Oh, the challenge list: being wait listed for college, twitching finances to attend college, children not coming home for Mother’s Day, mother’s who aren’t with us anymore, children moving back home, juggling bills, planning for retirement, caring for the ill, helping your children who learn differently. Are you sad now?
Sorry, for that list which you already know. But do you know if you are a planner for emergencies or an “I will deal with it as it comes” kind of person. Only you know what an emergency for your life is and how you deal.
I am both a planner through brainstorming and getting advice, as well as, one who trusts I will be able to deal with what comes my way. I can’t plan for everything. I can develop resources and inner strengths, (one strength is I know how to talk to myself with a nurturing tone and comfort words just like I would talk with a friend who needs TLC).
I keep my PERSPECTIVE in check, for example, by reminding myself this won’t be for the rest of my life. I ask for HELP which I learned to do during a critical illness I lived. I VOLUNTEER. I know that sounds crazy when you are stressed and still research shows an hour of volunteering ignites your happiness, just don’t drive far.
When aren’t we dealing with changes? We need to PARTNER with each other by LISTENING, keeping hope alive through GRATITUDE which you hear all the time. It works. ASSESSING once a week, not daily, and keeping FUN ALIVE. Parents tell me when stress is high, fun flies out the window. Go grab it!
Fun ignites happiness. Happiness feeds peace. Play MUSIC everyday. Make a list of WHAT IS FUN for you. Walk away from what DRAINS YOU, not forever, but for a break. You need a LIST or you won’t think you have CHOICES. Post your list with a website forum online, friends, partner, and siblings. GET FEEDBACK.
Let’s be in this together and review, re dream, re-build, re-ask, WHAT REALLY MATTERS? Fun is a requirement for living satisfied.
Let us know what fun times you are making happen by posting them here or asking for others to give you ideas right here in the comments. PS. Sunday I went on a short walking tour of an open house of gardens. Amazing beauty, simple, and inspiring people!
Your turn to post a comment.
Have some fun,
Natalie
800 446 3310 office toll free
Los Angeles 818 763 0188
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
“If a child is to keep alive his inborn sense of wonder, he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement and mystery of the world we live in.”
– Rachel Carson
When you read that quotation you saw it was a message for keeping wonder alive in our children. Yes, you figured it out. It is true for all adults too, that we need at least one adult to speak with, to show us some avenues to walk, and to inspire us from the rut. Who do you think of when it comes to one adult for support? If no is around, where can you get support?
BE REALISTIC and NOT A CRITIC – You will have days of momentum and stagnation. Open to new perceptions of your situation and keep expectations grounded. If you are like me, we like a straight line so we know what to do when it is something we haven’t done and yet we like to follow our own rhythm. We want immediate gratification and we know that doesn’t usually happen unless it is eating rich chocolate.
My point is the word AND….both voices in our heads are active. This is true and so is this. When you are looking at a situation and checking out your expectations keep going by saying something like, yes this is true that I am bored and it is true that I need help and I think about my children rather than myself because it is an easy habit and I don’t know what to think about in regards to myself….You get the idea.
GET OFF THE HAMSTER WHEEL – Round and round is dizzy making and I don’t know about you, but even as a child that didn’t feel good to me.
Stop the chatter in your head. Move or call someone, read or do art, go the bookstore or on a hike. Gear up to stop spinning by saying, ENOUGH to that voice in your head that tells you the same excuses why you can’t…not enough time, tired, can’t figure it out, nothing works, etc. and just do something to shift the hamster off the wheel. It doesn’t matter what you choose, just choose and do.
ASSESS how you are doing BY THE WEEK and NOT THE DAY. First write what you want to do by next Sunday, example, meet with an old friend, call a colleague, join a hike in the community, go to one astronomy show, research in the library one thing you love to do.
Notice how you feel that you picked one thing, wrote it down and did it or didn’t do it in the week. You are to be compassionate with what you notice about you and that week. NO CRITIC or change gets gobbled with little nourishment.
MAKE A CALL – I get in the habit of not asking for help when I am at a beginning project. If you do too, shift that and make a call for help.
