Melanie called my office, as have others last week and this, “How long will I be crying? What can I do?”
The memories still are fresh for me when I hugged my daughter goodbye at the dorm, dropped off my rental car, and then flew, alone 3000 miles to a silent house. Now I love it, but then, I hurt.
What to do?
1. You will miss your children, so go ahead and cry. Who wouldn’t be crying waving goodbye to someone you have lived with and loved since birth.
2. Ask yourself during the day and evening, “What do I need today?” Give it to yourself.
You have been the giver, now turn that energy towards you. No guilt, no shoulds, no comparisons to others.
3. Let your children be. If you call more than you feel is ok or text or IM, or email, you stay too much in their head as a voice. They need to hear themselves think and feel. They too are building a new life. Let them grow taller.
4. Write your wish list. “I wish I could……Fill it in without stopping to re- read it or analyze it. Writing brings forth parts that don’t always show up while thinking in the car. Read it out loud after you write. Karen shared with me on the phone session that after she wrote her wishes, she surprised herself, “I wish I could do nothing all month and be spontaneous.”
5. Journal, “What might give me a healthy lifestyle now? What needs a little or a big overhaul that I can do in baby steps?”
Empty nest is a real, major life transition. Treat yourself well as you would treat a friend going through the journey.
Ask for help. Make a plan during the week to connect with others and write it on the calendar. Carry aloe Kleenex.
Your life will not be filled with months of tears. New parts of you will show up and you will feel a joy you never imagined.
For now, let yourself be.
Take good care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800 446 3310 toll free Los Angeles
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First of all, I am a foodie. Therefore I am not empty. Empty in the tummy is a no no for me.
When my daughter and I were visiting colleges in Chicago, Rick’s restaurant did not disappoint. His menus are framed in my kitchen.
CONGRATULATIONS to TOP CHEF WINNER, RICK BAYLESS. His winning doubles his ability to give to his charities. Rick’s wife will never want to go out to dinner because he cooks the best meals year round. Lucky her. I am sure she is grateful for every savory flavor.
I too am lucky. I am presenting October 3, 2009 at Rancho La Puerta Resort and Spa, LIFE IN TRANSITION, NOW WHAT, and guess what? Dreams do come true….Rick Bayless will be presenting and cooking when I am there. I am so excited to cook with him.
Come join us. I know it sounds crazy with the economy and responsibilities, but you, parents, who always are the givers, need to just do it if you can.
Check under Events on my website in order to click to receive information about LIFE IN TRANSITION, NOW WHAT? www.emptynestsupport.com
I am very grateful for this opportunity and would love to meet you there.
Take care during this major transition of hugging your sweeties goodbye for now.
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
“Don’t worry about what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” Robert Thurman
I read that to a group and their hands went up. “I don’t know what is next for me?” The wobbling of not knowing seems to take away from the message.
Write down what makes you come alive. This is not solely about money, a career, being productive, or making a difference.
This is time for you. You who are sitting in the empty nest or on your way.
So do it now. Write down what makes you come alive. Don’t think too much, simply write without going back to read what you write.
– Food
– Hiking
– Having a few people over to your home
– Bookstores
– Music
– Baking
– Scrapbooking
– Travel
– Watching children ride their bikes or dig in the sand
– Art exhibits
– Trying a new wine
– Dancing
– Calling an old friend and catching up
– Getting in the car and driving out of town
– Reading a mystery , love novel
– Hearing an inspiring story
– Getting help with a project or idea
– Being invited to a party
– Planning a trip
– Holidays
– Movies
– Swimming
Well, you get the idea. Now write your ideas. Go back and read them out loud, slowly. Which ones stick in your heart?
Write again. Read it out loud. If there is one you want to try, mark it on the calendar and do it that day.
Be your own explorer by focusing back on yourself, learning what matters to you now.
It takes practice and some days you won’t want to do anything. Ok by me. Is that ok by you?
Enjoy the end of this summer season . Plan something for yourself.
Take good care,
Natalie
800-446-3310 Los Angeles
Parents ask me, “How do I figure out what is next for me?” One thing that helps is talking about your interests and then following up in a week. Schedule the follow up on your calendar before you hang up the phone.
