I know the sadness is huge when you hug your little one, who grew up so quickly, goodbye for now.
You wonder how they are doing. Will they call or email to say hello, which of course would instantly make you smile all day.
Separation is change. Change is lonely and unsettling to say the least.
Mothers and fathers have been calling with feelings and questions. Good news is they are saying what is real for them. They want to know if these feelings are
In my last blog, which you can still read here on the web, I talked about,
by Mary Beth | submitted on September 8, 2008
In a week, I hug my son goodbye at the dorm. I can barely write that. I just don’t want to think about it. Then I thought, well, deal with it.
I love being a parent. I love his school life and his friends, but I also have things I haven’t liked, like his losing things, leaving the kitchen a mess, not doing what he said he would do, talking back, not helping out.
So, if there are things we don’t like about our children at times, I just wish there were ways to not ache for them to still need us and to want to stick around.
Of course I get it that they are suppose to grow up and have their own life, but I hate the sorrow. I am proud of him and wish all his dreams to come true.
Now I have to find my dreams. I have to try something that will zing me besides the life I have known, which by the way, is a great life.
I just notice I am not as ambitious as I was in my younger days. I am in my late fifties and far from over the hill, but , and this is a big one for me….I just need help getting to the starting line and figuring out what I want to stand on that will make me have a big smile.
I have planned, thanks to this web, ways to prepare and things to do when I come back to the silence and emptiness at home.
I will find my new interests and loves but oh how I don’t want to think about that hug goodbye and long flight back home without him. Go son go. Go mom go…
Thanks for letting me write here,
Mary Beth
I have spoken with many mothers and even fathers this year, from across the country, all with similar words
Empty Nest Support
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Take good care
Packing them up, checking the list, finalizing details, as your children are almost in the dorm. You are shocked that this life you have had with your precious one has gone so fast.
Empty nest is not for long because they do come back, but for now, that is not what you are thinking and feeling.
It is so normal to feel tearful, even having the ugly cries. The role you love is instantly going to change when you come back home from that hug at the dorm.
You know the role you played as a parent and who they were as your child will be different. Change is lonely and scary at times.
For now, plan for you.
– Focus on what you need when the house is silent.
– Get some videos.
– Have coffee and talk time scheduled with a friend.
– Get nurtured and rest.
– Put a flowering plant in your bedroom.
– Start your journal.
– Pause before you text or instant message them. Do you need to call a friend for comfort and let your child be?
– Ask a friend to email you in the mornings and evenings just to have some connection and not isolation the first week.
– Write a list of what is fun for you and what you are good at when you have the energy to dream again.
At first, you might be feeling immobile and simply grieving. Normal for sure. Ask for help.
Take good care of yourself and be gentle in this major transition.
Natalie
by Sally | submitted on July 29, 2008
My son is leaving in August for his sophomore year in college. I thought it would be easier this time with the letting go, but I feel sad.
We have had wonderful talks and BBQ’s, as well as, having his friends back in the house. The silence is nearing. The not seeing him until Thanksgiving and not having the sounds of him around the house and just seeing his face are bringing mists of tears for me.
I hope I will feel the sadness for just a brief time. I work and have great friends. We play bridge and some of us are talking about starting something new, we just don’t know what the something is. We are energetic, but that doesn’t really help when the issue is, “what do I want to major in, in this next chapter of my life.” Are we kids again learning how to play and reach for something that matters?” Researching at the library and wanting a book to fall off the shelf and land in our hopeful laps for new purpose.
I just had no idea this empty nest would be ongoing. How is this for being innocent? Parenting wasn’t all of me, but added meaning. I do like my own time and less problem solving issues that spontaneously arise with children, but I just don’t like not hearing his voice and if he is happy or not. Plus, I am uncomfortable with the void. I want to fill it, but keep coming up with, “no I don’t want to do that.”
Are you having these feelings too? How are you dealing with all of it? I am so grateful we have each other on this site.
Thanks for being here,
Sally
by Nancy | July 8, 2008
Not only is my son leaving in September for college, but I just lost my job.
I am a good person. I thought bad things don’t happen to really good people.