Getting help at any stage of your journey will for sure uplift you and head you into what is true for you and what isn’t which are two inner voices you need to make changes.
Let me know how you are doing.
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
818 763-0188 Los Angeles office
Whether expected or unexpected, change is a call to action and you don’t need to journey alone.
For six years I have been speaking with parents across the country about the challenges of being an empty nester, including the revolving door.
I know we get sick of the word change and still that is inevitable. Books, articles, media, all say just do it, get on board for change now.
Parents are asked to change their roles with their children. It is a major life transition:
1. Dealing with health issues
2. Care taking parents
3. Re-entering the work world
4. Questioning all your relationships
5. Memories of past losses
6. Longevity
7. Finding passion
8. Finding meaning
9. A community of like minded people.
What matters across the board is having an ongoing healthy adult relationship with their children and finding new meaning in life. Old habits shed slowly. Finding new passion, staying healthy, making new friendships, and practicing some form of spiritual connection is a trial and error process.
Key in change is to remind yourself, YOU GET TO CHANGE YOUR MIND. You earned the right. A fear arises that IT will be the wrong choice or you are trapped. Not true.
– Little steps stick more confidence to you than big leaps.
– Make a list of compliments you have heard people say about you over the years.
– Make a new list of what you could do all day long.
– Make another list of what you know you are good at doing even if you don’t love it.
– Reach back in your memories by getting quiet to what you loved doing before children.
– Read your list out loud with no one in the room but you and notice what on the list gets your attention. Write that down or circle it.
I found my dormant writer from third grade after my daughter left for college. I can write the rest of my life so that is vibrant and meaningful for me. Choosing something doesn’t mean it has to be for the rest of your life. Choose for now.
I forgot about my younger self and the stories she wrote in third grade until I quietly walked, sat outside and in with closed eyes, breathing from my belly. I heard my teacher say, “Natalie, you could be a writer if you want to. Your stories are really funny and interesting.”
I did some preparation for the empty nest and in reality it didn’t become real until after the BIG HUG goodbye at the dorm. I flew three thousand miles, alone, back home. Alone is a common feeling, mostly seeded from the sense that you are alone with this feeling because you are unique in what it feels like for you, not meaning you are alone and there is no support.
I have heard thousands of stories and actually each is different and all connected. Parents want to continue being a positive role model, let go, and begin gently to focus on themselves by getting nurtured and unfolding what nurtures and lifts them.
In our workshops and circles we can’t talk about those ideas enough. It is an eerie feeling, disorienting at times, since you have no school schedule on the refrigerator nor do you have a child calling out to you from their bedroom.
What are you struggling with in this new cycle of life?
What fun has surprised you?
I know we do better with a hand to hold.
Email me, natalie@emptynestsupport.com
– Visit my website that includes a free message forum of wonderful parents, stories, blogs, articles, and more. www.emptynestsupport.com
– Look under EVENTS and join us at the October Retreat and Spa
– Call for a private telephone consultation
– Invite me to come speak in your community.
Empty Nest Support Services helps parents make changes to build a life beyond parenting. Once a parent, always a parent, but change happens. Changes that include new roles with your children, new meaning at this stage of life, and building a new community of like people.
Happy Times outside in the burst of Spring,
Natalie
800 446 3310
As Oprah said on Earth Day, there is nothing more satisfying then going into your garden and pulling up the vegetables you grew. I might not have exactly how she said it, but I do have the fun of growing organic tomatoes, lettuces, peas, beans, chilies, basil, eggplant, arugula, and more.
Pick them from your garden, put them in your basket, share and munch. My neighbor and her two boys, five and seven, picked some lettuce today and loved the smell of basil. They asked me, “where is the tomato?” I showed them the flower on the plant that will turn into a tomato and the picture of the tomato growing that is on the seed package that marks the tomato plant. They are coming back for more and that is exactly what I wanted …share and teach.
So let’s start a list here of what you are growing in your garden. If you have recipes of what you cook from your basket of real food, add that for us to try.
Growing my own vegetables has been a top freedom and joy in being an empty nester.
I am looking forward to having this ongoing list of growing your own food all year round. So mark your calendar to check in here on the blog and get updated with healthy eating. I am on TWITTER and LINKED IN if you want to meet there as well. I love building communities.
