The mourning of the Tucson tragedy affects each of us uniquely as memories of loss and fears of loss surface. None of us knows when deep sorrow puts the brakes on our lives as we knew it. Comfort yourself, comfort others. Sit face to face with what you love. Let yourself be the playful child and jump in puddles. One of the stories that stays with me over the years of my work is a mother who said, “I watch my children play and I don’t jump in.”
What in your life might you jump into?
Take good care,
Natalie
I expected the loneliness and the clear fact that I was going to be alone, but I never expected this unreasonable feeling of fear. After my son left this past August for his freshman year, I’ve felt like my mom-sense is on steroids. I’m worried about everything. Now I can’t say worrying is new for me, but not at this level.
I’ve read a few stories that have been posted and I’m grateful to see I’m not the only one who is rambling around an empty house and feeling like an earthquake shifted my life off its axis. Right now I’m grateful to be writing this story, expressing these feelings and thoughts I’ve had for 4 months.
I’m a professional career woman who has been in charge of all decisions since my son was three, so I’m not a helpless sort. So why do I feel so helpless now? I know it’s because I’m in my retirement from my main job as Mom. I’m ok with that if I could just stop worrying like I’m still on the clock.
It’s nice to know I’m not truly alone.
JCShil
Hello,
I am ready for 2011. It must be better than last year. What I am not ready for is figuring out how to deal with so many changes. My job is too stressful and for years I say I will leave. This year I will. I think I wish someone would just ask me to come on board and that won’t really happen. I don’t like the resume updates and I do like the interviews. I think I will get to my local colleges and have a talk with someone.
If I need to go back to school, I will. I hope I get a loan.
My children are in college. They are of course all about themselves but it is their age and of course they make mistakes, it is part of growing. I just wish I had someone to brainstorm and heal my mistakes. That person would be me. Great friends but not the same as family.
My partner is more routine than I and not much of a seeker. I want to shake that up this year but it takes two. I am so hungry for change and at the same time, where do I begin so I feel productive? Winter is not my best season but no choice in that. Do you ever feel like your head has answers but your heart is sensitive and your feet are just too tired to kick it up? How do you gear up?
Thank you for listening,
Anna
I love new beginnings but Boomers and Empty Nesters have expressed to me they worry as they enter the NEW.
Worry is just one color, one sound, in a full orchestra of a self. Who hasn’t felt worried and out of control?
Let worry express and then move. “I am not going to think about that now. I am going to think about (fill in the blank). I have been thinking about…..all day and I am sick of, sick of. For some people when they express and they say, I AM NOT GOING TO THINK ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW, it shifts them.
It is like saying, STOP IT, to a needy person who can’t stop themselves.
That doesn’t work for everyone. Feeling what you feel, becoming aware of it, and reminding yourself of your values is a good thing. The value of treating yourself with KINDNESS, wins.
Feelings aren’t monsters nor are your worry thoughts the all of YOU. You forget that.
Feel what you feel and move.
Move means get up if you are sitting.
Look at what is in your eye view. Look again. I am looking at a photo, which I will add to this blog, of a sunflower in my office. Some petals are folded. I like the center green. The point of looking at something is to re-fresh, to give yourself a shift, look and say what you see.
It gets you here and not behind you or too far ahead of you. Present moment.
You aren’t your worry. It is a part of you and not the ALL of you, which you know, yet worry can be consuming, so remind yourself. “there is more to me than this worry, my need right now is to (fill in the blank). You may need to stand, sit, make a phone call, get in the car, make an appointment.
Allow yourself ten minutes a day to chat with YOU about what you love about yourself and one other person. A client practiced this and helped her.
Initially she said, “I can’t think of another person today that I love.” We decided it could be someone she doesn’t know but she admires them for what she does know of them, the persona of that person.
Over the years of working with people, I notice they focus more on what they think they need to fix and they feel out of control, they worry. The opposite of worry for you could be the practice of TRUST. Find memories when you did trust yourself and speak them to YOU.
They can be the example which might be a time when you decided not to go see a friend and instead do something just for you and how that affected you in a positive way or how you decided to say YES to something that in the past you would have said No Thanks.
Happy 2011
May it surprise you in joyous ways and open you to parts of yourself you haven’t met. Stay curious and compassionate. Comfort yourself by a warm fire in the winter breeze.
Natalie
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I am divorced so right there you know the holidays bring some tears. My parents died last year and my children are coming home for a few days. Time for new beginnings and traditions. Sometimes I get so tired of being the leader of making beauty and setting the tone at home of appreciation and holiday spirits. I can’t tell them that. They are children. I am the adult who signed up for parenting. They help out. It is not that. It is that I want to have someone else inspire me. Just a cranky day today about parenting for so long and doing the holiday seasons.
