Dear Natalie,
It’s funny … I’ve been in such a funk and these past two days it has gotten much worse. I know I’m suffering from empty nest syndrome and I’m feeling lost. I can’t seem to make myself do much except putts around. So I Googled “empty nest” and found your site.
My circumstances are slightly different, however. Our son has not left our nest. He’s only just graduated eighth grade. I know it’s still a transition time. He went away to a camp for two weeks, and that’s when it all started to hit me. I realized that it’s just around the corner that he will be going off on his own. I missed him so much while he was at camp!! Since he has been back (less than a week now), he’s never home. He doesn’t like to hang out here with his friends, and he doesn’t spend much time here at all. I miss him and I feel like I’ve already lost him.
So I’m sad and feeling lonely. I realize I need to fill that void in my life a little. And I do realize that things will change a little bit when school starts in a few weeks. But I’m also scared for him. He’s not interested in fall sports, and I’m worried he won’t get involved in anything and go the wrong direction.
I work from home, and this summer is particularly slow, which doesn’t help matters.
I’m disappointed, too, that he doesn’t hang out and bring friends around. I think that would be fulfilling for me, too. And I’m also disappointed that he won’t be involved in sports for myself, too, for the adult/student social aspect.
Having been in counseling quite a bit in my life, I know all the things that I should do to help myself through this time, but I’m still feeling stuck in this funk. I feel like I’m grieving. You know … you know it will get better, but you just can’t help it right now. I just want to curl in a ball and cry. (I know it sounds like depression, but I’ve had that under control w/ medication and counseling).
Anyway, your site helped, and writing this e-mail has helped just a little. Maybe it will help someone else who feels like I do to read my story.
Thanks,
Brenda
A mom called today saying she would rather have the two new experimental swine flu shots then be packing up her son for college. She always faints when a needle comes into her vision and gets rashes after the shots.
She went on to say, humor has gotten her through challenging times but not this goodbye.
Taking the pain of goodbye away won’t happen. Stocking up on the best Kleenex is a must.
I really feel for the parents going through this transition right now. You simply are going to have to give up stuffing back those tears.
Remember:
– You need support. So make a plan before you come back to a silent, empty house. You just need one friend to pamper you.
– Get into nature for a day get away and let it all go.
– Write for healing. Start a journal and write your ideas, feelings, thoughts. It is a practice that heals.
– Connect with others who have been through the transition or are in it like you. Check website forums where you safely can express and get support.
There just isn’t a way to get past this shift of your role with your children. There is a way to feel whatever you are feeling whenever you feel it. Why wouldn’t you be crying? You are hugging a love you have known for decades.
Give yourself time to not decide what is next for you. Simply hang out with thoughts and feelings and let other people know you need them to just give ya a call, an email.
There is a wonderful freedom and joy in the empty nest. Each of us finds that in a unique way. No right time line.
Enjoy the celebration of your child’s dreams and acknowledge WHAT A GREAT JOY YOU HAVE DONE.
Take good care,
Natalie
My sister called to see how I was doing with the countdown and to do list. She has been through it. Wish she lived here.
I told her I cry and over react and then have to say sorry, just ignore my moods that are all over the kitchen. My son just looks at me.
I pick myself up. The fall is because I know everything will be different after the dorm drop off. I just dread what I will feel and think about when I can’t see or talk with him.
I wish I knew how long I would be hurting, like how you know how long the dish washer cycle runs. I don’t do so well not knowing when it comes to newness.
I think my son will be very happy after he makes friends and gets the swing of classes and a campus map. I have no map. I can’t even do anything about it right now. Sure, I work, but being a mom isn’t work to me. It is life. Wow, that sounds dramatic, but you parents must know what I mean.
I do plan to just rest after the goodbye and regroup myself. I feel excited about his adventure. I have to apply for one. So where is that travel agent for what do I want to do now that I have free time?
I am grateful to find this place where other parents are empty nesters.
Maggie
What was your reaction to ask for help?
I don’t know anyone who would really help me? I don’t know where to begin with the help I need. I am so uncomfortable telling someone I am hurting.