So email me natalie@emptynestsupport.com
What are you growing and planning on growing for summer? We can share resources and tips. I will put them together for everyone and post them on this blog as I receive them.
You can post here under comments or post for free on the active message board anytime and join questions and conversations with other parents.
Change requires inspiration and support so email me natalie@emptynestsupport.com or post on this website, whatever is easiest for you.
Happy Health and Satisfaction,
Natalie
800 446 3310
818 763 0188 Los Angeles
Fax 818 763 1743
Change can be positive and fun.
I am no expert when it comes to saving the earth. Since I have become an empty nester, I have gone beyond recycling bins at home and buying products that don’t pollute or drain the energy of the earth.
I finally had the time to live one of my dreams. I have a small home and yard. As you know, I live in sunny Los Angeles.
My dream was to start over in my yard. I ripped out brown grass and learned how to build an organic garden. I actually have tomato plants from seeds I started in my garage without the heating pad and lights. They are now in my soil and about hip high.
I am a mom, and at this season, a mom, full time to plants I seeded. I am excited to wake up, grab a sweat shirt and open the doors to see how my little seedlings are each day. Yes, I talk to them and they to me. I mean they let me know what they need and I am happy to respond.
So for now, that is my happiest contribution for loving and respecting Mother Earth. Today I will plant new seeds in honor of Mother Earth…basil and spinach.
Do you like gardening? Do you have ways you are changing how you appreciate and preserve Mother Earth? I need to learn more, so pass it on by commenting here or sending me an email, natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Hope you have time to enjoy the beauty today.
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800 446 3310 California time
Change is inevitable. Get ready. Get support.
OK, I will start with what I hear no one wants to talk about. Is this true for you?
“I want to do fun and new things, but I hate the driving at night. That makes me feel so old to say it. I sound fearful and lazy and that is not who I am.”
Not only do I hear this from empty nesters, but I too dread the night 405 freeway in traffic. When I really want to attend a fun event I actually have to cheer myself on to just do it. I try to beat the traffic and still I will have to do the night drive back. Truth is, I make it out to be worse than I imagine because of times it has been slow on the freeway and I am tired.
I won’t ever like night driving. I won’t want to sit home because I don’t like the drive. I go to the end result of sitting at home and the result of that feeling of fun and you got it, fun wins. So you know this. What you might not have none is you aren’t alone in hating night driving and it doesn’t mean you are getting old. It means you don’t like night driving. You will do it sometimes, anyhow. Actually realizing I don’t like driving an hour helped me decide to not volunteer if the drive is that far and they need me six hours a week. I found something closer to home even though at first, I really wanted to volunteer at that hospital with parents whose children were in the hospital for long stays.
So what don’t you want to talk about that you don’t like doing? Oh, I can add another…going to the dentist and still I go, but no longer every six months. I mean I really hate it so I take my IPOD and again cheer myself on by saying something like, just get it over with and then you can stop at the bookstore on the way back for a treat. Yes, at any age, I respond to treats.
What don’t you want to say that you don’t like doing? Post it here and brave up or email me, natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Take care,
Natalie
800 446 3310
818 763 0188 Los Angeles
Visit me on Twitter, Linked In, Facebook
Mothers have been emailing sharing their trial and error adventures of changing.
I thought you would love to see a list:
– Photoshop
– Building websites for family and friend
– Life coaching
– Cooking school
– Mentoring at libraries
– Volunteering at Food Banks
– Hiking with a group once a month
– Going green at home
– Gardening sharing of seeds and vegetables
– Day trips in their city including open house tours, cheese and wine tasting, gardens, art lofts
– Learning to bicycle
– Back to school for art, business, pet supplies, eco living, leadership, writing, sewing
– Travel with groups
– Cleaning out the clutter and making a sacred home space for meditation and yoga at home
– Switching to vegetarian life style
– Neighborhood babysitting and theater classes
– Photography /digital and hanging photos at home and in cafes
– Learning the social media tools and joining
– Party planner
– Researching ways to stay healthy and getting a buddy to encourage them
– Make overs with a friend including not coloring their hair anymore
– Camping with their partners
– Kayaking
– Golf lessons
– Blogging to boost their new business on websites
– Babysitting
– Taking CPR classes
– Decorating classes
– Woodwork
– Power tool classes for home repairs
– Acupuncture school and herbs
– Meditation classes once a month
– Chanting on the full moon
– Joining choirs on Sunday
So the list goes for today.
