Well here is my update.
Next week I am headed to present LIFE IN TRANSITION, NOW WHAT? I will be at Rancho La Puerta Resort and SPA…yes, lucky me, along with Rick Bayless, top chef winner. I have never been there so you know what it is like when you are preparing for a trip…exciting, curious, long lists, travel check list, house clean up, warning my sweet Sophie cat that I am leaving but I always come back…remember telling our children that one???
I hope to share with all you what I experience…wish I could take you with me. I will try and get photos to share and of course I will have a story, at least one or two of what I experienced. So what is up for YOU next week? More and more I realize setting a goal big or little is fun and that it actually helps you get down that road. I made many calls before I got this goal of presenting there. Yes, I do love to persevere…that is the easy part for me.
So review what is easy for you and what is a bit of a drag and still go for it…I even cleaned out a disgusting cupboard last night just to release some energy. WOW that felt so great… an overdue goal. We don’t always meet our goals. We do always learn something on the way.
I want to remind you to review what is wonderful about you, daily, as well as the challenges you are feeling. I know goodbyes just happened and that is an ouch. We are all here to hold each other’s hand so that no one goes through this major transition alone. So again, what is up for you next week?
Can be any idea…reviewing your relationships…exploring a new part of town, meeting a friend for coffee, thinking about taking a class, sipping a new tea?
Take care, Natalie
POST WHAT IS UP FOR YOU NEXT WEEK right here or email me, natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Hi,
I am not new at empty nest. My son is a junior in college now. I’m his mother. I think I will just always say, “I’m his mother,” but it is starting to sound vacant since no one is listening. I don’t even listen to myself when I say that.
I haven’t found the I’m……..For awhile I volunteered and that was good but I don’t want to do that now. I do work because I have to.
I’m ok with not filling in my own blank yet of what I am. I get that it is my journey. What is difficult for me is this new role with my son.
I still want him to call more often and I know he won’t. That doesn’t take away wanting to hear what’s up, but I understand he has to do his own thing. This shift of role is what doesn’t come easily for me. I am trying to make that ok that it just isn’t easy. I don’t text him like I use to but I do check my phone to see if he sent any message and I check my emails. I am his mother. See I am still saying that and thought I wouldn’t. It is just that I am in a hurry to say more about me . I don’t expect to ever not say I am his mother. I just want to be more and I want to shift thinking mother first and be more of me and then mother.
Not easy to express but I am so glad to be with other empty nesters.
Thank you,
Meredith
Some of you might be crying and hopefully carrying the softest Kleenex you can get your hands on and others might be feeling a sigh of relief that the house is yours, again, and your children have returned to college or work. Then there is the combo feeling and at different times of the day and night when you least expect it.
So does that mean, you suddenly feel anxious, immobile, dancing on tables to move ahead with your liberation, nostalgic for what was and might not be quite the same, or a dab of wanting to simply sit and ponder your life?
I have had all of the above feelings over the years of shifting my mother role, and trying on different hats of interest and new meaning.
It is a journey and not glue that finally sticks. Children come back. Life changes whether we like it or not. So how do you show up? What do you know about yourself and what are you clueless about today? Write it down. You know how I feel about the power of writing for ah ha, release, and time with self. What do you value about you? Go ahead and acknowledge yourself. We just don’t spend enough time loving ourselves that way and we need that love song sung to ourselves and by ourselves… so SING OUT…I just love that I am so………… ta da …now that wasn’t so painful was it?
Post here or email me, natalie@emptynestsupport.com WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT and/or FEELING THESE DAYS? WHAT’S UP WITH WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT YOURSELF AND ARE CLUELESS ABOUT TODAY?
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
On the web www.emptynestsupport.com
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What was your response? Write it down so you don’t forget. Now, after writing whatever popped in, what does that bring up for you?
I have had parents across the country tell me they feel uncomfortable giving to themselves. I think it is like a muscle we forgot we could use. So, just step towards one thing you can feel that you like.
– Taking a short drive.
– Buying flowers
– New tea or coffee to have at home
– Music
– Seeds to plant
– Hitting golf balls
You get the idea.
Sure, money is tight; you are tired, non -motivated today….so ask someone to help you.