I too need inspiration and clarity outside of myself. I notice women have a harder time asking for help. This is YOUR TIME. Sure, you feel vulnerable, especially when you are clueless about what to ask or how to explore, and you are feeling off balance because you miss your children. Get help.
I have asked other experts to hear my thoughts and feelings around raising my bar and to suggest what they would do or have done. I ask what mistakes they made or how they would do it over if they could. I feel so good after I hang up the phone. I have more energy to do the work.
A spark of inspiration and concrete to do’s works for me. I believe people will say no or tell me what they need if I call for help. Remembering that allows me to ask for support. They know how to respond to my exploration and I believe if they don’t, they will tell me that and head me to someone who might be of help. Positive beliefs and action to persevere, shuts off the negative chatter in your head where you spin over and over rather than reaching for the phone or writing an email.
Mistakes will happen. So what? You get to start over and to change your mind.
So raise your bar with people who are willing to hold it for you.
Make a list of what you would ask and who you would call. Perfection needs to stay in the car. You can fumble over what to ask. Do research. Write it on your calendar, Tuesday I will research more websites. Wednesday I will call or email five people. Move your ideas out of your head and into a conversation. Let me know by emailing me, natalie@emptynestsupport.com, how raising your bar worked for you. Some call it accountability. I call it partnering
Take good care,
Natalie
– Just featured In Time Magazine, August 24, 2009
Dear Natalie,
It’s funny … I’ve been in such a funk and these past two days it has gotten much worse. I know I’m suffering from empty nest syndrome and I’m feeling lost. I can’t seem to make myself do much except putts around. So I Googled “empty nest” and found your site.
My circumstances are slightly different, however. Our son has not left our nest. He’s only just graduated eighth grade. I know it’s still a transition time. He went away to a camp for two weeks, and that’s when it all started to hit me. I realized that it’s just around the corner that he will be going off on his own. I missed him so much while he was at camp!! Since he has been back (less than a week now), he’s never home. He doesn’t like to hang out here with his friends, and he doesn’t spend much time here at all. I miss him and I feel like I’ve already lost him.
So I’m sad and feeling lonely. I realize I need to fill that void in my life a little. And I do realize that things will change a little bit when school starts in a few weeks. But I’m also scared for him. He’s not interested in fall sports, and I’m worried he won’t get involved in anything and go the wrong direction.
I work from home, and this summer is particularly slow, which doesn’t help matters.
I’m disappointed, too, that he doesn’t hang out and bring friends around. I think that would be fulfilling for me, too. And I’m also disappointed that he won’t be involved in sports for myself, too, for the adult/student social aspect.
Having been in counseling quite a bit in my life, I know all the things that I should do to help myself through this time, but I’m still feeling stuck in this funk. I feel like I’m grieving. You know … you know it will get better, but you just can’t help it right now. I just want to curl in a ball and cry. (I know it sounds like depression, but I’ve had that under control w/ medication and counseling).
Anyway, your site helped, and writing this e-mail has helped just a little. Maybe it will help someone else who feels like I do to read my story.
Thanks,
Brenda
A mom called today saying she would rather have the two new experimental swine flu shots then be packing up her son for college. She always faints when a needle comes into her vision and gets rashes after the shots.
She went on to say, humor has gotten her through challenging times but not this goodbye.
Taking the pain of goodbye away won’t happen. Stocking up on the best Kleenex is a must.
I really feel for the parents going through this transition right now. You simply are going to have to give up stuffing back those tears.
Remember:
– You need support. So make a plan before you come back to a silent, empty house. You just need one friend to pamper you.
– Get into nature for a day get away and let it all go.
– Write for healing. Start a journal and write your ideas, feelings, thoughts. It is a practice that heals.
– Connect with others who have been through the transition or are in it like you. Check website forums where you safely can express and get support.
There just isn’t a way to get past this shift of your role with your children. There is a way to feel whatever you are feeling whenever you feel it. Why wouldn’t you be crying? You are hugging a love you have known for decades.
Give yourself time to not decide what is next for you. Simply hang out with thoughts and feelings and let other people know you need them to just give ya a call, an email.
There is a wonderful freedom and joy in the empty nest. Each of us finds that in a unique way. No right time line.