I wouldn’t want to be without it. Going out of town or to restaurants isn’t the answer. I have just come to realize I need to do more fun for me and even ask for help more often.
I turn my down feelings around whenever I think about people who lost their children or can’t see them during the holidays or even people I love who have died. It does help.
Each year I say I will do less for holidays and this year I did. House looks great. Gifts are good and food is going to smell and taste great.
Sometimes I think, well, they might not be able to come next year so gear up and just enjoy each other. That helps me shift my dragging attitude.
Thanks for letting me write to you. What do others do to cope?
Merry Seasons of Joy and Health to you,
Andrea
Boomers, empty nesters, parents, and adult children have shared with me that part of the overwhelm during holidays, is thinking you need to impress.
Key word is need. Real word is want. Ask yourself, “Do I want to do this today or is there a little holiday hammer in my head pounding me to do it all in order to hear the raves and wows of others?”
Kathryn said I could share her story.
She was having women to her home for an evening gathering of desserts, cheeses, fruits, wines and teas. They hadn’t been to her home.
Clue one…they have never been to her house, where’s Ms Martha Stewart when you need her?
Clue two…it is a work night.
Clue three….she was traveling the next morning.
Good hostess that she has always been, she moaned, searched for easy home backed desserts, and dashed to the market. She knows she is great cook, not a baker. But she is going for it, fingers crossed, that the recipe is easy and a winner.
Pumpkin bread with spices with a lemon light glaze.
Cracks eggs, beats dry ingredients, spices, organic canned pumpkin, sprays two loaf pans, stirs in chopped walnuts, and pops in the oven for an hour.
Done. Time for the slice and taste. YUCK…THIS TASTES TERRIBLE.
Plan two…dash to Trader Joe’s in hopes of buying a dessert, cutting it in a way that it looks homemade, triangle pumpkin squares and cut off the crust. Plate and surround with red grapes. Plate of chocolates. Sandwich cookies she quickly assembles: vanilla wafers, mascarpone, nutella, and orange marmalade. Plates those on a blue plate.
Lesson learned…none really. Kathryn knows herself. She will moan next time, and still try to be a baker. She might taste test the recipes earlier on her husband, although he likes everything, but mostly her.
I will write you a follow up when Kathryn calls from the morning airport to tell me if she got any wows or raves, or people politely said, “I am not hungry, just finished dinner, thanks.” Her back up for a WOW is that her home is beautiful because she puts objects and her photos, and colors together like best friends.
Thanks, Natalie
Empty Nesters, Boomers and those in life transitions, share their
traditions:
1. Read a children’s book Xmas Eve and then add it to the collection for their children when they will be parents.
2. Make candy apples while playing favorite holiday sing along songs.
3. Open one present Christmas Eve.
4. Open the stocking in bed in the morning even when the children are older than 17 or they don’t get the stocking. Cuddle time is good at any age.
5. Hike
6. Go to the movies.
7. Visit relatives.
8. Make seasoned nuts and put them in jars for gifts with the recipe .
9. Make music together using house hold utensils.
10. Soup kitchen at shelters
11. Donate books and clothes.
12. Call everyone Xmas day and sing a made up song of cheer.
13. Popcorn garlands.
14. Look at photos and family videos
15. Ginger bread houses
16. Latkes and sour cream with cinnamon and apple sauce.
17. Pictionary game.
18. Treasure hunt for each to find one present outside…bundle up.
19. Wishes list for next year and put it folded in a drawer after you read it so the world can hear you.
20. Make a toast of remembrance to those who died and aren’t at the table this year.
21. Rent videos and cook together.
22. Go to music event.
23. Ice-skating.
24. Cookie exchange party.
25. Wine tasting at a restaurant.
26. Day road trip.
27. Stop by for holiday cheer at a friend’s.
28 Eat in bed and watch a movie.
29. Parades and driving around looking at lights at night.
30. Pick one new idea for next year at this time and write it down.
Whatever you decide this year to celebrate, include the sweetness you are for others and they are for you. We forget smiles are sweet and lift the moment.
Celebrate life.
Natalie
Here I am writing to you because I think you get my new life. Holidays are hectic and energizing. Then I fall. The house gets quiet and the hole is deep with everyone gone. I have been working on not stressing. Mostly I do well. I made that decision this year when she left for college. She is getting an upper level education and time I do the same by being different when I can. I stress too much. I figured out stress is a major distraction from having to deal with people and with other parts of my life. True.
I make lists of my dreams like traveling solo to Brazil and really liking it. First I will do a road trip. Divorce messes up choices and hope. I am so strong it is silly. I just keep going after I dump my stress on myself and sometimes others. I get up and go.
