1. Have someone to talk with who is in or has been in the empty nest
2. Make a plan to get out of the house like going to a bookstore and joining a book club
by Allison | submitted on June 25, 2007
Dear Empty Nesters,
When I write to you I feel like we are old time friends. We are. We are parents. Parents who did our best. Parents who laughed at our kids jokes and school plays, and held them crying with fevers and tummy aches. Parents who read them GOOD NIGHT MOON. Parents who grabbed the car keys to make it to the games, to car pool, to play dates. Parents who cheered them on when they tried out, went to their first party, and sleep away camp. Parents who shopped and hoped they would like what we bought them. Parents who said yes, you can do it. Parents who let go of the back of the bike seat. Parents who let go when they carried their back packs to class, to field trips, to sleepovers, on buses, airplanes, trains, dorms, apartments, houses.
You know we are old time friends because we love our children more than we even knew what love really felt like and how it would change our lives. We are friends because we deal with budgets, choices, nights alone, sacrifices, sleepless nights, tantrums, rejection, worries, confusion, yelling, mistakes, fears, messes, exhaustion, social events, doubts, disappointments, tears, excitement, celebrations, sorrows, loss, illness, trauma, unfairness, awkwardness, hopes, big smiles.
Friends because we are devoted and would rise to a calling at any age and anytime of night.
We would fall into bed and feel like we are the lucky ones to have these children, to feel this fullness in our rooms, to know we made a difference, to see them in the morning and begin a new day.
Parents know their children it’s just NOT REAL until they are gone. Then our children left. We suffered. We adjusted. We actually got our groove on and our graduation certificates, but they are back in the nest and I wonder dear empty nesters, NOW WHAT.
Just when I think I got my smiles and routines and friends gathered, I am hearing and seeing my children daily, but they aren’t children…they are adults. Adults living in our home where my coffee cup, my towel, my CD’s and DVD’s are cluttered with theirs.
Where is the love? Well it is calling for a redefinition and rhythm. Like you, I love them, but come on, I am done. I don’t want to talk when I don’t’ want to talk, I don’t want to see piles of laundry, empty milk cartons back in the frig, empty car tanks, loud voices and music, changing of plans, full sink of dishes, empty cereal boxes, lights left on, phone ringing, friends popping in and my having to keep my door closed.
Come on now I don’t mean to burst the love bubble, but pop….I don’t want to figure out this new role stuff. I want to be self centered and take the money and run. Ok not really, but come on now, I don’t want to share my space. There I said it. ONE WEEK and already it stinks. They can’t get it. They are only in their twenties and I am way beyond those years, happily, except for the lack of gravity and fatigue.
So dear friends can you give me a little light on this dark subject of children moving back home?
See ya in the super market.
Allison
In my groups and phone consultations I think you too would relate to the current cry: THEY
I cried weeks before showing up at my daughter
by Allison | submitted on May 7, 2007
I use to be the preferred one for my children and I miss that feeling. But, what was I thinking…that they would stay attached to me forever…ah maybe…well not attached, just in love with me.
Yes, they do love me, it is just the definition of love keeps changing… I thought it meant chatting and spending time together. But then again, when I was in my twenties and thirties, I didn’t chat and spend that much time with my folks.
So here it is…”get over yourself, mother”…that is what I tell myself…I am so much more than a mother, but I needed them to kick me out of the house so to speak.
Here’s what I have been up to:
I drop miniature notes in the mail to my kids…31, 26, 22, that might be about my day or a cartoon I cut from the paper or a doodle smile face just saying happy hi. I send cards to my parents and cousins too.
I search the internet and thank goodness for empty nest support services so I know I am not crazy on lonely days. I also search hiking trails, events for the weekend, best vacation spots for April, classes at community colleges, summer jazz festivals, non profit organizations, lecture series, piano lessons, and recipes.
My husband has to travel for his clients so I have a lot of free time. I work three long days at a garden nursery .
My latest dream is volunteering in Peru where I can teach the kids English.
I guess these days, I am finally learning to be alone with me, like me more, and risk being uncomfortable in social situations by myself. I even go to workshops alone. I just hate that first feeling of finding a place to sit in the room. Ridiculous, I know at age 52, but I still want a friend in my classes and someone to eat lunch with on the yard…ha ha.
My good friend started a bakery of cupcakes but I don’t want to get fat so I don’t go in that room. I can’t take just one bite like her…I need the whole pantry.
So I dream to be outside…I plan to live at least twenty -five more years, but truth is I am not into planning and goals. I had to do that to raise my three kids…now I am into whatever I wake up thinking and fall asleep dreaming.
Empty nester filling herself with fun,Allison
Priorities needs and values wind through even a closed door when empty nesters deal with aging parents.
Mary shared her tears and little girl self while we had our phone consultation.
Her uncle died, her mother
by A Woman Out for a Fun Day | submitted on March 30, 2007
I have two kids. Some days I like them and some I want to say “see ya.” But I am a blunt woman who is softening from pain and appreciation.
I am sharing my joy with you. Simply said. I had no worries today and no fears. My clothes fit. Sun carried me outside. Bills were paid. Kids emailed. My health is crystal clean and my attitude is glistening.
I have no worries today. I get that it is a gift to wake up and make my day my way… I command more days to feel good and try something just for me.
Today I am happy. I am still an empty nester whose kids are thousands of miles away from home living their happy days. I did the best I could. I know I love them. They know they love me.
I need to move my days past parenting. Get more comfortable with alone time, with eating alone, driving myself to a movie, taking a trip with only the sounds of me, making plans even though I wish someone else would offer.
I am grown up. I was a late bloomer. I list my days with what embraces me I close my eyes knowing no one in my circle is hurting. I am a mom. I am a woman who finally can attempt to figure out what I want from day up to day down.
Thank goodness I am sensitive. As a child, that was a bad thing. As an adult I appreciate that I feel pain and happiness …mine and yours. Now I can share …so here I am telling you that life is happy, joyous after the kids pack it up and the phone doesn’t ring asking me to do something.
Yes, I welcome them any time. I will market, cook and do laundry but mostly I will smile just having them in the den and kitchen, chatting away. Empty nest…how come no one ever talked about this time of life?
A WOMAN OUT FOR A FUN DAY ….flea markets and coffee latte!
A month ago during an interview lead by a journalist questioning what is the story with empty nesters she said,
by Christine Whelan | submitted on March 7, 2007
I really love my children and I love having them around, but I also love the peace and quiet of my empty nest. I feel a little guilty about that but not often or very much. I think that is in part because I got married at age 19 and had my first child a few months later and by the time I reached twenty-seven I had five children. So I am enjoying getting to know my husband again, we often cook together and we cuddle more often on the couch to watch TV or a movie. We take short trips out of town for no reason at all and go to museums and shows more often. Oh sure, we could have been doing those things for the last several years and we did a little, but it just seems more spontaneous and carefree now. I am glad that I seem to have done my job, as I see it, and raised five independent and responsible adults. Of course, there are times when I wish I had a time machine so I could go back to fix some of my mistakes or just for the heck of it, so I could spend one more day with my children when they were young. If I had known how fast the time would go, I would have tried to slow it down somehow. Or pay more attention. But I guess my kids have turned out okay, and they know I am here for support and advice, (but only when asked) and they aren’t afraid to ask. What’s more they know that each other are there also. After all the years of quabbles, I rejoice that my kids often call, text or email each other to get advice or just to talk. So we are a close family, even though we are not geographically close and the nest is there whenever it’s needed
Carrie, an empty nester single mom, called me and said,
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org