Your children are back to school and in their routine, how are you unfolding your blank sheet of a day and night?
Parents tell me they are uncomfortable sharing that information. They feel embarrassed that:
1. They aren’t motivated.
2. They want ideas of how to have meaning in a day.
3. Jobs aren’t fulfilling but necessary
4. They have ideas but that is as far as they go.
5. They are confused about their feelings.
6. It’s cold and an effort to get out the door.
7. They aren’t sad but not really happy.
8. They feel left out of the outer world vitality.
What would you add to the embarrassing list?
New Year, new beginnings, new goals, but I require that you let your inner critic know you are not interested in hearing her/him right now. Truth is, you can’t kill or get rid of the inner critic. You can hear that naggy voice and quiet her/him sooner by saying to yourself, thanks for sharing. I got this right now. You can go.
Empty nesters are pioneers. They heal, explore, take action, change their mind, get nurtured, relax.
GOALS, MOTIVATION, PERSEVERANCE, COMPASSION AREN’T ENOUGH.
WE NEED SUPPORT. We need a tribe.
We need our community. We need connection.
The problem with the world is that we draw the circle of our family too small.
-Mother Teresa
I called my friend, Kate, and said let’s start our day with an email or short telephone check in to say what is on our need, want, must do, fun list for the day/night. At the end of the day/night, let’s check in for another connection. We will support and be accountable to each other. We love that it costs nothing.
Having one person to hear you and respond to you does make a difference in happiness and fulfillment.
If you can’t think of someone , use the empty nest support free message board.
Start a journal just for you…sacred space for feelings and ideas and thoughts. Doodle on the pages.
If you want to write a story, commit to one page a day and soon you will have chapters that you can email to a friend to read for feedback.
Take a photo of a project you are working on like knitting and email that photo to a friend.
Make that list of what you do want to keep doing this year as well as what you want to add. Please be realistic with who you are and what is happening in your life today.
Over and over, the people I speak with talk about how they don’t feel much joy or fun in their week and THEY WANT IT.
It does get a little more challenging to get motivated as the years climb up the ladder, but that does not mean it is out of reach. Make fun and happiness a priority on your list. I know habits and demands fill up a day, so schedule some fun and write it by your computer and calendar. One of my friends is adding piano lessons, again, to her list. She took five lessons and then didn’t keep it going at home. We all can relate to that story.
You are an adult and you get to start over without sitting in time out.
I like the news in the evening, but I also turn it off. I don’t have to hear it everyday because we all know that affects us. Turn on music while you cook dinner. Place that library book with your glasses and water in the den and cuddle under a blanket as you read something that entertains you. Keep a quotation book by your computer.
You know so much about what matters to you and what you want. You just get discouraged, so ask for help. Let yourself be a beginner. You don’t have to be an expert.
I am looking forward to knowing myself better this year…the challenging parts of me and the gifts I have and share. I continue to keep my expectations in check and practice being present with this moment and with what is available today.
Hope has been a lifetime strength of mine and so many times I have to call upon it. It is my middle name since birth. Natalie Hope Caine.
Write your name. Then write everything you love about yourself and are proud about the life you have lived. What have people commented about you over the years. What dreams softly sit on your shoulder? What difference would you like to make in this precious world? Is it committing to smiling when you are in the market so people see that light of hope? It doesn’t have to be a big deal. It just is a little shift each day that ripples and unfolds into a more joyous life.
Stay connected. Stay sweet to yourself and others .
Happy, Healthy New Year,
Natalie Caine, M.A.
Toll free number 800-446-3310
Local 818-763-0188
www.emptynestsupport.com
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Will you be able to be present with whatever presents you give or receive?
Now is the time to laugh, hug, and have little surprises fill our homes. We set the tone and I actually like taking on that role.
As I have shared with you before, I get present because I like being a positive role model. Sounds corny, but it really does motivate me to be at my best and be real. After all, what is more important than the person right in front of you?