Believe me; you aren’t alone when it comes to sorting your feelings and then asking for help. Vulnerable isn’t easy.
It also isn’t easy hurting and feeling isolated.
So here is an idea:
Pick one area of your life that you want some help with. Reinventing yourself, getting along better with your children, in- laws, partner, meeting new people, getting healthy, finding meaning, boundaries with your children and family, finding your dormant parts that might bring you fun, working for yourself at home, gardening. Well, you get the idea.
So go for it.
First write what you need…remember one thing.
– Send an email or pick up the phone.
Let me know how this goes for you. What stopped you? What worked for you?
Take care,
Natalie
Natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Los Angeles 800-446-3310
Local 818-763-0188
www.emptynestsupport.com
Hi everyone,
I can tell you, but some people in my life say, just stop it. Get a life. People have it much worse than you.
I know all that and I am still anxious. My husband is quiet about it and probably looking forward to the old days of him and me. I doubt it will be like the old days. We are older and have been affected by mistakes, hard working hours, money coming and going, friends moving, children being happy and sad, well and sick. Our parents have been ill and dying.
You of all people know what I mean. I am proud of my children and love them. I want new opportunities for me and my husband.
I am strong and open minded.
Still, I cry. Some evenings I can’t sleep. I just am so comfortable being a mom even though I also work and love it.
It is not only that I won’t see them every day, it is the loss of the school and the events and people we have connected with forever.
I am clueless about the free time because it isn’t real. Sure I have ideas of art classes and travel but with the economy, who knows. I think I am a little concerned about what will come up for me since I won’t be doing my regular life of work, family, hubby, school events, sports practices, birthday parties, house full of wet towels and loud music.
Thanks for listening.
Anna
I think the place people get stuck the most in finding “What’s Next,” is saying they don’t know what to do.
I for sure can relate to that response. Key is to say it and keep going. “I don’t know what I want to do and I will try……” You get to go and try something and if it isn’t a match for you, let it go. That doesn’t mean go on an interview and say yes to a job and then quit. It means explore.
Five ideas
1. Make an appointment to visit a job site you are interested in pursuing. Call ahead and ask if you could have ten minutes to learn from the manager, the assistant, etc. what a day in the life involves.
2. Make a list of what activities you repeat during a week: Shopping, gardening, talking to friends, researching online, connecting with forums, hiking, cooking, museums, reading, organizing, exercising, and teaching. See what ideas come from that review as far as what you seem to like to do.
3. Ask your friends what they think your strengths are and what you seem to enjoy doing. You can send a written note to them with a return envelop in it. You can have a small group over to support you and gift them with music and food. You can email or call them. Just do it. They won’t mind your asking for help. You would do it for them!
4. Journaling: Write what you are thinking and feeling. Give yourself fifteen minutes to write without being interrupted or stopping. Clues will be there. Write about someone you know who has a volunteer job, or career that you admire, “I just love that Cary is a fund raiser. She is helping others, meeting new people, and making good enough money. She seems so happy and still has time for herself.” “Maybe I could……..”
5. Make cold calls when you research some of your interests and ask for help, “I am thinking of blogging, but I want to know the down side of it and the cost. Could you help me sometime this week? If not, do you know someone I could call?”
It is normal to change your mind, not know what you want to do next, feel stuck. Post on the free message board, www.emptynestsupport.com that you need some ideas. We are building a community so that no one has to go through this major life transition alone. There are wonderful, wise people posting there that are on the same journey as you. Why not get support?
Take care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800-446-3310
I think the overall vote for a giveaway would be…
So what came to you when you read that? You can post it here or privately email me, Natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Here is a list of things I have heard from empty nesters when I ask them that during a consultation or group.
1. Fear of trying something new
2. Need for my children to check in during the week
3. Isolating
4. Not being vulnerable by asking for help and saying I am hurt
5. Need to balance. It isn’t real or actually exciting to live a life without the roller coaster.
6. Not making time to assess if I am having fun, making changes I know I need to make, not seeking professional help
7. Getting caught in the “I am getting too old to …travel, seek new adventures, new work, new friendships, new volunteering, the arts.