You would help them. Shut off the YES BUT, in your head or the HAMSTER LIKE BEHAVIOR who spins over and over. Do something great for you. Is that ordering in food, watching a movie on TV, or sitting in the park watching the dog trainers?
We forget we might enjoy something one day and not another. Give something a try. Leave if you aren’t in the mood and thought you were. Visit a bookstore, library, or Apple store.
“Self-care is never a selfish act—it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift on earth that I was offered to give to others. Anytime we can listen to true self, and give it the care it requires, we do so not only for ourselves, but for the many others lives we touch.” Parker Palmer
Give yourself a retreat at home. What nurtures you? Begin to practice being and not having to accomplish anything today or responding to what someone wants you to do, or thinks is best for you…YOU ARE BEST FOR YOU, by getting to know who you are today and what matters to you right in this moment.
Take very good care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188 Los Angeles, Ca.
Featured in Time Magazine, Lifetime Radio for Women, Washington Post, radio, and more
Change is inevitable. Get ready. Get support.
No one needs to go through a transition alone.
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I just want to remind you, love wins every day.
I remember one freshman day, I had the “want me’s.” So I called my daughter, “I know I am being a pest today trying to reach you and you are busy. I am fine. I just want to hear your voice or get a text, so could you give it to me. I am having a tantrum here on the office floor because I miss you. Can’t you stop me with an email or instant message or call? I think you can. I think you can. Just do it. Then you will be done with me, for now.
She left a voice message, laughing because she knows my humor. I got up off the floor . I was fine. I needed that love and I asked for it. Who wouldn’t have the want me’s when you love and miss someone?
Do you know the book and song by Robert Munch, “I’ll love you forever; I’ll love you for always; as long as you’re living my baby you’ll be?”
I still sing it to my daughter, Rachael. She is in her 20’s. Actually, I don’t know if I have the songwriter/author correct but I do have the melody and words freshly in my mind. I have been singing it to her since pre-school.
Love your children no matter if they are heading up the road to adulthood. They need your love. They love knowing you have their back no matter what.
At this cycle of change, it doesn’t mean..ok see ya. I will step away and not connect unless you want me to. I will not be a helicopter parent. You have wings now, so fly.
It means the love is not lead in the same as your past role with your children. A new dance that includes stepping on each other’s toes is on the floor now. Not that we haven’t crushed each other before, but the surroundings and inner and outer dialogue has definitely changed.
You know this and this is part of why the tears fall. They fall whether you like it or not. Go ahead and cry. They won’t freak or they might, as I know my daughter doesn’t like when she sees me cry, but it doesn’t destroy her. My tears never made her want to care-take me or change her mind about the direction she needed to drive.
I just want to remind you, love wins every day.
Get some love. Give some love. Rest and then reach for your wish list.
Take very good care of yourselves,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Featured in Time Magazine, Radio, Better Homes and Gardens and more…take a look at the articles on her website: www.emptynestsupport.com
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Melanie called my office, as have others last week and this, “How long will I be crying? What can I do?”
The memories still are fresh for me when I hugged my daughter goodbye at the dorm, dropped off my rental car, and then flew, alone 3000 miles to a silent house. Now I love it, but then, I hurt.
What to do?
1. You will miss your children, so go ahead and cry. Who wouldn’t be crying waving goodbye to someone you have lived with and loved since birth.
2. Ask yourself during the day and evening, “What do I need today?” Give it to yourself.
You have been the giver, now turn that energy towards you. No guilt, no shoulds, no comparisons to others.
3. Let your children be. If you call more than you feel is ok or text or IM, or email, you stay too much in their head as a voice. They need to hear themselves think and feel. They too are building a new life. Let them grow taller.
4. Write your wish list. “I wish I could……Fill it in without stopping to re- read it or analyze it. Writing brings forth parts that don’t always show up while thinking in the car. Read it out loud after you write. Karen shared with me on the phone session that after she wrote her wishes, she surprised herself, “I wish I could do nothing all month and be spontaneous.”
5. Journal, “What might give me a healthy lifestyle now? What needs a little or a big overhaul that I can do in baby steps?”
Empty nest is a real, major life transition. Treat yourself well as you would treat a friend going through the journey.
Ask for help. Make a plan during the week to connect with others and write it on the calendar. Carry aloe Kleenex.
