An empty nest parent called shyly tearful about her daughter leaving for college and her not knowing what life will be like in the emptiness.
When you leave the familiar to the unknown, tears fall and your inner doubter chats away in your sweet mind.
You are not alone. You are on a walk where you are invited to go within and unfold new parts of you that had to go dormant while daily parenting.
Who wouldn’t feel scared with a major life shift of roles? The parent you were is called to step back.
I wept on the airplane flying 3,000 miles back home, alone, after dropping my daughter off at college. The stewardess came over and said, “Are you alright?” I nodded, yes, propped by the window.
Of course I wasn’t alright, but didn’t want to talk. I just couldn’t believe she was in college. College, that seemed a long distance from the days of watching and hearing her change at home and share herself with me.
I felt my clock ticking. I felt that end, big end of a relationship as I knew it. I felt relief that she was in college. I had no idea what would appear in me or not appear. Curiosity and self -compassion were my best friends as well as feeling whatever whenever feelings sloppily caught me.
Long story short, I am very happy in my new role with her, the working college graduate, and with me, the woman who loves her freedom,
The photos are ones I took this week in my garden. Before being an empty nester, I didn’t even think about bouncing out of bed to see what I could capture in a photo from my garden. My digital camera and I are velcroed where my past Velcro was shared with my daughter.
Stay curious about what makes you happy.
Ask yourself what you use to do before parenting, before marriage or divorce or career. One mother remembered she loved folk dancing. She wasn’t ready to do anything but make a note.
Another mother got into planning holiday gifts just to lift her energy.
Your shift of roles is a grieving. Treat yourself as you would treat your best friend who feels a deep loss.
I wrote myself a letter about what I loved about parenting and what I wouldn’t miss. You forget there are different parts of you that hold wisdom. Connect with them, maybe through writing or walking and chatting the stories to yourself.
May you comfort yourself. There are gifts in new beginnings. No rush.
“It’s the possibility of having a dream come true
that makes life interesting.”
~ Paulo Coelho
Natalie
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
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Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
Graduations, retirement, job loss, divorce, empty nest, marriage, new career, travel, are transitions. You know where you have been.
You enter a cycle of both excitement and uncertainty about your new daily life. Beauty in the pieces means you allow yourself small steps, reflections, and openness to see beyond what is visible. You recall what you love about the life you had.
List those thoughts. Take just three minutes and write. Read it out loud to yourself. Write what you love about you. Don’t think about doing this practice, just sit and let the words come to the page.
I love the part of me that is…….and keep that writing going for three minutes. I
love that I ….. If you don’t want to write it, say it to yourself.
Make the time for you to know more about you.
– You have a hope list of what might be.
– New friendships.
– Creativity.
– Intellectual stimulation.
– New career path.
– Love.
– Increased ways to up your health.
– Explorations.
– Spiritual practices.
– Emptiness.
Change asks us to go within.
You could ask yourself,
“WHO AM I NOW?”
“WHO WAS I”
“WHAT NEW PARTS OF ME MIGHT GET SOME ATTENTION?”
“IS THERE SOMETHING I TRULY AM SAYING GOODBYE TO?”
“WHAT RESOURCES DO I NEED THAT I DON’T HAVE?”
Beauty in the pieces.
You probably guessed, when looking at the photo, that it was a rose, now fallen, blown by wind and time into single petals, no longer a group, a clan, a family, a partner and yet part of a whole.
– Still beautiful.
– Touched by water.
– Landing on stone.
– Beauty in the pieces.
May Spring open you to the beauty of your present life and the reflection of what has fallen. We simply long for reminders that parts of us are
unseen or uncertain for today.
Both carry gifts.
Mystery is exhilarating and challenging. Can you imagine feeling peaceful by allowing slow and unfamiliarity to be a good thing rather than pumping up or dashing?
Do you believe it is possible to let go, feel the air as you extend towards the solid bar swinging your way?
Transitions…leaving one cycle and leaning into a new.
Natalie
www.emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
Los Angeles, CA
Invite her to speak in your community
Call for a private consultation on the phone.
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I still look forward to a note, even though she doesn’t live at home. It will probably be an email note. Well, I hope!
Hand prints, plants, rainbows, photos and popsicle picture frames…
What gift do you remember?
Did I tell you I still, yes still, love seeing her sleep. Peace for me.
I hope my love for her brings her peace in knowing no matter what, I believe in her and want her to love and be loved, and keep hiking with me.
Love to all you dedicated Moms.
Natalie
Rancho La Puerta
Tecate, Mexico
North America’s legendary health & fitness resort; family owned destination spa that’s been changing lives for 70 years. 3,000 acres of mountains, meadows, & more.
http://www.rancholapuerta.com
Life In Transition, What’s Next? I will be presenting again at Rancho La Puerta Resort and Spa, the week of May 14th.