8. Give up the need for a guarantee that the event, new job, relationship, diet, etc is a sure thing.
9. Unrealistic expectations
10. My children’s stuff they left behind. Don’t want to be a storage bin anymore.
11. Clothes that don’t fit.
12. Magazines
13. Everything in the den
14. Nagging
15. Not going to an event because I don’t want to drive in the traffic
16. Anger that has been there for too long
17. Being critical of myself and others…control freak
18. CD’s we never listen to
19. My best ever chocolate chip cookie recipe so you will hire me for Food Network.
20. Habit of eating in the car.
I was surprised so many women, like myself, like to clean when stress is high. We figured out why it works: it is physical, it gives immediate gratification, and it makes us feel productive.
Do you clean when stress is high? I have not found that to be true for men.
I know I say it over and over, but it is so valuable to hear what others are thinking and going through that have a common thread with you. Freeing for sure!
Still my two strengths and hope elixirs are CURIOSITY and COMPASSION. I will continue to pass those reminders to you and have you say what your strengths and hope elixirs are.
Email me and let me know what you need these days. My hope in creating Empty Nest Support Services six years ago was that no one goes through this major life transition alone, so don’t be shy or uncertain, just email your NEEDS, QUESTIONS, IDEAS. We are an ongoing community.
Take care,
Natalie
Toll free 800-446-3310
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
www.emptynestsupport.com
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Change is inevitable. Get support.
Over the six years of my speaking with parents across the country a big question is, NOW WHAT?
You are on a journey of grieving the role you loved and shifting into a new role.
How do you find what’s next for you?
1. Talk with your friends about your feelings and ask for help on what they think would add meaning to your life. Send them an email or have a wine and cheese party for brainstorming all about you. We get shy to ask for help. JUST DO IT. They will be happy to help you and you will feel support.
Katie had paper and pencil at her house and yummy treats for her three friends. End of the evening she got excited about exploring being a personal organizer and starting a website to connect with others.
2. Learning to focus on yourself takes practice. Ask yourself, daily, “What am I feeling? What would help me today?” You get to cry. You get to have ordinary days where you aren’t being productive or giving. Say no because you don’t have anything to give that day. Who wouldn’t grieve when they love someone and can’t see them for months or be giving to them as you use to. You lose the school community and are on the hunt for a new circle of connections.
3. What did you enjoy doing in elementary school and high school? What was fun for you after work before children? Did you dance, draw, bake, hike, go camping, have friends over, go to movies and concerts, take a day trip on the road and where? Search your memories. Look at old photos for clues. Did you have a diary?
Mary sent an email to a college buddy and one to a high school friend asking, “What was fun for us to do back then? What did you think I would be when I grew up?” She was so surprised to hear them talk about her love of singing. Now she is taking voice lessons.
4. Be patient which is not one of my strengths but I hope yours, at times. Be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself like you would treat your best friend who was sad and feeling off balance.
What do you think would help you in this transition and change? Someone who has traveled the journey of empty nest? Brainstorming support group for now what? Connecting with parents on how to shift your role with your children?
Post your comment below or email natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Visit the free active message board on www.emptynestsupport.com.
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Get support. No one needs to go through this transition alone.
Parents are dealing with hellos and goodbyes this summer.
Relatives and friends are coming to visit.
Children are coming back home.
Change is inevitable as I always say, but that doesn’t mean we like it.
Melissa called today confused with wanting them to come home and not wanting to deal with their differences. She knows it is fun for about a week. Then she falls into good mom and losing herself.
Can you relate?
What would you suggest she do to take care of herself besides for locking the door and the car keys when she gets frustrated?
Forget the bubble bath idea and cookies and milk.
Any wild ideas that no one really wants to talk about or thinks they shouldn’t say?
Stay tune for summer tips and stories.
Happy summer,
Natalie
800-446-3310
818-763-0188 Los Angeles
Hello,
I am a mom of two. Worked, married, but I guess not much of a planner for “someday” I will be an empty nester.