Your life will not be filled with months of tears. New parts of you will show up and you will feel a joy you never imagined.
For now, let yourself be.
Take good care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800 446 3310 toll free Los Angeles
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First of all, I am a foodie. Therefore I am not empty. Empty in the tummy is a no no for me.
When my daughter and I were visiting colleges in Chicago, Rick’s restaurant did not disappoint. His menus are framed in my kitchen.
CONGRATULATIONS to TOP CHEF WINNER, RICK BAYLESS. His winning doubles his ability to give to his charities. Rick’s wife will never want to go out to dinner because he cooks the best meals year round. Lucky her. I am sure she is grateful for every savory flavor.
I too am lucky. I am presenting October 3, 2009 at Rancho La Puerta Resort and Spa, LIFE IN TRANSITION, NOW WHAT, and guess what? Dreams do come true….Rick Bayless will be presenting and cooking when I am there. I am so excited to cook with him.
Come join us. I know it sounds crazy with the economy and responsibilities, but you, parents, who always are the givers, need to just do it if you can.
Check under Events on my website in order to click to receive information about LIFE IN TRANSITION, NOW WHAT? www.emptynestsupport.com
I am very grateful for this opportunity and would love to meet you there.
Take care during this major transition of hugging your sweeties goodbye for now.
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
“Don’t worry about what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” Robert Thurman
I read that to a group and their hands went up. “I don’t know what is next for me?” The wobbling of not knowing seems to take away from the message.
Write down what makes you come alive. This is not solely about money, a career, being productive, or making a difference.
This is time for you. You who are sitting in the empty nest or on your way.
So do it now. Write down what makes you come alive. Don’t think too much, simply write without going back to read what you write.
– Food
– Hiking
– Having a few people over to your home
– Bookstores
– Music
– Baking
– Scrapbooking
– Travel
– Watching children ride their bikes or dig in the sand
– Art exhibits
– Trying a new wine
– Dancing
– Calling an old friend and catching up
– Getting in the car and driving out of town
– Reading a mystery , love novel
– Hearing an inspiring story
– Getting help with a project or idea
– Being invited to a party
– Planning a trip
– Holidays
– Movies
– Swimming
Well, you get the idea. Now write your ideas. Go back and read them out loud, slowly. Which ones stick in your heart?
Write again. Read it out loud. If there is one you want to try, mark it on the calendar and do it that day.
Be your own explorer by focusing back on yourself, learning what matters to you now.
It takes practice and some days you won’t want to do anything. Ok by me. Is that ok by you?
Enjoy the end of this summer season . Plan something for yourself.
Take good care,
Natalie
800-446-3310 Los Angeles
Parents ask me, “How do I figure out what is next for me?” One thing that helps is talking about your interests and then following up in a week. Schedule the follow up on your calendar before you hang up the phone.
I too need inspiration and clarity outside of myself. I notice women have a harder time asking for help. This is YOUR TIME. Sure, you feel vulnerable, especially when you are clueless about what to ask or how to explore, and you are feeling off balance because you miss your children. Get help.
I have asked other experts to hear my thoughts and feelings around raising my bar and to suggest what they would do or have done. I ask what mistakes they made or how they would do it over if they could. I feel so good after I hang up the phone. I have more energy to do the work.
A spark of inspiration and concrete to do’s works for me. I believe people will say no or tell me what they need if I call for help. Remembering that allows me to ask for support. They know how to respond to my exploration and I believe if they don’t, they will tell me that and head me to someone who might be of help. Positive beliefs and action to persevere, shuts off the negative chatter in your head where you spin over and over rather than reaching for the phone or writing an email.
Mistakes will happen. So what? You get to start over and to change your mind.
So raise your bar with people who are willing to hold it for you.
Make a list of what you would ask and who you would call. Perfection needs to stay in the car. You can fumble over what to ask. Do research. Write it on your calendar, Tuesday I will research more websites. Wednesday I will call or email five people. Move your ideas out of your head and into a conversation. Let me know by emailing me, natalie@emptynestsupport.com, how raising your bar worked for you. Some call it accountability. I call it partnering
Take good care,
Natalie
– Just featured In Time Magazine, August 24, 2009
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org