For decades the question lives, “Are parents juggling more and more and losing themselves?”
Do you feel that you gave too much to your children and lost parts of yourself along the way?
You have the privilege of looking back and then passing on your mistakes and triumphs.
I for sure did not rest enough, spend enough on myself, nor say no enough. I do feel I was a good and am a good mother. I am a working woman/mother. I continue to be motivated by wanting to be a positive role model. That works for me as a motivator to set an example of a person who is being real, having fun in life, and showing the values to my family that are top notch no matter what. Now I rest, say no, spend money on me when the funds are available, focus on who I am and what is next for me, what is on my dream list and leap towards that. I can say, “Sorry, I can’t talk right now, I am busy. I will call you after four.” I don’t think I said that when I was wearing more of the mother role in the past years.
Do you think you tried to do it all as a parent? What mistakes do you think you made that if you had been able to “stop” yourself then, you would have? What parts of you had to go dormant then? (My writer went dormant)
Let’s post comments here so we can pass it on to other parents. As a woman said to me at the coffee shop yesterday, “You owe it to pass on your knowledge to others and not just keep it for your own learning.”
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“Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, it’s at the end of your arm. As you get older, remember you have another hand: the first is to help yourself, the second is to help others.”
— Audrey Hepburn
Parents are looking forward to their children coming home for spring break. Parents are rehearsing in their head what they will say this month when their children get the accepted or I am sorry not accepted letter for the college of their choice. Whether it is good news you are clicking towards or anxiety news, you need to take care of yourself first.
When I have unrealistic expectations, for example, that my daughter will want to plant tomatoes in the garden because she always has loved doing that with me, I set myself up for resentment. Truth is, the resentment is towards me not here. I forgot to check in with myself and say something like, I will ask if she wants to garden, but not assume just because she use to like gardening that she will want to spend her time doing that this time at home.
It sounds trite, simple, but I hear from thousands of parents across the country of how disappointed they were in their children. Lower your automatic expectations. We change. They change. Offer the idea but don’t demand it, nor wait for them to participate with you. If you want to get your tiny tomatoes planted, go and enjoy your garden time.
Yes, you will feel disappointed that what you used to do wasn’t available this time, but hopefully, you won’t harbor anger towards yourself or your children because they didn’t want to do what you wanted to do.
Children hurt when they don’t get what they hoped for. How have you comforted your children in the past? Do you think that would work now or do you need to shift your extension of love towards them.
I think when children get that letter of I am sorry…… they just need time with themselves along with a sweet present moment from you that go like this, ” I am so sorry. I know how much you wanted to go to that college. I believe in you. I know you will be going to college in the fall.”
You know your child, so you will know what to say, especially if you think about it before the mail arrives. We feel sad when they are sad. Sadness isn’t permanent. Hopefully there are choices for your children or alternative plans.
Take good care of yourself first, so you can care for others. Good news wishes to you. May you enjoy your time together.
Natalie
Email me and let me know how you are doing with “THE CLOCK IS TICKING.”
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by Jennifer | Submitted on February 10, 2009
I have read books, articles, websites and gone to classes about get up and go, make the changes, grab a new start, my time now, but I can’t keep that motivation going. I am good for about three days, and then, boom.
Maybe it is winter and that makes it harder, but I think it is because I am burnt out in making my life better. I loved when I read here on this website that being is valid and honored.
Self -nurturing isn’t my question just so you know that about me. I am good at that one.
I have raised my girls and the last leaves this month. Tears for sure. I just don’t want to think about it, so I keep busy after work. She has been having her own life even before heading to college. After all, what teenager wants to hang with their mom?
I get all that. I know it won’t be real until we wave goodbye. Tears again, since I will miss her and her friends.
I am just wondering how you guys keep motivated when all your life you have been a self- starter.
At times, I feel like I am missing out because I can’t figure out what’s next or where to get the get up and go. I am very healthy and active, but something is missing when it comes to new connections and finding people who are similar to my values.
This year there is so much talk about volunteering, making the changes and the differences. I feel the excitement. I want to participate. I just don’t want to lead the search.
Do any of you feel this way?
Thanks for listening.
Best to all of you,
Jennifer
I have read and received phone calls about crowded houses.
Has someone moved back in? Are they are on their way? A grandmother called me saying her daughter and grand child need to come home due to job loss. A college son will be moving home for the summer until he finds work. His dream of graduation and right to work isn’t looking promising, but he keeps those applications circulating.
Change happens. Do you feel prepared emotionally and physically? For me, I am always building my inner resources. My resource kit includes stress reduction, planning fun times, and practicing communication negotiating skills. My daughter came back home. Surprise. She is out of the house, again. Yes, there are times I miss the spontaneity of a chat and walk together, but I do love my own rhythm that I worked to re- invent.
Do you need to prepare for a crowded house, again? How are you doing?
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
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local 818 763 0188 Los Angeles time
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Reinventing yourself seems to be more common these days despite the economy. Speaking with mothers and fathers, I am hearing focused, driven parents who want something now for themselves.
We all can relate to that wanting. These are the shifts they have made in their daily living:
(1) Joining a gym and getting a trainer to jump start them and a friend to be accountable to
(2) Taking classes online like business and art therapy
(3) Volunteering as mentors with children and adult literacy
(4) Traveling in their RV across the USA
(5) Joining social networks online
(6) Taking organic and going green classes at their community centers
(7) Using Skype to talk with their grandchildren and friends across the country and then turning those talks into scrapbooks as gifts
(8) Having Saturday breakfast at their local cafes to meet people
(9) Joining other artists to share their art in their homes and have an open gallery weekend
(10) Pot luck dinners and wine tasting with people they haven’t called in years
(11) Neighborhood watch meetings
(12) Traveling to see old friends from high school
(13) Clearing the clutter and having an organization like the VA pick it up for them
(14) Doing a part time business that they love, like calligraphy invitations
(15) Docent at a museum
(16) Researching where to move in order to be part of a walking community
(17) Renting out a room for income
(18) Starting their dream business out of their home
What would you choose to do that people would call you crazy? Think back to what you loved doing as a child and before you had children. What would you choose to do for a first step?