Enjoy the celebration of your child’s dreams and acknowledge WHAT A GREAT JOY YOU HAVE DONE.
Take good care,
Natalie
My sister called to see how I was doing with the countdown and to do list. She has been through it. Wish she lived here.
I told her I cry and over react and then have to say sorry, just ignore my moods that are all over the kitchen. My son just looks at me.
I pick myself up. The fall is because I know everything will be different after the dorm drop off. I just dread what I will feel and think about when I can’t see or talk with him.
I wish I knew how long I would be hurting, like how you know how long the dish washer cycle runs. I don’t do so well not knowing when it comes to newness.
I think my son will be very happy after he makes friends and gets the swing of classes and a campus map. I have no map. I can’t even do anything about it right now. Sure, I work, but being a mom isn’t work to me. It is life. Wow, that sounds dramatic, but you parents must know what I mean.
I do plan to just rest after the goodbye and regroup myself. I feel excited about his adventure. I have to apply for one. So where is that travel agent for what do I want to do now that I have free time?
I am grateful to find this place where other parents are empty nesters.
Maggie
What was your reaction to ask for help?
I don’t know anyone who would really help me? I don’t know where to begin with the help I need. I am so uncomfortable telling someone I am hurting.
Believe me; you aren’t alone when it comes to sorting your feelings and then asking for help. Vulnerable isn’t easy.
It also isn’t easy hurting and feeling isolated.
So here is an idea:
Pick one area of your life that you want some help with. Reinventing yourself, getting along better with your children, in- laws, partner, meeting new people, getting healthy, finding meaning, boundaries with your children and family, finding your dormant parts that might bring you fun, working for yourself at home, gardening. Well, you get the idea.
So go for it.
First write what you need…remember one thing.
– Send an email or pick up the phone.
Let me know how this goes for you. What stopped you? What worked for you?
Take care,
Natalie
Natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Los Angeles 800-446-3310
Local 818-763-0188
www.emptynestsupport.com
Hi everyone,
I can tell you, but some people in my life say, just stop it. Get a life. People have it much worse than you.
I know all that and I am still anxious. My husband is quiet about it and probably looking forward to the old days of him and me. I doubt it will be like the old days. We are older and have been affected by mistakes, hard working hours, money coming and going, friends moving, children being happy and sad, well and sick. Our parents have been ill and dying.
You of all people know what I mean. I am proud of my children and love them. I want new opportunities for me and my husband.
I am strong and open minded.
Still, I cry. Some evenings I can’t sleep. I just am so comfortable being a mom even though I also work and love it.
It is not only that I won’t see them every day, it is the loss of the school and the events and people we have connected with forever.
I am clueless about the free time because it isn’t real. Sure I have ideas of art classes and travel but with the economy, who knows. I think I am a little concerned about what will come up for me since I won’t be doing my regular life of work, family, hubby, school events, sports practices, birthday parties, house full of wet towels and loud music.
Thanks for listening.
Anna
I think the place people get stuck the most in finding “What’s Next,” is saying they don’t know what to do.
I for sure can relate to that response. Key is to say it and keep going. “I don’t know what I want to do and I will try……” You get to go and try something and if it isn’t a match for you, let it go. That doesn’t mean go on an interview and say yes to a job and then quit. It means explore.
Five ideas
1. Make an appointment to visit a job site you are interested in pursuing. Call ahead and ask if you could have ten minutes to learn from the manager, the assistant, etc. what a day in the life involves.
2. Make a list of what activities you repeat during a week: Shopping, gardening, talking to friends, researching online, connecting with forums, hiking, cooking, museums, reading, organizing, exercising, and teaching. See what ideas come from that review as far as what you seem to like to do.
3. Ask your friends what they think your strengths are and what you seem to enjoy doing. You can send a written note to them with a return envelop in it. You can have a small group over to support you and gift them with music and food. You can email or call them. Just do it. They won’t mind your asking for help. You would do it for them!
4. Journaling: Write what you are thinking and feeling. Give yourself fifteen minutes to write without being interrupted or stopping. Clues will be there. Write about someone you know who has a volunteer job, or career that you admire, “I just love that Cary is a fund raiser. She is helping others, meeting new people, and making good enough money. She seems so happy and still has time for herself.” “Maybe I could……..”
