Hello,
My last child is off to college. This is the worst time I have had with goodbye.
I thought practice would make it easier. No, it is so sad and exciting at the same time. I have no idea what is next for me.
The house so empty of their friends and parents. My having more free time for what, I don’t know, makes me anxious.
Did I teach them enough to be safe? Will they handle their challenges or be calling me too often?
I wish there was a group here in my town. We need each other because my friends don’t get it since their kids are still at home.
What did you do the first week to handle this change?
Thanks.
Meredith
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org
I am here to tell ya that it is survivable! You just move into a different place in life and with your kids as adult children. It took me a long time to stop missing them as babies or wanting to stop a young distressed mother and tell her to “appreciate these days” (Like she really understands!! lol.)
It is different when your last one leaves. But something happens inside of you! YOU actually realize you are somebody other than someone’s mom. And you get to know YOU again. It is very empowering!
Hang in there!
xoxo
http://dianereedwiter.wordpress.com
I have never felt so much hurt in my life. I feel so empty inside and I am not one to do for myself and have no plans to start. wouldn’t know where to start. My only child left for college and I just don’t know what to do next.
I dropped my son off at college on Monday he is approx 75 miles from home. I cried all the way home and each day this week. I look into his room and feel so sad. I am happy for him but as a single mom of 4 he being the youngest I realize how much my happiness involved spending time with him. I need to focus on the fact that he is happy and where he wants to be, he needs a happy mom to support him, not a weak dependent one. I’ll do my best, but it is sure is challenging.
My mom and I dropped my daughter off 2 wks ago, and it’s now that its hitting me hard. No one understands how I feel because they have little kids or there kids still live with them. My daughter is all I know since I was 17 yrs old. Now when I walk by her empty room I just cry, or when people at work ask me how I’m feeling I just cry. My house is dark and empty and I’m here confused not knowing what to do next. I haven’t had any motivation to go. Grocery shopping, or to clean or even to get out of bed. I don’t want to have to go through this. I just don’t know how.
I can really relate to what everyone is going through, particularly Mari. I had my daughter when I was very young and have not known any adult life without her around to care for and constantly think about . I have always been a lone parent and though my life has always been full of other interesting things, hobbies, work, friends, family etc, now she had gone (off travelling for a year) I feel utterly lost and without a structure. Its more than her that I miss , it’s that sense of having a very clear responsibility which defined my life and kept me in check in a sense. I can see that now there are so many wonderful opportunities for growth and to reclaim a new identity and life path, this has always excited me up til now, having lost my youth to single parenthood, but now it’s upon me I just don’t know how to handle it.My friends all have small children as I had my daughter so young, so though they are supportive, they are grappling with the other very real struggles of day to day parenting and wonder why I can’t appreciate the space which they so long for. I think that all these feelings expressed in this forum by all you lovely women are part of a very natural and important grieving process and that being with the feelings, not denying them but at the same time looking for new activity, friendships and purpose to fill the space is the best way forward.
Hi Mari, I read your comments, and even though I was not a young mom, I was in my 30’s when I had my sons, I can’t even remember what I did before them or what I enjoyed doing! I am married, but husband very busy with work. I know how you feel. I am not liking this change- I miss them both so much! Hang in there- I am trying too. Just wanted you to know I understand.
Katie
I have three children, the youngest is just turned 18. My daughter is 31 and has her own family, my eldest son moved out sometime ago but has lived locally until we helped him move all his belongings some 150 miles away last weekend. Now we have just attended a University open day with view to my youngest son going away next September. I feel such a huge loss from knowing that my eldest son is no longer close at hand and also from knowing that time is running out for me with my youngest son. I just want to sit and cry and not go out of the door. It is comforting and reassuring that I am not alone and that I am not overreacting to the situation. I just need to know how to handle this feeling and pick myself up and move on. I want all children to excel and enjoy their lives and know that they have to leave to do this……but I don’t want them to leave me!
My youngest is now in college. even though she’s attending college close by, she is enjoying her time their and doesn’t come home often and when she does, she doesn’t stay long. I’m happy for her, she’s enjoying college. I thought I’d feel sadness and loneliness, however I do enjoy my time. I raised my son as a single parent, at a very young age and worked while he was growing up. I was a stay at home mom with my 2 girls. I now work part time and have some time to do what I like doing, crafts, baking, etc. For all those moms & dads who feel lonely, find something you like to do and do it. The children are not gone forever, Christmas break is coming, they’ll be home soon. Have a wonderful holiday season.