My tradition is to read a new book to her. It is wrapped and set on her bed. Truth is, I still choose a children’s book. Don’t tell…. I chose “The Pigeon Wants a Puppy” by Mo Williams. My daughter has a fantastic collection of children’s books from this tradition. We cuddle in her bed and I read to her. I just love it no matter what day it happens. Letting go of schedules has helped over the years.
What matters this holiday are kindness, beauty, laughter and lots of food. Come on…a filled cupboard and refrigerator is a good feeling. It doesn’t have to be all fattening and expensive foods. It does have to be quick, comforting and yummy. Soups are staples.
Practice being playful, relaxed, loving. Lower your expectations and you won’t be as frustrated. People are good. They just don’t always do things as you wish they would.
Be that safe harbor for those who enter your lovely home.
Our children want to feel and see hope at home. Use this time together to be uplifting and playful. Have meaningful conversations because believe it or not, they are interested in the world and ways you think about it all. They like discussions on their timing, of course.
Home is comfort.
Let them know what you need to enjoy this holiday season together.
May the holidays bring you smiles and wonderous surprises.
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800-446-3310 Los Angeles time
Pass it on
by Casey | submitted on December 7, 2008
I thought our children were launched into growing into adulthood when they left for college.
I see them forgetful, not helping out when asked to, moody, messy and mean talking at times. They will be home for almost three weeks for winter college break.
We nurtured our children and educated them. We worked hard to provide and love them, as all parents do, but to be honest I am feeling sad. I thought we taught respect and caring and giving back.
Key is we are a family and no matter what age we are or what our financial status is, we need to respect and care for each other in loving ways.
I am crying writing this today. Sounds like I feel like a failure as a parent, but I don’t. I have done twenty years of good parenting. I don’t understand their actions and I don’t like it.
I want my family by my side when needed and I want to be by theirs but when they act selfish, I want to punish them. I can’t believe I wrote the words punish them.
They aren’t little or are they? I have friendships and community so I don’t need them to be my best friend. I do need them to not be so self-centered. Do the dishes, go to the grocery store, clean out the garage, return videos, be pleasant around the house, clean their room, walk the dog, call when they aren’t coming home, don’t sleep so late, get your laundry out of the washer and into the dryer. When I read that list I just wrote, I sound like a parent and I can’t believe I am that kind of parent who has to ask for that help or remind them to help out.
These are difficult times for all families so maybe that is part of what is affecting me, but I doubt it. I am disappointed in their actions.
Do any of you have these feelings come up? How do you deal with it?
Thanks for listening to my current story.
Casey
Happy Holidays to all!
by Robert | submitted on November 23, 2008
I am a husband and empty nest father. My daughter and son are both in college, different colleges. I miss them. I more so miss my wife.
I thought we would have time for us now. She is still sad and I get that, but when and how do I get us back?
That sounded absurd when I just wrote it. I know it is a loss for her. Me too. We just deal differently. I want her to get some professional help and she is doing that. Our children have been in college for two years now. We have been married for twenty.
Where are all the dads and husbands? I feel alone with these changes. We hurt too and are confused. I too saw a therapist.
Sometimes I feel like I am married on paper but single on the weekends. We both work and like our work. I have tried talking, planning outings for us for part of a day, movies, dinner out, walks and more. I don’t want to abandon us but I wonder if other husbands are going through this in the empty nest. It is not hormonal because we saw a physician about that issue.
Any advice would be helpful from you dads and husbands out there.
Is anyone going through this with their partners?
Thank you,
Robert
by Cindy | submitted on November 13, 2008
“What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls the butterfly.” Richard Bach
Natalie and I laughed with tears about trying to flap our wings like an empty nest monarch, take ourselves lightly and fly to afriend, not the old twiggy nest.
It was a sad day of fighting with my daughter. She was home for the holidays carrying irritability, late nights, and rolling eyes. I think you get the picture.
