are my “Medicine Totem.”
I read where is said something like Deer Totem people are swift and alert. They love all and carry heart space. They know the beauty of balance. Deer people are intuitive and have extra sensory perception. They know they can’t change anyone. They accept who a person is. They live unconditional love and compassion.
I do relate to the deer totem animal. Now I will pay even more attention to those traits and acknowledge what I have learned to become. When I leave my deer behind, I will hopefully see her leaping and anchor myself into her.
I believe I did receive a “sign” “gift” for the New Year. WONDERMENT and EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED.
Where did I feel wonderment last year and how do I want to add more of that experience this year?
Do you believe in “signs?” If you were an animal, which would you choose to be? Two decades ago I chose a giraffe.
I hope to read your comments here. I pass WONDERMENT TO YOU in the NEW BEGINNING of 2010.
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
Featured in TIME MAGAZINE, ASSOCIATED PRESS, LIFETIME RADIO FOR WOMEN, BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS, and more www.emptynestsupport.com
What is one thing or more that made you happy in 2009? Write about that time and let yourself feel the happiness again.
I remind myself in a dull day to reflect on SHIFTING MY ATTITUDE…to see what is lovely about my life and at the same time, I keep that aloe soft Kleenex in hand for the sadness and disappointments.
You may have days that are solo vs. calling them days of being alone. As you know, our society doesn’t value solitude and what it has to teach us. Winter is an incubation and reflection time. What comforts you? Write it so you have that reminder on a hopeless day.
There is no right way to begin a NEW YEAR. There is a lot of talk about goals. Know who you are and who you aren’t and from there, reach for a shift that you want to grow within.
Breathe. I too forget to check in with my body and feel if I am holding my breath. I am reminding myself to take three deep breathes during my day and evening in the hopes I build a new habit.
My compassion and curiosity remain strong for 2010. I wish that for you and your loved ones as well as the practice of LOVING THE LIFE you have right now. Write what you do love about yourself and your life.
Happy, peaceful, healthy New Year to you, my ongoing community of brave hearts, who persevere, held by the beauty of LIFE, our greatest teacher….LIFE!
Take good care and let’s celebrate together in 2010 and hold each other’s hands when the tears fall.
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
Featured in Time Magazine, Chicago Tribune, Associated Press, and Lifetime Radio for Women and more…. www.emptynestsupport.com
I imagine when you look back at that hug goodbye and then sitting in your silent house, it still brings a little tear. It was so painful that sometimes you just couldn’t find words. Your role as a parent instantly changed. Your routine and connection emptied.
So what have you learned about yourself? As the year comes to end I hope you make time, after the celebrations and gift opening to acknowledge the strength in grieving and trying something new that fell upon you in your emptiness. You couldn’t will it away or talk it away.
One mother shared with me that she simply let herself be whatever she was because she always had courage and trusted something would shift. At the same time, she had no idea it would last for months; fatigue, inertia, confusion, loneliness, and no solutions. She didn’t feel like she had a place for all the emotions and “oldness” she felt. She thought she was having crazy thoughts like, “did I waste all those years giving to the family and for what, should I have planned for this emptiness, should I just take off for an adventure out of the country money or not, will anyone really take care of me and check on me, will I be one of those who never finds meaning and simply fades away into tasks and work?” She just didn’t want to miss out on life now that she was supposedly free of parenting full time.
Today she reflects on her new career and new friends she made who also travel the empty nest. She took classes online and lived more in the moment than the past or fear of the lonely future. She asked for help. There were days she felt non-motivated and lonely but she let it be and even let herself feel sorry for her empty life and the times she felt she missed out.
I think we forget to focus on the good we are and to share that with our friends. We share our challenges and we play which is fabulous. We can also acknowledge what we are proud of and tell our stories of how we had a great day simply feeling happy.
So, what are you loving about yourself?
Take good care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
– Holiday gatherings get smaller.
– Children come home and leave or never leave.
– Lovers divorce.
– Friends are unavailable.
– Careers end.
– Parents die.
– Dreams don’t happen.
You have already lived changes. What if you had a chat with yourself
that went something like this? You know another change is coming. What
do you need to do to prepare for change?
My answer for now is kindness and looking at behavior.
People talk too much about what they want to do, will do and yet their
behavior is predictable. The same actions as last month and the month
before. Maybe you have had trouble grieving the reality that the talk
isn’t equal to the behavior. Do you know what I mean?
When you are kind to yourself, what are you doing, thinking about, and
saying to yourself. I can handle this. It will end. I know how to
self-care daily. I am human and make mistakes. I took another risk and
it didn’t give me what I hoped it would. I can pause and my world will
still love me.
When you are looking at your behavior and others behavior in your life,
what pops up?
Acceptance doesn’t mean forever. It means for now. Love isn’t forever.
Love lifts us and keeps a fire lit for tomorrow.
May you know who you are and love yourself no matter what,then you can
hold another.
I appreciate your being part of our community that stays curious and
compassionate as we all are building our unique new roadmap beyond
parenthood.
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
www.emptynestsupport.com
Hi everyone,
I am new to this online community. I feel safe already
.