Do you think it is better to figure it all out or sometimes let the hurt feelings, the confusion, just go and see what happens. Feels like a chill until I can stop the stress, de frost my obsessive thoughts, and appreciate.
It has been challenging to make new friends beyond my work life. People just have their life. I am taking Spanish. How do you meet people? Honestly, I like time with me and not always being mother, so when she leaves I do get back into my life. I just feel this loneliness. I don’t really have someone to talk to about my daughter like if I had her father around or a partner that cared for her. Good news or challenging with her, it would be better to share the concerns and joys with a partner who cares because he has always been with her.
I thank you for being here today. Will you share?
Carol
How many parents and baby boomers do you think are saying, “I AM NOT GOING to do all that shopping, cooking and having house guests next year for Thanksgiving? I am exhausted and feel unappreciated.” Well, I can tell you I received calls and emails from empty nesters and boomers with that message after drop offs at airports and kitchen counters were wiped down from the last morsel of vegan stuffing and sausage stuffing.
Don’t expect to get to the bigger picture, like that of a view from your room, until your TEARS DROP, sore back and feet stop throbbing and you release, by telling your story of this year’s Thanksgiving.
No matter how much you tell yourself FAMILY matters, FRIENDSHIPS matter, and TRADITIONS must live on, when you feel over spent and disappointed, you can’t see life with a view. You notice:
? Kids don’t clean the kitchen every time they eat.
? They drink and talk too loud.
? They never ask about your life.
? They don’t make their bed the way you would.
? Partners don’t clean enough.
? Partners don’t anticipate what is needed next.
? Parents visiting parents roll their eyes at how the grandchildren behave or don’t behave.
? Friends drop by when you want them to keep on driving since you just put all the food away.
? The hot water heater won’t crank out anymore warmth.
? Meaningful conversations get interrupted with needs.
? Thank you feels like sleep walking.
? And your pants are now too tight.
The BIGGER PICTURE is the chaos; the smells of rosemary and fireplaces, and the climbing into bed, knowing everyone got time with each other under one roof. The bigger, bigger picture is you get to change traditions after you see and feel the view, and the bigger, bigger, bigger picture is, everyone has EXPECTATIONS of happy holidays, HOPES FOR LOVE, tears of LOSSES, and the need for real connections with people who hold your history and appreciate YOU BEING PART of their life.
I can’t tell you how many people share with me that they just AREN’T THEMSELVES around holidays and family. They get quiet. They talk too much because they are nervous. They feel competitive for praise and brilliance.
They make mistakes that hurt people. They have moments of fun and laughter during game time and talking about how great the food is this year. They gossip because they don’t know what else to do. They feel unattractive and judged. Left out of conversations like when they were younger. Under appreciated because they didn’t ask for help nor were able to let go of what Thanksgiving needs to look like. Some carry tears that this could be the last holiday together or they miss loved ones who have died. I am sure you can add to this list of what is true for you during Thanksgiving without any effort. We have so many parts to ourselves like the queen, the athlete, the organizer, the brain, the chef, the philosopher, and inner voices that aren’t Grammy winning sounds and instead are needy, critical, perfectionist, or destructive. The reality of what is NOW gets stormy.
One child shared with me that he loves the family and WALKS ON EGG SHELLS when he comes home from college. He can’t get into being around authority and siblings, and yet, is excited when he first walks in the house and feels the safety of home and having no school or social responsibilities.
He said it so sweetly, ” IT IS AS IF I HAVEN’T GROWN UP at all or at least I feel that way when I come back home. I shrink and disappoint. I know they love me and I love them. It just gets messed up.”
Until next Thanksgiving, may memories remind you what matters and what doesn’t, so you can get to your bigger picture and have a room with a view.
Take good care,
Natalie
Natalie Caine M.A.
Empty Nest Support Services
(800) 446-3310 or (818) 763-0188
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Parents, Boomers, Singles, Married, and Children, have shared with me over the weeks that they all love pie and gravy. What they miss are people who aren’t around the table. All agreed tears and laughs will both show up throughout the house.
– Here is how some will celebrate:
– Pictionary game
– Football in the yard
– Everyone in the kitchen chopping and remembering to get the rolls out of the refrigerator
– Music
– Dancing like a fool
– Wine and apple cider
– A treasure hunt
– Saying what they are grateful for this year
– Hopes of tomorrow
– Movies and popcorn
– Photos where you least expect to be seen and on a camera
– Driving with books on tape
– Serving meals at shelters
– Going to the movies
– Shopping Friday
– Long walks bundled up in mittens and scarves
– Making art
– Calling loved ones with a box of Kleenex in hand
Where ever you are and no matter who you are with or without, remember the
sweet times, nurture yourself, be proud of who you are and honor that life
is a mystery held in the arms of YOU MATTER.
Each day is a new that allows you to love the life you have and keep moving forward with the hopes you dream.
