Parents are dealing with hellos and goodbyes this summer.
Relatives and friends are coming to visit.
Children are coming back home.
Change is inevitable as I always say, but that doesn’t mean we like it.
Melissa called today confused with wanting them to come home and not wanting to deal with their differences. She knows it is fun for about a week. Then she falls into good mom and losing herself.
Can you relate?
What would you suggest she do to take care of herself besides for locking the door and the car keys when she gets frustrated?
Forget the bubble bath idea and cookies and milk.
Any wild ideas that no one really wants to talk about or thinks they shouldn’t say?
Stay tune for summer tips and stories.
Happy summer,
Natalie
800-446-3310
818-763-0188 Los Angeles
Hello,
I am a mom of two. Worked, married, but I guess not much of a planner for “someday” I will be an empty nester.
I don’t feel that badly about not planning, I feel badly that I am so sad and don’t want to be feeling this pain. It is not a critical issue like the world today, but I am mom and those are my children going far, far, away.
Sometimes I just cry and close the door to hide. This is our last summer as we were and even that has changes, of course, since it is their last summer as before.
I am trying to not be controlling of wanting Fourth of July BBQ together, or a road trip because they want their friends.
Nothing will bring back soccer, theater, seeing their friends at school and our home nor all the school fairs, library days, luncheons for teachers , nor the simple days of get up, gotta get him to swim practice, car pool, homework, projects, shopping, cooking, decisions, tears, skinned knees, fevers and rocking chairs, adorable dancing and questions in the den, birthday parties. Oh the tears.
So I have decided to cry when I do and not stop being someone I am not. I remind myself at least I got to be a mom and be safe most of their life. I have no idea what will fill all my free time. I can’t even really go there because summer is fun time and family and catching up on work and tears of tomorrow and yesterday.
I just hope something comes to me in August that will be exciting and not just a filler of time. I will try and plan something comforting like your articles say, for when I come home to a childless house.
Thank goodness I found this website. I am normal and that counts for a lot these days.
Is anyone else dreading the goodbye and crying on and off?
Brianna
Graduations are ending. A new reality sets in for parents. It is getting real that in eight weeks or so, children will be taking the leap away from home.
A dad called saying he feels desperate to have fun this summer with the family. Conflict is that his children don’t feel desperate or even available.
Kids that are filling the nest from college break don’t feel desperate either.
What to do with the differences in needs?
1. Talk with your partner or a friend about what’s up for you. Being heard does help in sorting and reassessing all the layers of thoughts and feelings.
2. Pick something that is top on your list, example movie on a weekend, bbq night, day trip up the road, visiting grandparents.
Negotiate your needs and theirs.
3. Reality check. You won’t like this, but truth is, they have a different life agenda for the summer than you do and they get a big vote. Tell them you understand that.
4. Parents do better during the summer when they drop expectations and focus back on their day and evening. Changing your plans in the hopes children will be home or grab a meal together builds resentment. They didn’t ask you to change your plans.
5. No labeling. Calling your children, “flakes, slobs, selfish,” doesn’t keep them home. Remember those I statements you learned at the beginning of parenting classes. I miss you. I hope we can do something together. I am free after seven. I am feeling left out of your life.
6. You aren’t a saint and you aren’t a punisher. You will lose it with yelling and name calling. Say sorry as fast as you can and keep the explanation brief but accountable. You are still a role model for them.
7. Naming behavior works, “Your wet towel is on the floor. There is no gas in the car. Your music kept us up last night. I didn’t get a text from you.” You pause after you say it. Usually they get it and they say something really fast to ease the pain. Hopefully they say something that helps and not defends. Either way, they hear you.
What conflicts have you had and how are you coping?
Enjoy your summer,
Natalie
Call for a telephone consultation 800-446-3310
Los Angeles local number 818-763-0188
Start a support group.
Change is inevitable. Get ready. Get support
I got a sweet email from a dad after we spoke on the telephone. All of his children are away and usually they forget to acknowledge Father’s Day. He knows they love him. He knows their brains work differently – he understands.
Plan one is for him to do something to celebrate that day and not let it pass him by. We laughed at the idea of texting the boys and saying, “Yes, today is Father’s Day.”
He is a single Dad, like so many wonderful dads. If he can’t find a buddy that Sunday, he plans to map out a new day hike. He is going to buy himself a treat to acknowledge the day and in the evening he will look at photos, maybe with Kleenex, and remember all the fun times. He misses his boys and always will.
Learning to love the life you have now includes letting tears drop. We were never taught that grieving is part of living.
To all the wonderful dads and mine included, who has passed, I appreciate your gentleness and teachings about lifting up when times are down.
Whether you are with your loved ones or not, what compliment would you like to post about the father in your life?
Happy Father’s Day,
Natalie
800-446-3310
Local number is 818-763-0188 Los Angeles
Change is inevitable. Get ready. Get support
Congratulations to all of you!
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” Ralph Waldo Emerson, writer
Tips of the Day –
1. Carry extra Kleenex. I passed out cotton handkerchiefs to my immediate family while we were waiting for the ceremony to begin.
2. Bring throw away cameras and give them to others so you can simply enjoy the moment and not be in charge of capturing it with photos and video.