I regret I didn’t do more for myself when raising my family. I was the good wife, pleaser, loyal friend and daughter. I care take well and my children love that.
I am over it now. I worked but love of family was on my top list. Now they are happy and out of the house.
Time for me to look ahead. I don’t have a lot of friends like I use to. My family is gone. I am here.
I watch less TV so I don’t get the blues of not having the house decorated, parties, right clothes to wear, shop shop shopping and oh aren’t the holidays such a wonderful time for friends and family. For some, yes. No one wants to talk about the groups who don’t have all that inspiration and gathering.
I am moving ahead. I make lists of what I will do when I am ready, like a book club at the house.
I cry and then get over myself. I really have a good enough life. I can be happy so that is what I am wishing for. New life with a friend, passions, and surprises that make me laugh. I want to use the talents I have and keep healthy in my mind and body.
Sometimes I wait too long to give to myself so I wrote a note in my bathroom, “Give to Lindsey today.”
I have an anonymous mentor who is wonderful. I am not an alcoholic. I am a survivor of bad days. I really wish for all of you that you find someone to help you when the blues trap you.
Happy life forward,
Lindsey
My reminder to you and myself…
Make the time to refresh so you can endure whatever comes your way. What does refresh mean to you?
I have been drinking more hot chocolate with pumpkin spices and simply sitting, not reading, not thinking. I still practice taking deep breaths and closing my eyes. I bundle up and get outside noticing all the colors and how big the brown and yellowish fig leaves are that drop, leaving the tree empty. I like that look.
My daily practice, for years, is to ask, how am I feeling and what do I need right now. It works for me. It has become automatic like brushing my teeth. I like feeling connected with myself and getting into the moment. If I don’t ask me, who will? If I don’t get here now verses reviewing how Thanksgiving went or what I want to do to decorate for the holidays, I am not refreshing myself. What practices do you do?
Beauty makes me feel vibrant and grateful. I move things around in each room and take away more than leave out, as I go room to room. I like open spaces. I am growing paper whites and amaryllis, stunning and unpredictable as far as when they will bloom and how long their beauty will fill the room. I like to photograph the stages. I do it every year.
I play more music and less television. I love bowls, baskets, and blankets and candles. I fill empty vases with greenery from the yard. I leave books on the tables, some poetry or photography or a child’s story like Olivia.
– I have water in a bowl with a floating flower.
– If my office gets over loaded with notes, research books, and papers, at the end of the day, – I put them in a basket so my space looks organized and I don’t feel overwhelmed with the to do’s of work life. Fresh branches from our eucalyptus tree or cut rosemary from the back yard bush fills a vase in my office and always a candle for focus, calmness, or prayer.
– I love paper and pens. I switch photos for inspiration and memories.
– Yes, I talk to myself…good job, Natalie. I know you didn’t want to do that but sometimes you have to do things you don’t like.
Refresh before the next holiday by getting to know more about yourself and treating yourself very well. I thought I was good at refreshing until the other day when I was so exhausted and feeling lonely. I realized I needed to stop and have no responding time and emptiness to my day and evening.
What will you do to refresh before the next holiday?
Take good care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Los Angeles 818-763-0188
You think you can do and be it all for others during the holidays:
– Make scrumptious meals
– Decorate your home with sparkles and colors of beauty and aroma
– Add music and laughter
– Look dazzling and vibrant
– Light the fire and open the bar
– Spiffy the house in go green cleanliness
– Comfort and care for returning children
– Choose topics of conversation that won’t ruffle anyone’s feathers
– Make donations to the Food Drive
– Ask what everyone is grateful for in their life
– Set the tone of love and peace
You can probably add even more images and expectations for the holidays
I too am reminding myself to simply BE MYSELF and check in with ME… “How are you doing, what are you feeling and what do you need right now?” After all… if not now, WHEN……we are or most of us are, in our forties, fifties, sixties and isn’t it time to love who we are? Enjoy these gatherings no matter what we don’t have, can’t be, don’t want to be, or can’t make happen?
I know it isn’t easy to avoid the pop up voices in our head of how it was or should be …expectations. I am going to hope for awareness, give hugs, laugh, listen, and eat whatever yummy foods I desire (pumpkin pie and stuffing).
Happy Thanksgiving includes YOU.
Take care,
Natalie
The tears just fall. You thought you were over the pain. You never imagined there were so many tears in a body, but there they are, irritating your nose and quivering your lip.
HELP LIST:
Life is complex. We get tired of pulling ourselves up to be the best we can be. That pusher part of us can be over rated in times where being the best you can be is being in touch with what you are thinking and feeling…simply being with yourself as you are and not fixing anything about you or having to do anything for others.
You won’t stay in that place forever. A new wave will carry you to the outer world, again. Trust that you know yourself and will know what you need. Go inside and ask, “WHAT DO I NEED TODAY AND HOW CAN I HAVE THAT FOR MYSELF?”
Take care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188 Los Angeles, CA
www.emptynestsupport.com
Featured in TIME MAGAZINE, N.Y. TIMES, BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS, ASSOCIATED PRESS,LIFETIME RADIO FOR WOMEN, and more.
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org