“To look at something as though we had never seen it before requires great courage.” Henry Matisse
Isn’t that a fun idea? I think I will try that when I am in my winter garden. I planted tomato seeds in tiny containers in my garage, covered in saran wrap. They are just sprouting. It is too cold for them to be outside under the dirt.
My friend and I were talking about how much fun it is to put seeds in the dirt and then check on them to see what is growing. I never am without amazement when something green is popping up through the soil. Cost…three dollars…love that, too.
I am learning how to grow thirty seeds in a four inch container and then separate them when it is time to launch them outside. Sound familiar, parents? Grow and launch!
Nature is our consistent teacher.
What will you look at as if you had never seen it before?
PS. This morning I found an empty orange shell that the squirrel munched and carried behind a clay pot. So, again, what will you look at today as if you had never seen it before?
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800-446-3310 toll free number
Invite me to come speak
Call for a private consultation or retreat
Check on support groups
For me, when I feel isolated, shut down, discouraged, weepy and have curled under my blankets with Kleenex, I soon rise to what I know lifts me….the arts. Sometimes I feel like I am pulling a ball and chain with me but I just keep going. Sing, dance, write a paragraph or more, watercolor, look at photography books, take some photos in my neighborhood, read poetry out loud with just me as the reader and audience, turn up my iTunes on the computer.
I call a friend to chat and that can propel me to stepping into the arts. Being still is healing. Being immobile hurts. If a friend is unavailable, write to an imaginary friend in your journal…Dear Kathryn, I am feeling…….. I just need……..
What do you do?
When you write the list keep it by your bed or in your journal. Read it. Have the supplies you need to do what is on your list.
You are making new habits this year which means they aren’t solid, yet. Change can take up to six weeks or longer, especially when the weather is absent of sun and warmth.
Take care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800-446-3310
The election is over and the inauguration is around the corner. Big changes, hopes, and celebrations are being planned.
It got me thinking in a different way about saying good bye to the roles we have been playing and hello to new parts of ourselves.
Let’s partner with ourselves. Let’s remember to be the kind of role model to ourselves that we have been to our children and family.
What do you need? What do you appreciate about how you have lived your life? What dream do you have over and over but just don’t have the support to step towards? Where is your community? What one habit do you want to course correct? For me, it is not starting my day by checking emails. I am going to go back to bundling up if I have to and drinking my morning coffee outside, one big black cup in a yellow pottery mug that looks more like a tall soup bowl. I don’t like sugar or cream. I will be having that morning ritual by myself, just like I use to before I got over productive: Partnering with me: Quiet with me: Holding my hand: Chatting with myself about my thoughts and feelings in that moment: Treating myself well: Getting my sillies out. Do any of you remember that song, shake your sillies out, or something like that?
When empty nesters ask me about something I learned that surprised me, it is that I still practice focusing on me and not enduring a situation past my resentment level. Checking in daily helps me not build up gummy residue. “Hey, Natalie, what’s up? What are you thinking about? Are feelings in there rising up right now? Disappointed about anything? Are you happy about anything?” I can’t always make a plan about what arises but I feel better simply naming it to myself. When I get irritable, it is my sign that I am over doing and have endured the situation for too long. I need to stop. I need to nurture myself.
I suggest you make a list of how you will partner with yourself this month. Start to make that a new habit.
Take good care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
– Ask me to come speak in your community
– Call for an individual telephone consultation: toll free number 800-446-3310, local, 818-763-0188.
– Visit our free message board where we are building a community.
– Send me your questions about this life change of preparing for emptying your nest and sitting in it: natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Your children are back to school and in their routine, how are you unfolding your blank sheet of a day and night?
Parents tell me they are uncomfortable sharing that information. They feel embarrassed that:
1. They aren’t motivated.
2. They want ideas of how to have meaning in a day.
3. Jobs aren’t fulfilling but necessary
4. They have ideas but that is as far as they go.
5. They are confused about their feelings.
6. It’s cold and an effort to get out the door.
7. They aren’t sad but not really happy.
8. They feel left out of the outer world vitality.
What would you add to the embarrassing list?
New Year, new beginnings, new goals, but I require that you let your inner critic know you are not interested in hearing her/him right now. Truth is, you can’t kill or get rid of the inner critic. You can hear that naggy voice and quiet her/him sooner by saying to yourself, thanks for sharing. I got this right now. You can go.
Empty nesters are pioneers. They heal, explore, take action, change their mind, get nurtured, relax.
