My grateful list as an Empty nester
When my tears bring me down, and I curl into bed missing that love
Empty nest will be full. Holidays are next week. I have been routinely working away, long days and nights. I let my
honey know.
My girlfriend and I were hiking this morning and she asked me,
My house wasn’t quiet because all three of my boys came home to stuff themselves with yummy turkey and pumpkin pie. I always decorate with leaves and candles, keeping it simple. Each year I have a surprise. It was stories from their elementary school days. Pioneer days! We just have a good laugh at their spelling, and stick figures. Don’t even ask about how adorable they look in covered wagons on a stage.
So how am I suppose to let go tomorrow after laughing, staying up late talking about the good and bad parts of life , and those long walks with skateboards leaping and bikes racing by. All the memories of sitting at the holiday table and school days have been immersed in me like a sponge.
Their friends came by for hugs and “so good to see you again.”
Milk cartons were left on the counter, empty cereal boxes were put back in the cupboard so know one had to smoosh it in the garbage, and we forgot, again, to serve the rolls and butter, so they sit on the counter, waiting!
My house is so full with smells of turkey and pumpkin, doors slamming, dishes in the sink, and the clothes clanking in the dryer. The football games on TV seemed to never have goodbyes.
Are those memories going to fill me until the next time we gather or am I going to have to find something new in me to fill the emptiness on those long dark, cold nights?
My boys are back at school. I am curled in my flannel pink PJ’s, in my bed, fighting the silence and emptiness with a blaring tv. Why can’t the flowers, dishes, towels, or full garbage cans emit laughter, shouts of “MOM” or doors slamming?
I have been here before, but it is never an easy transition when my boys go back to school My sweet house instantly is silent. A part of me says , “it hurts so much to let go. The silence of the morning that has no stretch into a joyous kid day, just feels lonely. When will this get easier? I know this is how the journey goes They come home. GREAT!!! They leave. I just have lonely, feelings for awhile.
Is it something other than lonely? Am I going to hurt without figuring out how to feel better in the silence? I just don’t like it and that sure sounds immature.
Honesty, I am not being hard on myself or unrealistic. I just am amazed at how deeply I love my kids. It is embarrassing
to cry for my children who leave. I know better in my head and my heart just wants more time together.
Two decades , the most important and satisfying job , has again been down sized to emails and cell phones.
I don’t have any memories of my parents sharing their feelings of my leaving home. Tonight my oldest boy said, “Mom, thanks. I know you will always be there for me and this break was awesome because of YOU.
Maybe those words will fill my head and heart when my house is painfully silent. I just miss that energetic, rather over the top, activity that goes on in our home when the boys come back. I can’t make that feeling on my own.
Has anyone figured it all out?
Thank you,
I was driving home from the farmer
I cried, but that
The laughs and silent moments of sorrow in feeling the letting go pain, again, touched me, tonight. We were on the
telephone support group–,teleseminar.
All of us with different histories and all of us the same
The Victorian house is so beautiful that I would live there.
Junior year moving was so much
easier than freshman move in time. My daughter is now very familiar with the routine of college days. This is her first, as I mentioned, sharing a house with her girl buddies. You could feel the freedom from the front, green porch to the
tree lined back yard, just waiting for a grill and table on the grass, where old and new friends will gather in laughter
and hugs and that good music that only those college kids seem to find!
The excitement
of first house and off campus is even bigger than we imagined. It is terrific. The girls were there and running to the
door to grab her after not seeing each other for months. My arms were full with red and yellow suitcases and an
overloaded purse of crumpled pretzel and nut bags tossed in from the plane delay and long travel, west to east.
They drew straws for who got which room and all were happy with setting up their stuff and moving
on into junior life as roomies.
We got supplies since I had the car, and we met up with the other
moms and girls for great meals and talks about summer and wishes for junior year. I felt proud and honored to be
apart of this first move in off campus.
Flying back alone is never a giggle. I am tired and in that
container of my seat with strangers. I am simply feeling the wonderment of how fast life is moving and how grateful I
am to be a mom
How many times when our kids were younger did we say,
By Anonymous Mom |
I am an empty nester who loves being a mom. I don’t love my career
anymore and now I have to figure out “What DO I WANT TO BE WHEN I GROW
UP?”
Coping with the quiet house and no fussing over meals, and soccer
games is a big hole for me. That is just part of the darkness. I was
on committees at her school and did morning car pool when she was
younger.
We watched old videos of her with Kleenex and popcorn tossed on the
floor, right before her send off to college. HOW could this go so
fast? I never thought about empty nest until she was a junior in high
school. WOULDN’T have done me any good to plan ahead. I still can’t
plan to not cry. She is my only baby and there will be no more little
girl twirling, singing old McDonald had a farm, calling my name
everyday, bounding in for a quick bite and then off to practice, no
friends dropping in for pizza or study groups, no Halloween costume
changes, no school events to see those friends I too looked forward to
hanging around with and talking about our kids….the automatic,
belonging club of MOMHOOD.
To be honest, although, I could fake it and put on the brave , oh it
is no big deal hat, I cried and cried when I drove away from her
standing on the brick steps of her freshman dorm.. She didn’t see me
sobbing . I didn’t see her blow me a kiss.
For weeks I had no energy or motivation to talk much or go out. I
did work and do my have to list, but then I hid in bed, cried and
wondered, if I should call her or wait for her to call me. I don’t want
to interfere in her new life, but gee, why doesn’t she call or email
me.
I let myself just be a slug . My exercise routine flattened .
My husband asked how I was doing and I told him I actually felt
depressed. I was so surprised at feeling lonely for her and not having
much energy or smiles. The build up of graduation, party at home, hugs
and tears, and then the excitement and anxiety of moving her into the
brick stone freshman dorm, ended and we were silenced from the emotions
and the drain of the intensity and joy.
The let down was like a gutter ball down the narrow bowling alley. “THUD”
After about two months, I began walking, just to get out of myself.
My daughter and I talked about once a week and emailed.
My husband and I saw more movies than ever in our life. We tried playing monopoly after work and then switched to scrabble.
We meandered with no “zippety-do dah” and didn’t have all the
details of life to fill up time or fill up our conversations. So we
got bored and after all this nothingness, we began to ask ourselves…NOW
WHAT?
What about us…what do we want to do with our life? That was a big question that we answered with one plan..
We decided to take turns planning something to do for the weekend.
Both of us liked taking a day drive to the beach, going for a walk,
reading there and having lunch away from the silent house. That helped
us slow down, and figure out our wish list from the inside out.
Don’t know about my job, yet, making a list of possibilities.
Looking forward to parent’s weekend and of course, not looking
forward to the pain of goodbye, again. It will be fun to see her room
and meet her new friends.
P.S. My friends thought it would be fun to remodel. absolutely
not…too much work for us. My brother-in law said take a trip to Greece
, too far away for now.
I think I will wait and see who I am and who my daughter is in her
new independent first year away. I feel this pressure that I am suppose
to dance into a new exciting romantic life with my husband and get
going with my new free time. That is not me TODAY!
GOOD LUCK to all us empty nesters.
Signed,
ANONYMOUS MOM, but available to talk to others who are in the dark of this roller coaster!
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org