Love includes loss and disappointments.
Take good care,
Natalie
I can be so philosophical about my life. I knew this cycle of children leaving was around the corner. I thought I would love the new freedom of no homework, no schedules on the refrigerator, no loud music, no late nights with fevers and coughs.
It is not just that I miss them. I miss the life I had with them. Every weekday and weekend seemed filled. Now empty. I not only feel a loss of missing their adorable remarks or tantrums of drama, I miss the whole circle they gave me.
I bet you think my whole life was my children. It wasn’t.
I love my career. I have a partner where we chose not to marry and yes to do the best at love we can. I do get away with the girlfriends. I have more than creative and spiritual time.
I don’t have that circle. The history that the circle carried through my children’s education.
I am starting over. Said goodbye to undone friendships. Relief for sure.
Meeting new people seems silly and yet it happens because I need it to happen. I thought that was during your college and career time.
At last, I thought doesn’t exist anymore. Now it is, I need to do it. Forget how I thought it would be.
I have stayed healthy all my life. Now I want ice cream and no gym time.
I don’t want to lead. I don’t want to reach for anything. No, I am not depressed. Today, I am in the wandering phase. I want to wander.
I had no idea this time of life would be like this. TV ruined how I thought it would be. Olay didn’t save my skin. Veggies didn’t keep me tall and lean. I am not fat. I am different and wandering.
It actually takes me probing myself to shop, cook, invite people over or go to their lovely home in the evenings. Weekends are easier.
Week days work and .nights are for the nothing of life. No shoulds.
Who knew I would be the wanderer? I even imagine downsizing with less house up keep. Giving up the space and fresh garden of foods.
I sort of want to not know what will be. I want to experiment like in a junior high science class. Hope I don’t blow up.
Please tell me you too have felt the wandered crawl into your skin. Haven’t you?
Thanks for listening. I still will wander and how to find another wandered on this website with me.
Leslie
Amy called to talk about the holidays and her children. She knows herself well as a mother with traditions. She doesn’t know who she is when holidays fall apart. This year, Thanksgiving, to her, is falling apart. The children cannot come home. One is going to the in laws. Her daughter is going to stay at a friend’s from college and bring her boyfriend there. Cost and time influenced her decision. Reality is, she wants to be with her boyfriend this year. He can’t afford a ticket nor can anyone pay for him. Ouch for mom and dad!.
When you get disappointed, you get to cry and grieve that traditions aren’t solid anymore. Children leave, which of course you hope for, and at the same time, you want to be with them on the holidays. You don’t like it but CHILDREN LEAD NOW. The more you give them the empowerment to make choices, the more they mature. The more you don’t demand, the more they long for you. Even those ideas aren’t solid.
So what is solid?
You make plans for yourself. You focus on your new self and role. Your motivation is to love and not limit or guilt. Be the role model you would want to see in life.
Here are some ideas to ease the pain. Pain is very real. You have to shift your role and perceptions, just when you hoped your children would be around the Thanksgiving Table. You hurt when others have their plans, their children at home, and you don’t.
1. Choose another time to share Thanksgiving meal and traditions of football or games or asking, “IS THE TURKEY DONE YET?”
2. Invite someone over for dinner and do a pot luck.
3. Serve at a community shelter.
4. Go out for Turkey dinner.
5. Tell the children it is not negotiable to not connect with them that day.
6. Lower your expectation that they will remember to call, so ask when would be a good time to call so you don’t interrupt their plans.
7. Cry when you need to cry. You don’t have to figure out the tears, just let them fall. Means you love when you cry.
8. Take a drive into nature for the day.
9. Remind yourself of all the wonderful memories you have .
10. Rent videos before Thursday.
11. Read the book you always wanted to read and shift your perception that you are “abandoned” and now, you are free to do what you want this year of Thanksgiving. Not easy for sure…baby steps
12. Light candles and bring in food.
13. Play uplifting music.
14. Ask yourself if you really love the holiday or the tradition of gathering? Do you think you did it for years for the children and have a part of you that is released from the TO DO LIST?
15. Volunteer, if you have the energy, reading to children, food pantry, soup kitchen, drop off food for FIREMAN.
16. Ask for photos of their day that they can email to you when they get a chance.
17. Share a recipe with them a week before. Send it by email It doesn’t matter if they use it, it matters that you did something you wanted to do.
18. Remember the humor from past holidays when you forgot to serve the rolls that you left in the refrigerator. You forgot to turn on the oven. No one picked up the pies. You had five apple pies from pot luck and no green beans.
19. Send a tin of cookies if you love baking.
20. Be gentle with yourself. Change happens even if you don’t choose it.
May the holidays open you to remembering the good of your life and the tears that heal.
Natalie
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org