I was carrying excitement and thinking of fun hikes, new lunch places to take her, movies, shopping, gardening and cooking. You would think I was from the dinosaur age when in reality it had only been three months since I hugged her goodbye at her college dorm and we seemed to know each other well.
Unprepared for these changes, I shut down. I, the adult of more years than anyone wants to know, was acting like a five year old, pouting. I just didn’t know what to say because I felt it wouldn’t matter. Her door seemed closed to me.
Bottom line is I had to remind myself we are in different roles. I had to focus back on my day and what I wanted to do and not think about plans with her. If she wanted to do something she would let me know. I slipped her a note that said I realize we are in transition and my expectations were unrealistic. Let me know what you want to do while you are home. Some things that really matter to me are that we cook together and have sometime to take a walk and chit chat.
Drum role, I got a note back from her, “Mom, I love you. I am tired and feel pressure to catch up with my friends and have time with the family. I am just not use to talking to parents right now so I just want to do my thing. Sorry I made you mad.”
Remember how all we wanted for mother’s day were home made cards, well I got mine early. Seeing the written words, “I love you, mom.” is all I needed from her. I let go of agendas and how it use to be. Sounds needy but in fact I realize we can’t tell each other enough how we appreciate and love each other even in new territories of our relationship.
I am so grateful I am not going through this transition in my new mom role alone.
Thanks for this place to share and get feedback.
Happier woman today,
Cindy
PS. Natalie, I posted that quotation on my mirror, thanks.
I notice this year, more than others that traditions no longer work for some families.
Children are far away. In-laws have rights, too. Divorce means sharing. Grandparents and parents have died. Military families are separated. Illness causes limitations. Economic challenges affect travel, menus, and gift giving.
How do you still have a celebration?
1. Lower your expectations
Some wake up inspired and applauding; others fearful and disappointed. You, as parents, have been in all those feelings before, but for different circumstances.
News brings up memories and feelings. We are a community here. We will come together no matter what the ups and downs. We will be here to celebrate good times.
Change, whether for joy or challenges, brings up newness and maybe a sense of feeling off balance
It has been an intense time. It is a time to review our core values. For me, when I remember that I am more than what I am in the midst of living, then I can be present with perseverance and hope.
– Review your talents.
– Check out how you are doing with your self-worth rather than allowing your inner critic to blind you.
– Get outside and look at the changing colors.
– Focus on what is working in your life.
– Speak up.
– Take baby steps for newness.
– Lower your expectations in order not to set yourself up for being hurt. Reality check helps.
– Differences allow for curiosity and compassion.
– Notice what limits you and stop the chatter. Stand tall.
I could go on and on with what I need to hear myself remember, but fortunately for you and for me, I need to get out the door.
LOVE THE LIFE YOU HAVE
Take good care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800-446-3310
I have been receiving sweet emails and calls from parents on the way to visiting their children at Parent
by Marilyn | submitted on October 3, 2008
I have mixed feelings about my children that don’t live at home. I am further out from that dark send off.
One is married, one is in grad school, and the other is working after graduating this January from college.
I just adore all of them. Memories are wonderful. Love being a mom.
I get sentimental and then can spin down. Mostly, I must tell you that it is great to have the peace and quiet. Our home was center people station.
Around the holidays, I want the ole traditions back because sometimes I don’t feel like inventing new ones.
I get excited to see my children and have time with them. Every time, the separation is a little anxious for me and a little sad.
I feel so connected with their stories and mine, the laughs, and pick up energy. Hugs good bye just aren’t happy moments.
Then, I get back into hearing me and not having to respond or adjust to a house full of children. You know they are really into themselves most of the time because of their ages.
Do you know what I mean? I actually like having my own mornings and evenings. I like my weekends of changing my mind or heading out the door and not checking the clock. I like being with me and of course other people’s company, but this emptying turned out to be a great time of my life.
I started taking classes, working out more, traveling, meeting new people, resting, reading, and the list goes on. Simple life, I know, but I like it.
Do any of you feel this way?
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org