GOALS, MOTIVATION, PERSEVERANCE, COMPASSION AREN’T ENOUGH.
WE NEED SUPPORT. We need a tribe.
We need our community. We need connection.
The problem with the world is that we draw the circle of our family too small.
-Mother Teresa
I called my friend, Kate, and said let’s start our day with an email or short telephone check in to say what is on our need, want, must do, fun list for the day/night. At the end of the day/night, let’s check in for another connection. We will support and be accountable to each other. We love that it costs nothing.
Having one person to hear you and respond to you does make a difference in happiness and fulfillment.
If you can’t think of someone , use the empty nest support free message board.
Start a journal just for you…sacred space for feelings and ideas and thoughts. Doodle on the pages.
If you want to write a story, commit to one page a day and soon you will have chapters that you can email to a friend to read for feedback.
Take a photo of a project you are working on like knitting and email that photo to a friend.
Make that list of what you do want to keep doing this year as well as what you want to add. Please be realistic with who you are and what is happening in your life today.
Over and over, the people I speak with talk about how they don’t feel much joy or fun in their week and THEY WANT IT.
It does get a little more challenging to get motivated as the years climb up the ladder, but that does not mean it is out of reach. Make fun and happiness a priority on your list. I know habits and demands fill up a day, so schedule some fun and write it by your computer and calendar. One of my friends is adding piano lessons, again, to her list. She took five lessons and then didn’t keep it going at home. We all can relate to that story.
You are an adult and you get to start over without sitting in time out.
I like the news in the evening, but I also turn it off. I don’t have to hear it everyday because we all know that affects us. Turn on music while you cook dinner. Place that library book with your glasses and water in the den and cuddle under a blanket as you read something that entertains you. Keep a quotation book by your computer.
You know so much about what matters to you and what you want. You just get discouraged, so ask for help. Let yourself be a beginner. You don’t have to be an expert.
I am looking forward to knowing myself better this year…the challenging parts of me and the gifts I have and share. I continue to keep my expectations in check and practice being present with this moment and with what is available today.
Hope has been a lifetime strength of mine and so many times I have to call upon it. It is my middle name since birth. Natalie Hope Caine.
Write your name. Then write everything you love about yourself and are proud about the life you have lived. What have people commented about you over the years. What dreams softly sit on your shoulder? What difference would you like to make in this precious world? Is it committing to smiling when you are in the market so people see that light of hope? It doesn’t have to be a big deal. It just is a little shift each day that ripples and unfolds into a more joyous life.
Stay connected. Stay sweet to yourself and others .
Happy, Healthy New Year,
Natalie Caine, M.A.
Toll free number 800-446-3310
Local 818-763-0188
www.emptynestsupport.com
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Will you be able to be present with whatever presents you give or receive?
Now is the time to laugh, hug, and have little surprises fill our homes. We set the tone and I actually like taking on that role.
As I have shared with you before, I get present because I like being a positive role model. Sounds corny, but it really does motivate me to be at my best and be real. After all, what is more important than the person right in front of you?
My tradition is to read a new book to her. It is wrapped and set on her bed. Truth is, I still choose a children’s book. Don’t tell…. I chose “The Pigeon Wants a Puppy” by Mo Williams. My daughter has a fantastic collection of children’s books from this tradition. We cuddle in her bed and I read to her. I just love it no matter what day it happens. Letting go of schedules has helped over the years.
What matters this holiday are kindness, beauty, laughter and lots of food. Come on…a filled cupboard and refrigerator is a good feeling. It doesn’t have to be all fattening and expensive foods. It does have to be quick, comforting and yummy. Soups are staples.
Practice being playful, relaxed, loving. Lower your expectations and you won’t be as frustrated. People are good. They just don’t always do things as you wish they would.
Be that safe harbor for those who enter your lovely home.
Our children want to feel and see hope at home. Use this time together to be uplifting and playful. Have meaningful conversations because believe it or not, they are interested in the world and ways you think about it all. They like discussions on their timing, of course.
Home is comfort.
Let them know what you need to enjoy this holiday season together.
May the holidays bring you smiles and wonderous surprises.
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800-446-3310 Los Angeles time
Pass it on
by Casey | submitted on December 7, 2008
I thought our children were launched into growing into adulthood when they left for college.
I see them forgetful, not helping out when asked to, moody, messy and mean talking at times. They will be home for almost three weeks for winter college break.
We nurtured our children and educated them. We worked hard to provide and love them, as all parents do, but to be honest I am feeling sad. I thought we taught respect and caring and giving back.