I feel the exact same way Debbie. I dropped my only child off at college in August and it has been the hardest thing I have done. I stayed home with her until she started school then I worked part time while she was in school. I devoted my whole life to my daughter and now I feel so lost and alone. My husband is sad too but not to my extremem. I just don’t know how to get beyond this.
Wow! I’ve read your comments and I understand completely what everyone is feeling. This has been the most challenging part of my life. As I learn about myself as an individual I don’t like what I am seeing. I have lost the essence of me and this hurts the most. I was (am) a proud supermom that lived through my children’s successes. The oldest will be getting married soon and I have swallowed the fact that I am second girl. I think horrible thoughts constantly and I don’t know how to fix it. I live in a rural area and have lost touch with most of my friends. I feel that my dreams are no longer achievable. To be honest, I’m afraid to try. Can I really afford to fail one more time? I am quite convinced that I am clinically depressed and I feel like a fool writing this. I need a unencumbered friend very badly. It’s been 7 years since I dropped my baby off to school. (Scary just to write this). He is now living at home saving money for the European adventure. It’s very difficult not to pull the “Mom” card on him. He is a man now and no longer needs me. It’s a very different relationship. I have a “bucket” list but seem powerless to get on the horse. I have a wonderful husband who is very supportive of these doldrums. I’m unemployed and un-needed. Yes fellow empty-nesters – this is not healthy. Thank you for being a forum.
Hi,
Oh thank goodness to have found this site. You have all described how I feel. My only son went to college in September 13. This change was coming the last few years of high school in terms of my sense of loss. It was not as much about my son but the utter emptiness of not knowing where I belong anymore. I am not short on friends but I am short on inner circle informal friends. I get up to the weekends and I become deeply sad and lonely. My husband is supportive but not fully understanding. Some of it is the need to reconnect with him. I just feel so alone. I go to meditation classes, walk the dog, go out for coffee, etc. Whenever I hear what others are doing with their lives I realize we are way behind in building community that we can count on. All but one parent friend still has kids at home. I am an older mom so my old friends launched kids years ago and are way past this stage. Anyway, it is comforting to hear your stories. Reassuring that it will get better. Maybe there should be a gathering of a group of us for a weekend. Best of wishes to you. If you have any other resources, it would be helpful. I just wait for it to pass. I need a cognitive framework to think about this stage and to feel hopeful. Wish I was younger since some of my dreams are no longer possible. Thanks.
Hi,
NatalieI wish I had found this site a long time ago – thank you so much for your insight and soothing words. I was a stay at home mom for our two daughters, and also caregiver for my parents who lived with us for a total of six years (my mom died first after a year). The same year my father died, my daughter went to college only 1 1/2 hrs away. I gave her space/independence and tried not to be a helicopter mom. In return, I didn’t hear from her very much and went through a lot of guilt “should I force her to call/should I call every day/why do I feel so far away?” My younger daughter went to college 2 years later, same distance, but came home every weekend to see her boyfriend 😀 . Two years after graduating, my eldest married and moved to OR. Two years later my youngest is getting married, but staying in San Diego.In all of this my husband was laid off twice, and at one point lived in Los Angeles during the week for work, and came home on the weekends. Somewhere in the middle of all of this (guilt, loneliness, grief, etc.) I went through a period of feeling like I was in a fog – like I was Rip Van Winkle, and had been asleep for a number of years while life moved on for everyone else. Who was I? Thankfully I had work experience from before kids, volunteered a lot, and a little part time experience at church. I went back to work fulltime for benefits but lasted 1 1/2 years. I quit in January and am seeking part time work (to pay for benefits that we can now buy). I felt like I was in a fog for a long time – having my younger daughter stay in town for awhile has helped, but I still get stuck when I try to declutter their rooms. It’s still rather sad to say goodbye to those years. Thanks for listening!
So thankful to have found this page to read that others have the same struggles I am having. I was also a young mom, definitely not a perfect one, but lived my dream of being a stay-at-home mom for all of their growing up years. Now my children live too far away to visit often. What I miss most is the opportunity to be a part of their daily lives, to share little things with them. I know I am blessed to have healthy children and grandchildren, while many moms grieve for children that have passed too early. I count my blessings, but I can’t shake the loneliness and the tears that seem to get worse every year instead of better. Thank you for sharing this blog.
I too am thankful to have found this page. My youngest moved quite a while ago, but I can’t shake the lonliness and as Kate says, miss so much being a part of their everyday lives. I feel lost and depressed. I know I have to find my own way out of this, and try to look forward to the next ‘stage’ of life, but it’s not easy. Hope to be able to chat with some others who are experiencing the same feelings.