with Natalie caine

March 23, 2015 | by Natalie Caine | No Comments

As one of the Wall Street Journal Experts, Natalie’s blog was originally published at blogs.wsj.com.

NATALIE CAINE: When heading toward retirement or sitting in this stage of life, doubts and regrets inevitably visit. It can be a painful time. But it’s also the perfect time to dig deeper, to find out more about yourself – and come out happier and more content for it.

One of the most common questions I am asked by people close to retirement, or already retired, is, “why at times do I feel so off or unhappy when this is a good time in my life?”  From my experience, the answer is often this: You didn’t have the opportunity to explore what didn’t come into your life nor have you given yourself permission to grieve about what you haven’t accomplished.

A woman, for instance, shared with me that she thought she would be re-married.  Another believed her finances would be stronger than they were: She had planned so well – but didn’t see it coming that she would lose her job. She regretted that five years earlier, she had wanted to leave that company, but hadn’t.   Another talked about how strong he was during a cycle of illness, but hadn’t allowed himself to feel or talk about the financial loss because he wanted to keep positive. A couple thought they would be grandparents and that was nowhere in sight. They never imagined not being able to have those little ones spend the night and wake up for play days with granny and poppy.

All of them would sit on the surface of these pains.  Some had decided to simply push through the pain. Others talked about not crying over spilt milk.  Others expressed that so many people have it worse.

What was absent from all these people was the deeper dive into heart and tears, into the pain that was there but barely acknowledged. They wanted tools to dive deeper. Here are some of the tools that I’ve found useful. Not to dwell on the grief, but to at least acknowledge it before moving on.

Practices to Move Forward:

1.     Take a walk in nature and have a conversation with yourself, ” I forgot to…., I thought about and didn’t….I hoped by now I would have…” Pause along your walk. When you feel something from within.  Take it in.

2.     Write.  Writing integrates your thoughts and surprises you when you simply begin to write.  The act of writing takes you where you may not have been able to go by verbal conversation. “I feel badly that I never did….. I took this road and now looking again, I wish I had….. I want my younger self to know that……  I want my older than today self to see that..”

3.     Grieve.  Allow your tears to fall.  If you aren’t able to access those feelings, put on music that might induce sadness.

4.     Make the call. If there is someone on your mind, call and express the regret. Call up your courage. The anxiety is worse than the reality of the action.

5.     If there isn’t a way to call the person, visualize them, or meditate and imagine what you want to say.  Create a safe space in your imagination to express yourself.  You will feel better.

6.     Sometimes we can’t name the regret. We feel something.  Ask in whatever way you ask for help, to release what is causing you sadness, immobility at times, depression. If you know the disappointments and regrets, ask yourself for help with letting them go now.

7.     Remind yourself that life is complex and a mystery.   Certain parts of you are more available to you than others – for example, the doer vs. the playful side.   This is true for everyone.  So try a little tenderness. Invite another part of you to come forward.  Wait. Listen. Sense a response.  You may want to try this more than once in a day.

8.     Remind yourself that you do what you can to have a peaceful life and yet, life happens, unexpected changes come.  Give yourself permission to grieve what didn’t arrive or decisions you made that now you doubt.  Sometimes a blossom is not visible, but roots are growing.  Check in with how life really is for today is being able to appreciate yourself and others.

As time moves forward, your life asks for more reflection. Become an observer of your life rather than a critic.  Practice taking yourself lightly forward and keep digging in the dirt for your treasures.

Natalie Caine (@NatalieCaine) is the owner of Empty Nest Support Services and Life in Transition.