Add what you have tried and even left.
I left a book group because I discovered I needed something to get me moving and not sitting. I went back to yoga and yes it really hurt since I had been away for awhile. Now it feels fantastic. I have to push myself to get to class at night when I would rather do nothing.
Maybe I will try a swim class when it gets warmer, or not.
So post your trial and error reinventions or email me, natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800 446 3310
818 763 0188 local Los Angeles number
Change happens. No one needs to go through it alone. I am passionate about helping people make steps and strides when they are called to change.
First let me say how wonderful it is to speak with people who say what they want to say and let themselves ask for help.
I was walking with a woman who was talking about her children each living in different cities. She thought she got that the holidays would be hard and treated herself to a manicure and flowers. She sent each plastic eggs with treats inside. I loved when she said, “I don’t care how old they are, I am mom and I do holidays.”
By the way, she also told me it was OK to not say her name and yes share parts of her story.
She planned lunch and dinner with a friend. Still she was surprised her tears fell. Good plans and good feelings. What she forgot to plan for is tears. They happen. They will continue to happen. You have had the holidays together for decades and it is even more challenging when you lose that and are divorced.
We can’t plan for tears to not fall. We can have one person as a lifeline when we need the comfort of chatting and being heard.
Not feeling stupid, wrong, crazy, out of control, or the shoulds of where we could be, is what one person, even a stranger could offer us. They can validate that your feelings are feelings and real for you.
Our time was planned but I want to pass to you that it is possible to reach for one person and it is just the right time that they can be there for you. It is also possible that everyone is busy and you are with you, crying. It really hurts and feels so lonely. I do promise it won’t last forever. Sometimes we are left with no choices in this change of letting go. I mean you would rather have someone to be with perhaps after days of loneliness and feeling down and still the reality is no one is available when you are hurting.
It has happened to me more than once and I imagine to you as well.
Think back how you comforted yourself and how you got through it. Maybe it added something to your inner resources as the tidal wave calmed. What do you think got added to you?
This is a silly example but it just happened. I am writing to you and my needy sweet cat wanted me. She is supposed to want love so I edit the word, needy. What she likes to do is sit right next to my computer and push my fingers off the keyboard. I do my thing of saying stop it, not now, I want to finish this. Later I can pet you. She keeps pushing my fingers off track. Duh, I get it. She wants what she wants and I want what I want. She is an animal. Doesn’t negotiate nor speak my language. I lift her off the table away from the computer.
Problem solved. My years ago self, would have found a way for her to sit on my lap or I would stop and play roll the pencil with her. SOUNDS LIKE PARENTING doesn’t it. We stop to give to them. We are used to being the care takers and givers. We need to focus back on our needs and self care and that takes reminders.
I think the grieving and other losses built new resources in me. That is for another story. How about you? What are you noticing that is positive about these changes you are living? Comment here or send me an email
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Take good care,
Natalie
800 446 3310
Los Angeles, Ca
www.emptynestsupport.com
Change happens and you don’t need to go through it alone
Here is my short list of treats:
1. Any time in my garden, topped with seeing a growth spurt from my tomatoes or orange poppies from seeds I planted.
2. Coral, I know that color isn’t IN but it is with me for lipstick and Red.
3. Not chocolate, yes bread and cheese
4. Red wine
5. Newspapers from other cities
6. New music
7. Sitting outside in the evening watching the birds and sipping decaf Earl Grey Tea
8. Chatting on the phone with a friend
9. Comfy, warm socks
I said short so that’s it for now. How about you? What is on your short list of treats during these challenging times?