Please email me with any of your questions.
You arrive in San Diego and the resort will pick you up for a beautiful short ride to the resort. The staff is dedicated to service. Check out their website for activities, photos, and accommodations.
When traveling changes in your life, it helps to know who you are, aren’t and from there have the support to pull up new inner resources in order to gently step forward. No one needs to go through transitions alone.
We forget to ask ourselves more than once what we need and how we might receive that support. Five times of asking is shown in research to reveal inner answers, not once.
You are no longer where you were and yet uncertain about what is next for you. I look forward to being with you. I have lived a life of transitions. Compassion and curiosity help me everyday.
Please email me, natalie@emptynestsupport.com about the workshop.
Take care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
On the web www.emptynestsupport.com
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Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
I know it is a celebration, big celebration. I just am afraid I will cry and draw too much attention to me. Crying is OK. It is his day.
I feel so shocked that he is leaving for college, college. We all are well educated and worker bees. I love being mom and think that will change when he leaves. I had no idea I would be tearful, weepy unexpectedly. I am mom more than worker bee. What will I be when his room empties and he isn’t home for weeks and weeks. I have no idea.
All his friends, and teachers, and that life at school is closing. I sure complained about the after school games and hours of homework and of course, the driving which I won’t miss. The spontaneous talks in the kitchen and the little and big decisions about camp or going to a friend’s. Now they are his decisions.
What is mine? What in life is mine. I never thought about that before. This is the beginning of new thoughts. I hope I have a community to share with as I crawl on this new road.
Thanks for listening. His mom….
A mom called with mixed feelings. She always did mother’s day with her mom. Now she is gone. She used to complain that she never got HER DAY. Now she has it and isn’t sure what to do with it. Her children are out of the house. She wants to change being stuck about having fun.
This mom is an over-worker in order to feel satisfied. No judgment about that choice. Her sense of humor is a giggle… “too many hats I wear got crushed by the elephant in the room.”
Ready or not here she goes. Here is her plan:
1. Make a plan once a week that has no value, like exercise, even though fun, and do something pure fun. Close your eyes and ask five times, WHAT MIGHT BE FUN FOR ME? Listen and see if any images pop.
2. Write a letter to herself, DEAR….. You are a great mom because you…. You don’t miss being mom today because you don’t have to…. You don’t miss being the daughter today because….
Just quick notes, not complete sentences. Thoughts to ponder or toss.
3. Practice loving the life you have by paying attention to your life in a sweet mirror. WOW, I HAVE SUCH A GREAT LIFE BECAUSE…..
4. Honoring MOTHER … what does that mean to you in the family and in the bigger picture of life.
5. What has mothering taught you about yourself? What surprised you?
6. Down the road, what might you be doing for YOU?
Celebrate and pass it on,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818-763-0188
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Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
No pictures of this. Early this morning while watering my blooming garden of roses and rosemary budded in small tomatoes, I looked at the pattern of bamboo leaves that wind tossed in our small pool.
There in the corner, face down, was a baby possum. YUCK. I walked away. SAD. Poor mama. Poor baby.
Conscious stepped up. I got a shovel, box, and fished face down dead possum from the pool. SORRY.
What brave act did you do that surprised you?
Onward to new behaviors…..
Have a fun day,
Natalie
When you are going through transitions, do you lean into a daily practice? Here is one of mine:
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking
About growing older and moving on
Nobody wants to be told that they’re getting on
For a long, long stay
But just how long and who knows
And how and where my spirit will go
Will it soar like Jazz on a saxophone
Or evaporate on a breeze
Won’t you tell me please
That life is eternal
And love is immortal
And death is only a horizon
Life is eternal
As we move into the light
And a horizon is nothing
Save the limit of our sight
Save the limit of our sight
Here on earth I’m a lost soul
Ever trying to find my way back home
Maybe that’s why each new star is born
Expanding heaven’s room
Eternity in bloom
And will I see you up in that heaven
In all its light will I know you’re there
Will we say the things that we never dared
If wishing makes it so
Won’t you let me know
That life is eternal
And love is immortal
And death is only a horizon
Life is eternal
As we move into the light
And a horizon is nothing
Save the limit of our sight
Save the limit of our sight
Life is Eternal is a song by Carly Simon. The above are the lyrics
I use music lyrics and poetry for inspiration. I keep them by my bed and one in my wallet. What do you do or use for inspiration? My friend asked me, how do I make the time to find them, cut them out and put them where I will use them. How could I not? I have me to rely on daily and I build my pantry with essentials, like poetry and music.
Happy Spring,
Natalie
Natalie Caine
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
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Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
CHANGE REQUIRES YOU TO START. It sounds simple and yet doesn’t happen. Get out of the “why” and the “I am not that way so I can’t”, and START. That is the number one block to why change doesn’t happen. You spin in your head or you get amnesia. START. Give the person what they need and see what happens. You can change your mind and course-correct the action after you START.
