Here is my short list of treats:
1. Any time in my garden, topped with seeing a growth spurt from my tomatoes or orange poppies from seeds I planted.
2. Coral, I know that color isn’t IN but it is with me for lipstick and Red.
3. Not chocolate, yes bread and cheese
4. Red wine
5. Newspapers from other cities
6. New music
7. Sitting outside in the evening watching the birds and sipping decaf Earl Grey Tea
8. Chatting on the phone with a friend
9. Comfy, warm socks
I said short so that’s it for now. How about you? What is on your short list of treats during these challenging times?
Take care,
Natalie
*Invite me to come speak in your community
*Call for a private consultation
*Visit our website and look at EVENTS. *Come join us in October for a retreat and spa get away for empty nesters
*Empty Nest Support Services helps parents make changes that will build healthy relationships with their children, find meaning now, and make new connections.
www.emptynestsupport.com
800 446 3310 toll free
818 763- 0188 local, Los Angeles
818 763 1743 Fax
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Hello,
I am new to being an empty nester and talking to strangers. I like the talking and connecting here on the website, but I hate the crying. It isn’t really me.
My son didn’t come home for Spring Break. He is a freshman and off with his new friends. I get it. I don’t like it. Just this first year, I want the changes to be less. My dad died so that was painful and now I am not the same mom I was since my son doesn’t need me in the same ways. I knew that would come. I even thought about it when I separated from him in Kindergarten.
I always worked, but knew my favorite job was being his mom. The games, the story times, his friends over, the school events, seeing the familiar parents, the family holidays together and birthdays all were part of the fun. Sure there was the drama and being treated lousy by him at times but that didn’t over shadow the deep connection.
I will have the connection forever, I hope. I am just weepy this weekend for the traditions of Spring holiday together and then Easter. I will come up with new ideas for sure.
I joined a book club. Honestly some of the women I like and some are boring. I can’t believe I said that, but lately things are falling out of me that didn’t use to come to the surface. My best friend said that is the wisdom of aging. I like it. I don’t like my middle fat but I do like my face.
I am just wondering how other mothers are coping. Thank goodness I found this real website of empty nesters. My mom doesn’t even remember much about when I left the nest. Must be denial, don’t you think?
Thank you for being here as a place to be heard and supported.
Kim
I will cut right to the chase today.
1. FOCUS ON YOURSELF
2. GET REAL ABOUT YOUR EXPECTATIONS
3. STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS
Do you need to call me on the telephone?
800 446 3310, California time, Los Angeles.
OK, lecture over, and you can have a refund if you didn’t get anything from it.
If you did get something from the reminders, than we are of the same community. I know how challenging it is to make changes. I have had to change one too many times in my life, whether I asked for it or not.
Leave your ideas and comments here or email me, natalie@emptynestsupport.com
– Visit our website and look at EVENTS to join our retreat and spa gathering in October. Hope to see you there.
– I would love to come speak in your community, call, 800 446 3310 Los Angeles time.
– Call for a private telephone consultation
Happy outside Spring time,
Natalie
Empty Nest Support Services helps parents build healthy adult relationships with their children, find new meaning, and make connections with others.
Parents are calling me with good news and bad news. Yes, their children are getting those acceptance emails to college and yes, this means they are really leaving in the summer.
Easter and Passover are around the corner. Traditions are being reinvented.
Change is inevitable. How well have you done with changes in your past? What seems to work for you and what collapses you?
I need to pace myself and get out of my chattering head. Confession time… I have actually been one of those young women that stuffs Kleenex up my sleeve like grandma did so that I won’t be caught in the ugly cry without a wipe.
Get to know who you are and aren’t when it comes to changes. Do you busy yourself all day and then clean at night after dinner? Do you need a walk in nature? Do you flip the channels and eat cereal in bed? Do you like sorting what’s in your head that is causing you anxiety by writing or chatting with a friend? You might do a combination of activities to move through change.
My favorite thing these days is to get out into my garden of planted cucumbers, tomatoes, basil and rosemary and watch them grow. I love that element of surprise when I see what was once a tiny seed of a plant that I planted, pop into a growth spurt.
In the evening, before seven, I go in the little garden, again, to hear and watch the finches gather their night snack. My neighbor said I look like a robber with my ski cap on but, what can I say, I don’t like to be cold and I do like being in the garden.