Take care,
Natalie
*Invite me to come speak in your community
*Call for a private consultation
*Visit our website and look at EVENTS. *Come join us in October for a retreat and spa get away for empty nesters
*Empty Nest Support Services helps parents make changes that will build healthy relationships with their children, find meaning now, and make new connections.
www.emptynestsupport.com
800 446 3310 toll free
818 763- 0188 local, Los Angeles
818 763 1743 Fax
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Hello,
I am new to being an empty nester and talking to strangers. I like the talking and connecting here on the website, but I hate the crying. It isn’t really me.
My son didn’t come home for Spring Break. He is a freshman and off with his new friends. I get it. I don’t like it. Just this first year, I want the changes to be less. My dad died so that was painful and now I am not the same mom I was since my son doesn’t need me in the same ways. I knew that would come. I even thought about it when I separated from him in Kindergarten.
I always worked, but knew my favorite job was being his mom. The games, the story times, his friends over, the school events, seeing the familiar parents, the family holidays together and birthdays all were part of the fun. Sure there was the drama and being treated lousy by him at times but that didn’t over shadow the deep connection.
I will have the connection forever, I hope. I am just weepy this weekend for the traditions of Spring holiday together and then Easter. I will come up with new ideas for sure.
I joined a book club. Honestly some of the women I like and some are boring. I can’t believe I said that, but lately things are falling out of me that didn’t use to come to the surface. My best friend said that is the wisdom of aging. I like it. I don’t like my middle fat but I do like my face.
I am just wondering how other mothers are coping. Thank goodness I found this real website of empty nesters. My mom doesn’t even remember much about when I left the nest. Must be denial, don’t you think?
Thank you for being here as a place to be heard and supported.
Kim
I will cut right to the chase today.
1. FOCUS ON YOURSELF
2. GET REAL ABOUT YOUR EXPECTATIONS
3. STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS
Do you need to call me on the telephone?
800 446 3310, California time, Los Angeles.
OK, lecture over, and you can have a refund if you didn’t get anything from it.
If you did get something from the reminders, than we are of the same community. I know how challenging it is to make changes. I have had to change one too many times in my life, whether I asked for it or not.
Leave your ideas and comments here or email me, natalie@emptynestsupport.com
– Visit our website and look at EVENTS to join our retreat and spa gathering in October. Hope to see you there.
– I would love to come speak in your community, call, 800 446 3310 Los Angeles time.
– Call for a private telephone consultation
Happy outside Spring time,
Natalie
Empty Nest Support Services helps parents build healthy adult relationships with their children, find new meaning, and make connections with others.
Parents are calling me with good news and bad news. Yes, their children are getting those acceptance emails to college and yes, this means they are really leaving in the summer.
Easter and Passover are around the corner. Traditions are being reinvented.
Change is inevitable. How well have you done with changes in your past? What seems to work for you and what collapses you?
I need to pace myself and get out of my chattering head. Confession time… I have actually been one of those young women that stuffs Kleenex up my sleeve like grandma did so that I won’t be caught in the ugly cry without a wipe.
Get to know who you are and aren’t when it comes to changes. Do you busy yourself all day and then clean at night after dinner? Do you need a walk in nature? Do you flip the channels and eat cereal in bed? Do you like sorting what’s in your head that is causing you anxiety by writing or chatting with a friend? You might do a combination of activities to move through change.
My favorite thing these days is to get out into my garden of planted cucumbers, tomatoes, basil and rosemary and watch them grow. I love that element of surprise when I see what was once a tiny seed of a plant that I planted, pop into a growth spurt.
In the evening, before seven, I go in the little garden, again, to hear and watch the finches gather their night snack. My neighbor said I look like a robber with my ski cap on but, what can I say, I don’t like to be cold and I do like being in the garden.
Start to notice what lifts you and what brings you down. A mother told me during our telephone consultation that the chatter was getting so loud in her head that she needed ear muffs. Strategy was for her to say to herself, enough already, stop talking to me. I’m leaving. She needed to say stop and to move. It worked for her because it cut the perseveration of chatter. The movement of going outside helped her focus on what was right in front of her and not behind or ahead of her. She gets more present when she moves.
Email me or post a comment here of what helps you shift when anxiety or sorrow becomes too overwhelming.
Take care,
Natalie
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
Toll free number 800-446-3310
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org