So what are the rules for getting through so much loss at one time? I like rules because they challenge me and give me a straight direction.
New expenses and loneliness, not to mention the “anxiety” word because I don’t want to take medication.
I am a believer that when one door opens another can open, but frankly, I don’t have the strength to even reach for the door knob.
Proud of my son and all the details have actually been fun and focused for me. He is rarely home this summer or even all this year. So, I have had some practice with the change in our relationship.
Now I am on the job hunt, but more like on the crawl.
Good to talk with you,
Nancy
Cranky and then cranked up.
A mother said I could share that with you as she shared it with me in a telephone session.
For weeks she was, of course, sad when her daughter left for college. She expected all the grieving feelings, but didn
by Carly | submitted on June 6, 2008
My son just graduated high school and we just cried…then danced.
My whole family is excited about his going to college. I have been busy with check lists and tears of the things coming to end at his high school.
I feel older. I mean really older and I wasn’t expecting that. I don’t feel old on the inside, but I do on my driver’s license and my waistline. It’s ok and it’s now.
His empty room in August begins a shift in my daily schedule and evening meals. I could list what I look forward to but it is so trite.
What I don’t like is that I have no young boy at home who lifts the house with just who he is and friends. A quiet house, my husband and I need to fill. No one can fill the mothering I loved with it’s simple days of homework, school games, BBQ’s, splashing with his floppy fins, birthday parties in October with pumpkins, bed time stories, shopping for a sports jacket and converse shoes.
I am not embarrassed with this melancholy. I am afraid of missing him and not being able to do anything about that missing.
Sure we had our fights, but when the time is nearing that he is leaving, I am not latching onto those memories. Yes, I hate the clean up and late driving car pool from his parties and the arguments about lights, and noise, and empty juice cartons in the refrig and not taking out the trash.
I hate all the rushing around and my, more than not, feeling tired. I work, but that isn’t really where the tired comes from. I do look forward to free time, but will it really feel free or will I be missing him too much to enjoy? Have I been too filled with his life? Is it a normal filling when you love your kids?
Will I know what I want to do besides for sleep more, cook less, clean less, workout more, have my friends over for adult dinners and go to concerts with my husband, travel? You know all the things you think you will do if you only had free time and oh more money.
I don’t know. I just am sad today and last week and probably next week because my little boy is going on without mommy driving him or picking him up. I am sad today that I won’t hear him playing the guitar, hand me the ranch salad dressing at our kitchen table or peek in his poster room and see him sleeping.
I won’t see him out my window for a long time. When I do see him, will he look different and be different? I know he will be back, but the whole family will be different. We all have to go with the changes. I don’t do very well with change.
Thanks for listening,
Carly
Over and over I am reminded that what gets us through painful times is a friend.
We know that, but when we are hurting we isolate. We don
by Brenda | submitted on May 12, 2008
My children were like my customers. I would work for them until I drop. No, not, a martyr, just a passion. I researched about parenting in every stage, even teen age and college stage, but there wasn’t much about empty nest that I didn’t already know. “It will take time and you have to let go.”
Successfully, I raised two children. Working for them meant I would rock them, feed them, make them laugh, talk and talk so they could learn to talk and listen and listen, so they would feel free to be themselves.
Now I have to do whatever it takes to not email, call, or text them too much. I have to change my day and night job as a mother whose children are coming home after practice or a school trip, or a party.
One is just married and the other is in college. All good times, but I have such non-productive time. I am not used to that. I was a working mom but work isn’t enough for me.
So I realized, I can’t get every joy from my children, work, partner, or friends. I have to be OK with boredom and uncertainty.
What bugs me is time is clicking. Aging trips me up saying I should be finding more satisfaction.
Honestly, I am surprised that the dissatisfaction is not that my children aren’t around as much, but that I don’t know what to do with the free time that I always wanted. Emptiness.
Like my friend said, “How much time can we spend working out, gardening, seeing movies, reading, decorating the house, volunteering, etc.? There must be more!
Well, I just wanted to share what’s up for me these days. Now, I feel a little better. I hear the humor in myself.
Thanks for listening.
Brenda
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org