I don’t feel that badly about not planning, I feel badly that I am so sad and don’t want to be feeling this pain. It is not a critical issue like the world today, but I am mom and those are my children going far, far, away.
Sometimes I just cry and close the door to hide. This is our last summer as we were and even that has changes, of course, since it is their last summer as before.
I am trying to not be controlling of wanting Fourth of July BBQ together, or a road trip because they want their friends.
Nothing will bring back soccer, theater, seeing their friends at school and our home nor all the school fairs, library days, luncheons for teachers , nor the simple days of get up, gotta get him to swim practice, car pool, homework, projects, shopping, cooking, decisions, tears, skinned knees, fevers and rocking chairs, adorable dancing and questions in the den, birthday parties. Oh the tears.
So I have decided to cry when I do and not stop being someone I am not. I remind myself at least I got to be a mom and be safe most of their life. I have no idea what will fill all my free time. I can’t even really go there because summer is fun time and family and catching up on work and tears of tomorrow and yesterday.
I just hope something comes to me in August that will be exciting and not just a filler of time. I will try and plan something comforting like your articles say, for when I come home to a childless house.
Thank goodness I found this website. I am normal and that counts for a lot these days.
Is anyone else dreading the goodbye and crying on and off?
Brianna
Graduations are ending. A new reality sets in for parents. It is getting real that in eight weeks or so, children will be taking the leap away from home.
A dad called saying he feels desperate to have fun this summer with the family. Conflict is that his children don’t feel desperate or even available.
Kids that are filling the nest from college break don’t feel desperate either.
What to do with the differences in needs?
1. Talk with your partner or a friend about what’s up for you. Being heard does help in sorting and reassessing all the layers of thoughts and feelings.
2. Pick something that is top on your list, example movie on a weekend, bbq night, day trip up the road, visiting grandparents.
Negotiate your needs and theirs.
3. Reality check. You won’t like this, but truth is, they have a different life agenda for the summer than you do and they get a big vote. Tell them you understand that.
4. Parents do better during the summer when they drop expectations and focus back on their day and evening. Changing your plans in the hopes children will be home or grab a meal together builds resentment. They didn’t ask you to change your plans.
5. No labeling. Calling your children, “flakes, slobs, selfish,” doesn’t keep them home. Remember those I statements you learned at the beginning of parenting classes. I miss you. I hope we can do something together. I am free after seven. I am feeling left out of your life.
6. You aren’t a saint and you aren’t a punisher. You will lose it with yelling and name calling. Say sorry as fast as you can and keep the explanation brief but accountable. You are still a role model for them.
7. Naming behavior works, “Your wet towel is on the floor. There is no gas in the car. Your music kept us up last night. I didn’t get a text from you.” You pause after you say it. Usually they get it and they say something really fast to ease the pain. Hopefully they say something that helps and not defends. Either way, they hear you.
What conflicts have you had and how are you coping?
Enjoy your summer,
Natalie
Call for a telephone consultation 800-446-3310
Los Angeles local number 818-763-0188
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Change is inevitable. Get ready. Get support
I got a sweet email from a dad after we spoke on the telephone. All of his children are away and usually they forget to acknowledge Father’s Day. He knows they love him. He knows their brains work differently – he understands.
Plan one is for him to do something to celebrate that day and not let it pass him by. We laughed at the idea of texting the boys and saying, “Yes, today is Father’s Day.”
He is a single Dad, like so many wonderful dads. If he can’t find a buddy that Sunday, he plans to map out a new day hike. He is going to buy himself a treat to acknowledge the day and in the evening he will look at photos, maybe with Kleenex, and remember all the fun times. He misses his boys and always will.
Learning to love the life you have now includes letting tears drop. We were never taught that grieving is part of living.
To all the wonderful dads and mine included, who has passed, I appreciate your gentleness and teachings about lifting up when times are down.
Whether you are with your loved ones or not, what compliment would you like to post about the father in your life?
Happy Father’s Day,
Natalie
800-446-3310
Local number is 818-763-0188 Los Angeles
Change is inevitable. Get ready. Get support
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org