Start to notice what lifts you and what brings you down. A mother told me during our telephone consultation that the chatter was getting so loud in her head that she needed ear muffs. Strategy was for her to say to herself, enough already, stop talking to me. I’m leaving. She needed to say stop and to move. It worked for her because it cut the perseveration of chatter. The movement of going outside helped her focus on what was right in front of her and not behind or ahead of her. She gets more present when she moves.
Email me or post a comment here of what helps you shift when anxiety or sorrow becomes too overwhelming.
Take care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Toll free number 800-446-3310
For decades the question lives, “Are parents juggling more and more and losing themselves?”
Do you feel that you gave too much to your children and lost parts of yourself along the way?
You have the privilege of looking back and then passing on your mistakes and triumphs.
I for sure did not rest enough, spend enough on myself, nor say no enough. I do feel I was a good and am a good mother. I am a working woman/mother. I continue to be motivated by wanting to be a positive role model. That works for me as a motivator to set an example of a person who is being real, having fun in life, and showing the values to my family that are top notch no matter what. Now I rest, say no, spend money on me when the funds are available, focus on who I am and what is next for me, what is on my dream list and leap towards that. I can say, “Sorry, I can’t talk right now, I am busy. I will call you after four.” I don’t think I said that when I was wearing more of the mother role in the past years.
Do you think you tried to do it all as a parent? What mistakes do you think you made that if you had been able to “stop” yourself then, you would have? What parts of you had to go dormant then? (My writer went dormant)
Let’s post comments here so we can pass it on to other parents. As a woman said to me at the coffee shop yesterday, “You owe it to pass on your knowledge to others and not just keep it for your own learning.”
You can also email me natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Call for a private telephone consultation
Ask me to speak in your community
800-446-3310 toll free
Los Angeles, 818-763-0188
“Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, it’s at the end of your arm. As you get older, remember you have another hand: the first is to help yourself, the second is to help others.”
— Audrey Hepburn
Parents are looking forward to their children coming home for spring break. Parents are rehearsing in their head what they will say this month when their children get the accepted or I am sorry not accepted letter for the college of their choice. Whether it is good news you are clicking towards or anxiety news, you need to take care of yourself first.
When I have unrealistic expectations, for example, that my daughter will want to plant tomatoes in the garden because she always has loved doing that with me, I set myself up for resentment. Truth is, the resentment is towards me not here. I forgot to check in with myself and say something like, I will ask if she wants to garden, but not assume just because she use to like gardening that she will want to spend her time doing that this time at home.
It sounds trite, simple, but I hear from thousands of parents across the country of how disappointed they were in their children. Lower your automatic expectations. We change. They change. Offer the idea but don’t demand it, nor wait for them to participate with you. If you want to get your tiny tomatoes planted, go and enjoy your garden time.
Yes, you will feel disappointed that what you used to do wasn’t available this time, but hopefully, you won’t harbor anger towards yourself or your children because they didn’t want to do what you wanted to do.
Children hurt when they don’t get what they hoped for. How have you comforted your children in the past? Do you think that would work now or do you need to shift your extension of love towards them.
I think when children get that letter of I am sorry…… they just need time with themselves along with a sweet present moment from you that go like this, ” I am so sorry. I know how much you wanted to go to that college. I believe in you. I know you will be going to college in the fall.”
You know your child, so you will know what to say, especially if you think about it before the mail arrives. We feel sad when they are sad. Sadness isn’t permanent. Hopefully there are choices for your children or alternative plans.
Take good care of yourself first, so you can care for others. Good news wishes to you. May you enjoy your time together.
Natalie
Email me and let me know how you are doing with “THE CLOCK IS TICKING.”
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800-446-3310 toll free number
818-763- 0188 Los Angeles
– Call for a private consultation
– Invite me to speak in your community
– Join our free support on the message board.
by Jennifer | Submitted on February 10, 2009
I have read books, articles, websites and gone to classes about get up and go, make the changes, grab a new start, my time now, but I can’t keep that motivation going. I am good for about three days, and then, boom.
Maybe it is winter and that makes it harder, but I think it is because I am burnt out in making my life better. I loved when I read here on this website that being is valid and honored.
Self -nurturing isn’t my question just so you know that about me. I am good at that one.
I have raised my girls and the last leaves this month. Tears for sure. I just don’t want to think about it, so I keep busy after work. She has been having her own life even before heading to college. After all, what teenager wants to hang with their mom?
I get all that. I know it won’t be real until we wave goodbye. Tears again, since I will miss her and her friends.