Have fun,
Natalie Caine, M.A.
Email natalie@empytnestsupport.com
800-446-3310 Los Angeles time
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I know the news is depressing. Still, parents are asking if it is a good time to go back to work.
Yes. Start the process.
1. List what would be fun to do part time or full time
2. Interview someone in the field asking, “What frustrates you during the day. What has surprised you about this career?”
3. Brush up on your skills, like computer class, photo shop, writing skills, communication skills. Use your public library for resources, researching online, classes online, and your community college or high school.
4. Get a professional to help you with your resume. You are worth the money spent.
5. Enjoy an upgrade on your make up and clothing by visiting the stores and noticing what is on the racks, accessories. Ask one of the artists at the make up counters to do your make up for free. Let them know you are heading back to work.
6. Polish those nails and toes in a light color. Get your hair shaped.
7. Be confident by talking to yourself in the mirror at home. Address your worst fear question, “What have you been doing?” Let them know you have always wanted to work in…….but family came first and now you are excited to be part of their team. Tell them what you can offer after you researched their company.
8. Don’t fake your dates on the resume or lie.
9. Really listen during the interview and pick up cues by what they are saying and asking you. Then, ask them a question, for example, “What three skills would you want an employee to have in order to make your days easier?” People attend more to a short story so give them one about you. “I use to be the family organizer for my sisters and brothers. My mom told me I would be a great mom because I kept everyone together. I kept those skills strong during raising my three children, to a point where the talk at my children’s school was, if you want that job done today for the library fundraiser, call Kate.”
10. Talk to yourself like a coach would talk to you. Be realistic. You will be nervous. Just keep going. Ask people for help.
You never know who you will meet along the way.
Let us know how the journey is going.
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800-446-3310 – Los Angeles
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“To look at something as though we had never seen it before requires great courage.” Henry Matisse
Isn’t that a fun idea? I think I will try that when I am in my winter garden. I planted tomato seeds in tiny containers in my garage, covered in saran wrap. They are just sprouting. It is too cold for them to be outside under the dirt.
My friend and I were talking about how much fun it is to put seeds in the dirt and then check on them to see what is growing. I never am without amazement when something green is popping up through the soil. Cost…three dollars…love that, too.
I am learning how to grow thirty seeds in a four inch container and then separate them when it is time to launch them outside. Sound familiar, parents? Grow and launch!
Nature is our consistent teacher.
What will you look at as if you had never seen it before?
PS. This morning I found an empty orange shell that the squirrel munched and carried behind a clay pot. So, again, what will you look at today as if you had never seen it before?
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
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For me, when I feel isolated, shut down, discouraged, weepy and have curled under my blankets with Kleenex, I soon rise to what I know lifts me….the arts. Sometimes I feel like I am pulling a ball and chain with me but I just keep going. Sing, dance, write a paragraph or more, watercolor, look at photography books, take some photos in my neighborhood, read poetry out loud with just me as the reader and audience, turn up my iTunes on the computer.
I call a friend to chat and that can propel me to stepping into the arts. Being still is healing. Being immobile hurts. If a friend is unavailable, write to an imaginary friend in your journal…Dear Kathryn, I am feeling…….. I just need……..
What do you do?
When you write the list keep it by your bed or in your journal. Read it. Have the supplies you need to do what is on your list.
You are making new habits this year which means they aren’t solid, yet. Change can take up to six weeks or longer, especially when the weather is absent of sun and warmth.
Take care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800-446-3310
The election is over and the inauguration is around the corner. Big changes, hopes, and celebrations are being planned.
It got me thinking in a different way about saying good bye to the roles we have been playing and hello to new parts of ourselves.
Let’s partner with ourselves. Let’s remember to be the kind of role model to ourselves that we have been to our children and family.
What do you need? What do you appreciate about how you have lived your life? What dream do you have over and over but just don’t have the support to step towards? Where is your community? What one habit do you want to course correct? For me, it is not starting my day by checking emails. I am going to go back to bundling up if I have to and drinking my morning coffee outside, one big black cup in a yellow pottery mug that looks more like a tall soup bowl. I don’t like sugar or cream. I will be having that morning ritual by myself, just like I use to before I got over productive: Partnering with me: Quiet with me: Holding my hand: Chatting with myself about my thoughts and feelings in that moment: Treating myself well: Getting my sillies out. Do any of you remember that song, shake your sillies out, or something like that?
When empty nesters ask me about something I learned that surprised me, it is that I still practice focusing on me and not enduring a situation past my resentment level. Checking in daily helps me not build up gummy residue. “Hey, Natalie, what’s up? What are you thinking about? Are feelings in there rising up right now? Disappointed about anything? Are you happy about anything?” I can’t always make a plan about what arises but I feel better simply naming it to myself. When I get irritable, it is my sign that I am over doing and have endured the situation for too long. I need to stop. I need to nurture myself.
I suggest you make a list of how you will partner with yourself this month. Start to make that a new habit.
Take good care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
– Ask me to come speak in your community
– Call for an individual telephone consultation: toll free number 800-446-3310, local, 818-763-0188.
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– Send me your questions about this life change of preparing for emptying your nest and sitting in it: natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org