Boomers, empty nesters, and college students going through transitions don’t ask for enough help.
A family spoke with me about being stuck. Who doesn’t get stuck? Their communication got more silent and their anxiety rose because of not feeling like they could ask for what they needed. Judged and having that used against them , froze them asking.
Brad told me he asked, but not much came of it.
He wanted support in feeling lonely and confused. Mom, felt worn out and didn’t realize she wasn’t hearing, THANK YOU. Their daughter only connects about twice a month since marrying. These aren’t their real names due to privacy, but I think you can relate to their pain and confusion.
What to do:
1. Keep asking for what you need when you aren’t upset. Ask how they could help you.
2. With adult children, they lead so you may have to let that go and trust the love is there when you aren’t getting the weekly connections.
3. When a window is shut, go to another one. If you can’t get the support you need from one person find other ways to get your needs met. Other friends, spiritual practices, counselors, mentors.
4. Leave notes of feelings. A couple I worked with kept a journal rather than having long discussions. They left the journal of their feelings and needs on the kitchen table and read responses that evening. Safety and style is different for each of us. This is a way to problem solve someone who isn’t as in touch with feelings or as verbal as you.
5. We haven’t been taught that once is not enough to ask for what you need whether with work or family. It is how you ask and when you ask. Keep it light and open. Empower the other to give you suggestions rather than demanding .
6. Even when you do ask more than once and don’t receive what you would like, let it go and ask another time saying how it makes you feel to not be heard or see change. Relationships are about negotiating and leaving the inner child out of the discussion and pulling up the adult who knows how to get beyond their ego and habits.
Change is not a formula even though I offer suggestions. It is a process of going within for clues and repeating that inner connection with self, which I call SELF TALK and creative conversation with self to meet other parts of you. Make the time. It is worth what you will birth as you travel uncertainties.
Take care,
Natalie
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
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Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
Invite her to speak in your community
I can’t believe my son did not come home for break. Of course, I said, sure go with your friends. I feel sad. I am in conflict with his choices and my still needing him around. That sounds so little of me.
But, I am mom, his mom. I just like his company and his friends. I have tried new activities and joined book groups to meet to new people. They aren’t family. Often, my friends complain about their family. I do too, but today, I would love that family around.
So enough complaining. I am taking myself on a Spring Fling. Packing up my car and heading down the road to bed and breakfast since other people will be there.
I have no plans but to be in a new place for a couple of days. Feels good for now. I might get lonely at night, but it will pass. I just need more time to weep and try some new things before I feel ok. Thanks for listening.
Gloria
Empty nesters and Boomers are taking time for music and to unfold.
Time to shift your role.
A couple called me to share they are not connecting well, in other words, no sex, and no conversations except the mandatory chat. Have you been in their shoes?
Each decided to plan a day in the sun. He chose a baseball game, t shirts, and hotel in their home town.
She made a picnic with Italian flavors of basil and tomatoes. Google map passed to him because he loves to drive. She included photos of them in the basket and her favorite poems to read out loud. She hopes he won’t roll his eyes or he loses the keys and walks back. Music gets them out of their routine and over active brain. Concerts at a museum are free and outside.
Unfold new parts of yourself whether single or married. Take a photo, like the cactus, that reminds you to unfold rather than criticize yourself or get stuck with perfection. Keep photos in your vision that being you beauty.
Send photos to connect with others and celebrate SPRING.
Happy Blooming,
Natalie
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
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Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
Empty nesters and Boomers have children in their pool or friend’s pool but a LIVE DUCK? Thank goodness I remembered where I put my camera. Calm, beautiful, and happy she permitted me a few shots. After all, I didn’t invite her to my pool.
Expect the unexpected whether joyous or challenging. What tool do you need to handle sudden surprises?
1. A camera if joyous.
2. You hear this over and over, TRUST YOURSELF. You don’t need to be fixed or perfect.
You know how to handle uncertainty, you just forget.
3. Get support. Ask for that help. You would be there for someone. Pick up the phone.
4. Practice being uncomfortable in the unknown. For me that means slowing down and letting go.
5. Remind yourself this situation won’t last forever. Feel your feelings whenever and wherever.
6. Remember the bigger picture of life. Write it down. Is it kindness, is it love, is it You are enough no matter what you do in life?
7. Transitions are a time of entering the unknown. Good news is there is a gift in there.
Take good care,
Natalie
Invite her to speak in your community
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
www.emptynestsupport.com
Featured in TIME MAGAZINE, NY TIMES, LIFETIME RADIO FOR WOMEN, LA TIMES, USA TODAY, WASHINGTON POST, BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS
Change is inevitable. Get Ready. Get Support. Life transitions need a hand to hold.
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org