I am just wondering how you guys keep motivated when all your life you have been a self- starter.
At times, I feel like I am missing out because I can’t figure out what’s next or where to get the get up and go. I am very healthy and active, but something is missing when it comes to new connections and finding people who are similar to my values.
This year there is so much talk about volunteering, making the changes and the differences. I feel the excitement. I want to participate. I just don’t want to lead the search.
Do any of you feel this way?
Thanks for listening.
Best to all of you,
Jennifer
I have read and received phone calls about crowded houses.
Has someone moved back in? Are they are on their way? A grandmother called me saying her daughter and grand child need to come home due to job loss. A college son will be moving home for the summer until he finds work. His dream of graduation and right to work isn’t looking promising, but he keeps those applications circulating.
Change happens. Do you feel prepared emotionally and physically? For me, I am always building my inner resources. My resource kit includes stress reduction, planning fun times, and practicing communication negotiating skills. My daughter came back home. Surprise. She is out of the house, again. Yes, there are times I miss the spontaneity of a chat and walk together, but I do love my own rhythm that I worked to re- invent.
Do you need to prepare for a crowded house, again? How are you doing?
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
toll free 800 446 3310
local 818 763 0188 Los Angeles time
wwwemptynestsupport.com
Invite me to come speak in your community
Call for a private telephone consultation
Reinventing yourself seems to be more common these days despite the economy. Speaking with mothers and fathers, I am hearing focused, driven parents who want something now for themselves.
We all can relate to that wanting. These are the shifts they have made in their daily living:
(1) Joining a gym and getting a trainer to jump start them and a friend to be accountable to
(2) Taking classes online like business and art therapy
(3) Volunteering as mentors with children and adult literacy
(4) Traveling in their RV across the USA
(5) Joining social networks online
(6) Taking organic and going green classes at their community centers
(7) Using Skype to talk with their grandchildren and friends across the country and then turning those talks into scrapbooks as gifts
(8) Having Saturday breakfast at their local cafes to meet people
(9) Joining other artists to share their art in their homes and have an open gallery weekend
(10) Pot luck dinners and wine tasting with people they haven’t called in years
(11) Neighborhood watch meetings
(12) Traveling to see old friends from high school
(13) Clearing the clutter and having an organization like the VA pick it up for them
(14) Doing a part time business that they love, like calligraphy invitations
(15) Docent at a museum
(16) Researching where to move in order to be part of a walking community
(17) Renting out a room for income
(18) Starting their dream business out of their home
What would you choose to do that people would call you crazy? Think back to what you loved doing as a child and before you had children. What would you choose to do for a first step?
Have fun,
Natalie Caine, M.A.
Email natalie@empytnestsupport.com
800-446-3310 Los Angeles time
Call for a private telephone consultation
Invite me to come speak in your community
I know the news is depressing. Still, parents are asking if it is a good time to go back to work.
Yes. Start the process.
1. List what would be fun to do part time or full time
2. Interview someone in the field asking, “What frustrates you during the day. What has surprised you about this career?”
3. Brush up on your skills, like computer class, photo shop, writing skills, communication skills. Use your public library for resources, researching online, classes online, and your community college or high school.
4. Get a professional to help you with your resume. You are worth the money spent.
5. Enjoy an upgrade on your make up and clothing by visiting the stores and noticing what is on the racks, accessories. Ask one of the artists at the make up counters to do your make up for free. Let them know you are heading back to work.
6. Polish those nails and toes in a light color. Get your hair shaped.
7. Be confident by talking to yourself in the mirror at home. Address your worst fear question, “What have you been doing?” Let them know you have always wanted to work in…….but family came first and now you are excited to be part of their team. Tell them what you can offer after you researched their company.
8. Don’t fake your dates on the resume or lie.
9. Really listen during the interview and pick up cues by what they are saying and asking you. Then, ask them a question, for example, “What three skills would you want an employee to have in order to make your days easier?” People attend more to a short story so give them one about you. “I use to be the family organizer for my sisters and brothers. My mom told me I would be a great mom because I kept everyone together. I kept those skills strong during raising my three children, to a point where the talk at my children’s school was, if you want that job done today for the library fundraiser, call Kate.”
10. Talk to yourself like a coach would talk to you. Be realistic. You will be nervous. Just keep going. Ask people for help.
You never know who you will meet along the way.
Let us know how the journey is going.
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800-446-3310 – Los Angeles
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Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org