Key is we are a family and no matter what age we are or what our financial status is, we need to respect and care for each other in loving ways.
I am crying writing this today. Sounds like I feel like a failure as a parent, but I don’t. I have done twenty years of good parenting. I don’t understand their actions and I don’t like it.
I want my family by my side when needed and I want to be by theirs but when they act selfish, I want to punish them. I can’t believe I wrote the words punish them.
They aren’t little or are they? I have friendships and community so I don’t need them to be my best friend. I do need them to not be so self-centered. Do the dishes, go to the grocery store, clean out the garage, return videos, be pleasant around the house, clean their room, walk the dog, call when they aren’t coming home, don’t sleep so late, get your laundry out of the washer and into the dryer. When I read that list I just wrote, I sound like a parent and I can’t believe I am that kind of parent who has to ask for that help or remind them to help out.
These are difficult times for all families so maybe that is part of what is affecting me, but I doubt it. I am disappointed in their actions.
Do any of you have these feelings come up? How do you deal with it?
Thanks for listening to my current story.
Casey
Happy Holidays to all!
by Robert | submitted on November 23, 2008
I am a husband and empty nest father. My daughter and son are both in college, different colleges. I miss them. I more so miss my wife.
I thought we would have time for us now. She is still sad and I get that, but when and how do I get us back?
That sounded absurd when I just wrote it. I know it is a loss for her. Me too. We just deal differently. I want her to get some professional help and she is doing that. Our children have been in college for two years now. We have been married for twenty.
Where are all the dads and husbands? I feel alone with these changes. We hurt too and are confused. I too saw a therapist.
Sometimes I feel like I am married on paper but single on the weekends. We both work and like our work. I have tried talking, planning outings for us for part of a day, movies, dinner out, walks and more. I don’t want to abandon us but I wonder if other husbands are going through this in the empty nest. It is not hormonal because we saw a physician about that issue.
Any advice would be helpful from you dads and husbands out there.
Is anyone going through this with their partners?
Thank you,
Robert
by Cindy | submitted on November 13, 2008
“What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls the butterfly.” Richard Bach
Natalie and I laughed with tears about trying to flap our wings like an empty nest monarch, take ourselves lightly and fly to afriend, not the old twiggy nest.
It was a sad day of fighting with my daughter. She was home for the holidays carrying irritability, late nights, and rolling eyes. I think you get the picture.
I was carrying excitement and thinking of fun hikes, new lunch places to take her, movies, shopping, gardening and cooking. You would think I was from the dinosaur age when in reality it had only been three months since I hugged her goodbye at her college dorm and we seemed to know each other well.
Unprepared for these changes, I shut down. I, the adult of more years than anyone wants to know, was acting like a five year old, pouting. I just didn’t know what to say because I felt it wouldn’t matter. Her door seemed closed to me.
Bottom line is I had to remind myself we are in different roles. I had to focus back on my day and what I wanted to do and not think about plans with her. If she wanted to do something she would let me know. I slipped her a note that said I realize we are in transition and my expectations were unrealistic. Let me know what you want to do while you are home. Some things that really matter to me are that we cook together and have sometime to take a walk and chit chat.
Drum role, I got a note back from her, “Mom, I love you. I am tired and feel pressure to catch up with my friends and have time with the family. I am just not use to talking to parents right now so I just want to do my thing. Sorry I made you mad.”
Remember how all we wanted for mother’s day were home made cards, well I got mine early. Seeing the written words, “I love you, mom.” is all I needed from her. I let go of agendas and how it use to be. Sounds needy but in fact I realize we can’t tell each other enough how we appreciate and love each other even in new territories of our relationship.
I am so grateful I am not going through this transition in my new mom role alone.
Thanks for this place to share and get feedback.
Happier woman today,
Cindy
PS. Natalie, I posted that quotation on my mirror, thanks.
I notice this year, more than others that traditions no longer work for some families.
Children are far away. In-laws have rights, too. Divorce means sharing. Grandparents and parents have died. Military families are separated. Illness causes limitations. Economic challenges affect travel, menus, and gift giving.
How do you still have a celebration?
1. Lower your expectations
Some wake up inspired and applauding; others fearful and disappointed. You, as parents, have been in all those feelings before, but for different circumstances.
News brings up memories and feelings. We are a community here. We will come together no matter what the ups and downs. We will be here to celebrate good times.
Change, whether for joy or challenges, brings up newness and maybe a sense of feeling off balance
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org