5. Make cold calls when you research some of your interests and ask for help, “I am thinking of blogging, but I want to know the down side of it and the cost. Could you help me sometime this week? If not, do you know someone I could call?”
It is normal to change your mind, not know what you want to do next, feel stuck. Post on the free message board, www.emptynestsupport.com that you need some ideas. We are building a community so that no one has to go through this major life transition alone. There are wonderful, wise people posting there that are on the same journey as you. Why not get support?
Take care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800-446-3310
I think the overall vote for a giveaway would be…
So what came to you when you read that? You can post it here or privately email me, Natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Here is a list of things I have heard from empty nesters when I ask them that during a consultation or group.
1. Fear of trying something new
2. Need for my children to check in during the week
3. Isolating
4. Not being vulnerable by asking for help and saying I am hurt
5. Need to balance. It isn’t real or actually exciting to live a life without the roller coaster.
6. Not making time to assess if I am having fun, making changes I know I need to make, not seeking professional help
7. Getting caught in the “I am getting too old to …travel, seek new adventures, new work, new friendships, new volunteering, the arts.
8. Give up the need for a guarantee that the event, new job, relationship, diet, etc is a sure thing.
9. Unrealistic expectations
10. My children’s stuff they left behind. Don’t want to be a storage bin anymore.
11. Clothes that don’t fit.
12. Magazines
13. Everything in the den
14. Nagging
15. Not going to an event because I don’t want to drive in the traffic
16. Anger that has been there for too long
17. Being critical of myself and others…control freak
18. CD’s we never listen to
19. My best ever chocolate chip cookie recipe so you will hire me for Food Network.
20. Habit of eating in the car.
I was surprised so many women, like myself, like to clean when stress is high. We figured out why it works: it is physical, it gives immediate gratification, and it makes us feel productive.
Do you clean when stress is high? I have not found that to be true for men.
I know I say it over and over, but it is so valuable to hear what others are thinking and going through that have a common thread with you. Freeing for sure!
Still my two strengths and hope elixirs are CURIOSITY and COMPASSION. I will continue to pass those reminders to you and have you say what your strengths and hope elixirs are.
Email me and let me know what you need these days. My hope in creating Empty Nest Support Services six years ago was that no one goes through this major life transition alone, so don’t be shy or uncertain, just email your NEEDS, QUESTIONS, IDEAS. We are an ongoing community.
Take care,
Natalie
Toll free 800-446-3310
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
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Change is inevitable. Get support.
Over the six years of my speaking with parents across the country a big question is, NOW WHAT?
You are on a journey of grieving the role you loved and shifting into a new role.
How do you find what’s next for you?
1. Talk with your friends about your feelings and ask for help on what they think would add meaning to your life. Send them an email or have a wine and cheese party for brainstorming all about you. We get shy to ask for help. JUST DO IT. They will be happy to help you and you will feel support.
Katie had paper and pencil at her house and yummy treats for her three friends. End of the evening she got excited about exploring being a personal organizer and starting a website to connect with others.
2. Learning to focus on yourself takes practice. Ask yourself, daily, “What am I feeling? What would help me today?” You get to cry. You get to have ordinary days where you aren’t being productive or giving. Say no because you don’t have anything to give that day. Who wouldn’t grieve when they love someone and can’t see them for months or be giving to them as you use to. You lose the school community and are on the hunt for a new circle of connections.
3. What did you enjoy doing in elementary school and high school? What was fun for you after work before children? Did you dance, draw, bake, hike, go camping, have friends over, go to movies and concerts, take a day trip on the road and where? Search your memories. Look at old photos for clues. Did you have a diary?
Mary sent an email to a college buddy and one to a high school friend asking, “What was fun for us to do back then? What did you think I would be when I grew up?” She was so surprised to hear them talk about her love of singing. Now she is taking voice lessons.
4. Be patient which is not one of my strengths but I hope yours, at times. Be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself like you would treat your best friend who was sad and feeling off balance.
What do you think would help you in this transition and change? Someone who has traveled the journey of empty nest? Brainstorming support group for now what? Connecting with parents on how to shift your role with your children?
Post your comment below or email natalie@emptynestsupport.com
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Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org