3. Snacks for sure
4. Give short specific stories while toasting the graduate. Share memories and future hopes for them. Even if you are shy, gear up and do it. They will remember and appreciate you. You will too.
5. You could gift everyone at the celebration meal with a photo, or CD of one or two songs that has upbeat words about the day. I gave HEAVENLY DAY by Patty Griffin. I knew the graduate loved that song.
6. Make it happen…a group photo. Put someone in charge of that detail.
7. Dance. Sing. Even if you never do that, do it for yourself and the graduate. You don’t get this day back. Go for the fun.
8. If you can’t stop crying which might surprise you, start counting everyone around you who is holding a camera. It shifts you. Tears are good. Tears all day, not so good.
9. Embrace everyone. Your ex-partner and their family are all part of who the graduate is today, even if you never witnessed that.
10. You’ll be talking about this day forever. We still laugh about the rain, the songs being off pitch, the great stories people shared and of course, that moment of your child walking across the stage in the cap and gown and you standing and cheering.
“Stories were full of hearts being broken by love, but what really broke a heart, was taking away its dream—whatever that dreams might be.” Pearl S. Buck writer
Have fun celebrating,
Natalie
www.emptynestsupport.com
Natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800-446-3310 Los Angeles
A father shared with me on the telephone that in two months, his son will be thousands of miles from home.
He notices that moms are better at chatting and repeating their feelings. He sees articles about moms saying goodbye, but little support for the dads.
He is hurting because he too loves his son, of course, and will miss the everyday connection.
School games will end: Driving to events together: Homework at the kitchen table. Photos at parties and bowls filled with dips and chips and loud kids and hoops in the driveway banging with basketballs and even volleyball. He loved reading to him at bed time. He gave him chicken soup when his stomach ached. He caught him shaving in the bathroom with the door slightly open.
He asked me to post here: DADS PLEASE COME ON BOARD AND TALK ABOUT WHAT’S UP. He is proud of his son. He feels the missing out of what he didn’t have as a young kid. He wonders how he and his wife will connect when they aren’t interrupted by kids as their commonality, their bond.
Anonymous dad seeking other dads to talk about WHAT’s UP on the COUNTDOWN to GOODBYE.
Take care,
Natalie
800-446-3310
Los Angeles
www.emptynestsupport.com
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support.
Hello empty nesters,
I raised three kids, good times and suffering times. I am ready for me time and still I cry for all that has ended. It is normal, I know, but I just can’t do this part alone. I parented them and now I want to be parented. I can’t believe I just wrote that.
I just mean I am tired. I want guidance and a cheer leader for me. I will get over being tired, but I really know I need suggestions and caring to travel this emptiness of no kids at home and the wonderment of my new role with them. I get needy to hear from them. I want them to be independent and happy and still include me in what’s up for them. I am trying not to lead them and that is when I realized I am the one who wants to be led.
I am done with my career of teaching. I am an extrovert and leader. I just want someone to take the lead right now. Thank goodness it is sunny and I can be outside.
I am going on a vacation in August. I know how to have fun and friendships, but I want a new direction that adds to life. I don’t regret my wonderful family with my kids and devotion to them. I don’t even think I could have done anything differently to avoid this sadness. It is normal. My fear is missing out on something that I can’t see and losing that great school community where we were all in a similar stage of life…being parents. Now what without that community from school performances, sports, auctions, sleepovers, parent meetings, year to year graduation parties, well the list is long of what is over and the question is what is next.
Please share with me as I will with you.
Strong and sad at the same time,
Sara
That is what I am hearing from parents and non-parents across the country who are burnt out from the decades of a career they use to enjoy.
It reminded me of the line, THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE. A lawyer told me she now wants to teach high school if she can give up the practice and go back to school. She is in her late fifties.
Artists are looking of showing their work outside of galleries by having open houses with their work visible.
Passions can’t always be turned into money making careers, but it doesn’t mean to kill the ideas. Enjoy your passions and keep unfolding what will pay the bills and be satisfying.
A teacher shared that if she had the bucks she would become a lawyer for women’s issues. Now she is looking into scholarships and ways to get that degree that won’t leave her in debt.
Like so many of us, we were raised with the word RETIREMENT. We don’t want to retire, we want to do what we love at this cycle of life and not be isolated nor controlled in our new adventure.
Here is a list of what people are looking at beginning by 2010.
– They have begun interviewing people in their desired field and even written to people for a free consultation to learn more about this direction:
– Yoga teacher for over 60 year olds.
– Seeding and maintaining gardens for young families and nursing homes.
– Pet walkers
– Writing
– Cooking school
– Learning everything and then some about opening a coffee bar and hot dog stand
– Building a web about what’s up in their city
– Art therapist
– Alternative medicine careers
– Educating college grads about how to land a job and keep it as well as learning when to let it go.
– Knitting cafes
– Dating services
– Going green at schools and housing projects
– Jewelry making classes and websites to sell jewelry
Parents mentoring parents who have been there done that by beginning in their neighborhood and local libraries
So add to this list to inspire others. As you know, no idea is too small or too silly. When you post it here you could get comments back for how to grow your idea. More later.
Have fun and get support,
Natalie
Los Angeles
818-763-0188
Empty Nest Support Services
Featured in NY TIMES, LA TIMES, USA TODAY, WASHINGTON POST, RADIO, BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS, and more
Change is inevitable. Get ready. Get Support.
I have been hearing from parents that their children have made their college choices. Some wishes have come true, some are waiting for a year, gap year, until they can afford college, some will be volunteering, and others are staying local to cut costs.
For parents it brings up shifting what they thought would happen for their children and accepting that changes happened in this economy. It will not be forever that dreams won’t come true. I, too, remind myself to LOVE THE LIFE I HAVE, along with a box of Kleenex, and not miss out on what I do have right in front of me.
Do parents believe in “happily ever after”? No. Do they want to take their children’s dreams away? Absolutely not! They too, for example, watch American Idol where dreams come true.
Bottom line is all ages need support in transitions and in living their dreams. They also need to learn to start again when dreams die. LISTEN to their children rather than push and advise. It isn’t easy based on the love you have for them and your life experience. I think one of the most difficult subjects I hear parents discuss is, when to let it be, to interfere and get them on track, to let them fall and recover. When we GET QUIET and NOT COMPARE ourselves to other families, the answers emerge, even if we don’t like them.
How are you coping with changes you and your family are making about college?
Take care,
Natalie
Natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800-446-3310
818-763-0188 Los Angeles
CHANGE IS INEVITABLE. GET READY. GET SUPPORT.
Do you remember the celebration of high school graduation and then college? I will never forget those milestones with my daughter. True joy. Heavenly Days. I loved my family and dear friends being in the same room to celebrate her. I loved seeing all the other families so happy with their clicking cameras and Kleenex.
These past weeks I feel lucky to be part of parent’s celebrations across the country who are sending me emails or calling about their questions and tears of joy around graduation. Gifts, ways to appreciate the graduate, sentimental decorations, how to prepare for the guests, and how to not be a basket case during the entire event which is filled with pride and the realization that the days are numbered until a change is inevitable.
Over and over, they help me realize, we all need someone to sweetly speak with and someone who has lived the journey. Such a complex time of feelings and thoughts that we want to savor and truly be present to celebrate.
A mom called me after her son’s high school graduation when the cheers, family, and friends left. She has a summer vacation to look forward to, but it didn’t matter on this phone call. She just wept with the reality of what was a fantastic ride of being an involved parent and now heading towards a more distant life with her son. She and her husband chose to be very hands-on parents at every stage of development. One worked at home and the other didn’t travel for work so they went to meetings, games, parties, doctor’s appointments, brainstorming choices for their child, as well as, shared car pool, making the lunches and dinners, planning the birthdays, and being a part of his friend’s lives.
They just wondered how their life would be with all those connections coming to an end. What we came to is, it is A WONDERMENT AND GRIEVING and for now it is a time to FEEL YOUR FEELINGS around these changes.
We get comfort from staying in our head with lots of questions as a way to not feel the feelings. We simply haven’t had the practice of being comforted nor safe to feel our feelings. Move from the head who wants answers, to the heart who knows feelings are simply feelings.
Let yourself be in the journey of the day, not ahead of yourself nor behind with regrets that cause you to miss out on being present with your feelings. You will have time to grieve what you didn’t do , weren’t able to do as parents, and mistakes that you made because you didn’t know better at the time or couldn’t pull up the better choice in that moment.
Entering the unknown of shifting roles is a mixed bag of wanting more free time and missing your children daily and their friends popping over. You know you will miss the built in community that the school years provided.
Like all of us, she said she felt better just talking about it and knowing someone else had found meaning and let her child be who they will be.
Can you relate to the after graduation thoughts and feelings? Separation anxiety is real. Dreams can come true are real. Both get your attention. You are heading towards focusing back on yourself after decades of raising a child.
Take care,
Natalie
Change is inevitable. Get ready. Get support.
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800-446-3310 Los Angeles, CA
Hello Empty Nesters and those on the way.
I will be joining the 5K walk with Susan Love M.D., on Sunday, May 17th in Pacific Palisades, CA. (Los Angeles area). We are meeting at the public library at eight am.
If you want information, call 1-866-569-0388, or just meet us there Sunday morning. Get information about the ARMY OF LOVE to stomp out breast cancer.
Did you know one out of eight women will be diagnosed with some form of breast cancer? I for sure have had friends who journeyed and survived the disease.
Hope to see you there.
Email me, natalie@emptynestsupport.com if you will be there or just show up. Susan will be speaking before the walk begins.
Take care,
Natalie
Celebrations from high school and college grads are streaming the country. Congratulations, you did it!
Parents and grads are BEGINNERS again. The roles they have lived are changing. GUT FEELINGS and CURIOSITY will be your sign posts, as well as, those WEIRD VOICES in your head that compares you to others, chatters so loud that you get immobile, or those misperceptions that view you as not being good enough. Don’t follow those last three sign posts.
Instead course correct, by hearing what you know is true about you. You will be learning to carry paradoxes like, hope is alive and mistakes will happen.
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org