These are the weeks of planning and attending high school and college commencements. I remember using red bandanas stuffed in my purse rather than Kleenex. I needed a sure thing. No messy, embarrassing nose drips for me. Well, I can
Talking with parents across the country, working or not, married or single, all say it is a relief to know their feelings are normal.
The fear of their children leaving spins parents into worry about safety, friendships, money, happiness, inclusion, loneliness, but mostly, into the reality that the role parents love living is coming to a drastic change. The grieving journey and opening to new parts of self begins for all parents, but uniquely for each.
Parents are entering the unknown without a timeline of relief and their children are leaping into more independence without the safety of their parents in the next room.
This time of year, more and more children are getting rejection letters from the colleges they wanted. I love the idea that some high schools are allowing them to bravely post the rejection letters at school in order to belong to a group that shows all of them are dealing with the embarrassment, as they call it, and the reality that college is more competitive now. That it is,
Hi there,
I hope spring is in the air and with it seeds of new ways of being. Parents have been calling and asking about tips for graduation and crying that it is almost here… change. Most of them have said they are so busy that tears still fall with the last events of school days, but they want to make graduation day fun. Oh the art of enjoying and being present, packed with Kleenex.
So, I thought we would share here what helped in the celebration and the falling of tears. I think a reminder is….this is their day so ask what ideas they have and offer ones you have been thinking about. Everyone is so busy and emotional for good reason that the ones, who can offer suggestions, have a chance to take that lead.
One of my favorite high school graduation things was to put things in every room that were part of my daughter’s life…soccer uniform, red and white skirt that she had to wear everyday in pre school, art she made, photos, letter to the tooth fairy begging her to leave something but not take her tooth, framed collage saying from here to there with photos at different ages of her life and with the people she loves. I had pamphlets and photos of the college she was heading towards so people had an image of her new life.
College graduation, I didn’t ask her, but took a risk that it would be ok if I gave everyone from the family her favorite song on a CD and played it at the restaurant, since the restaurant is a place she worked and they loved surprising her. It was called.
Let yourself be silently drawn towards the stronger pull of what you really love.”
-Rumi
This is another one of my favorite quotes. When we let ourselves be quiet, close our eyes, and fall into a restful place, we have a chance to hear other parts of ourselves that really matter in our wholeness.
It can be awkward or feel like nothing is happening, but I think part of this transition is the stillness and the gifts that emerge from that place. It is so common and natural that we don’t know what we want to do next..that is why I like the word …unfold…Some thrive better with doing and that is fine. It is fun and enlivening.
There is also time for stillness, which after full time parenting definitely takes time and practice to develop.
Well, I just wanted to pass this onto all of our community who are so bravely beginning again no matter if your children just left or it has been years. Change is a journey and I am wishing all of us the courage and joy in taking steps outside of our comfort zone.
I love writing and as you know that didn’t re-emerge for me until my daughter left for college. I have been blessed to make new friends with this new love I have. I told my mother today that she formed a community playing bridge and mine, in part, has been in writing. She is almost 88 and still smiles when she has the good health to sit at a bridge table. We laughed about homework as a writer and she said, I could never do homework again. I just love it when my mom laughs. I bet our children love it when we laugh. Anyhow, I hope all of you are heading into springing forward with hope and fun ideas.
Take care, Natalie
So let’s share what we love even if it is a romantic book, a wine, a yummy meal, a movie, a recipe, etc.
Parents are cleaning, marketing, fluffing up the bedroom pillows and yakking on the phone with friends about how excited they are that their children will be home this week.
What has been sleeping is awakened with the joy of having children back home.
You hope the plane isn
by Anonymous | submitted on February 27, 2008
Suffering in my empty nest, is it optional to not suffer?
I want to come up with a solution for missing my children. I always come up with solutions.
The data is this:
Woman in my fifties
Married for decades
Two girls
Two dogs
Career in teaching
Friends and extended family
Healthy and active
Extrovert and explorer
Still I suffer. I didn’t know it would be this lonely with my girls off to college and I feel guilty for missing them so much. I am an adult who should handle children leaving home. I raised them to be independent. I am proud of me and of them.
I overeat. I check emails way too often to see if the girls have told me anything about their day. I teach the little ones and then come home or try not to come home because I don’t want to cry. Ridiculous to fear coming home because I might cry!
My husband works late so alone I sit in the den wanting to just talk to my girls. I don’t go in their bedroom. I call a friend but still I feel empty at times.
I sound so small but my heart is sad to not be around my children. I think part of it is that was my life everyday and now what?
Is it like retiring? I wouldn’t know since I am far from retiring. I think it is more like kissing someone goodbye who you really love and won’t be seeing because they live far away.
I am so good at doing things but not so good at being without something to do. I have more free time but I don’t have what fills my heart. Will I find that in something outside of mothering?
My husband misses the girls, too, but not as I do. He and I are good but it is more about the changes I am feeling with the girls not being at home.
Changes. Day at a time, I know, but it isn’t enough to know that change takes time. I don’t want to suffer. Life is short. I want to get on with it.
Thanks for listening.
Parents have many good memories and when the house is more silent they emerge. I think we need to acknowledge what we love about our role and have self compassion for our new path.
I just can
This month I have heard parents share that transitions are sorrowful. Some kids have just started college in January and others have returned. Parents experience mixed feelings of missing their children and wanting to stay in touch more often to the feelings of relief, having no interruptions and getting back into their own space and routine.
Parents feel loneliness and worry at first. Change isn
by Kathleen H. Walters, M.A. | submitted on January 1, 2008
Hi – I have a “story” of sorts (the story is not over yet…):
Last year, my son went off to college – I cried as we left him outside the dorm of American University in DC. He seemed so alone standing there, waving at us as we piled back into our SUV. His sister, Nina, would join him next year, when she went off to college too! But, I wasn’t thinking of that yet – I had to deal with the first born going off into the world, leaving me bereft. We are very close and I was very involved in his life – I coached his soccer team in grade school; joined the kids when they went to karate, earning my own brown belt and becoming their warm up instructor; with my husband and others in the community, we started a Jewish group where we ran a Hebrew school – I taught classes every Sunday for 5 years until he became a Bar Mitzvah; joined the Booster Club at his school, running the food stand and giving out hotdogs and hot cocoa to him and his friends after a game; guiding his academic career, making sure he joined worthwhile and interesting community groups where he excelled: Civil Air Patrol, Hawk Mountain Survival Camp, trips to Italy and Costa Rica, and driving him every day for a month to his EMT class during his junior year (and waiting with bated breath every time he went on a call with his emergency lights flashing). He was my life for 19 years – he and his sister pulled the best from me in every way possible and I was a better mother to them than my own in every way that counted. Then, he was gone.
At first, it didn’t seem much different, life without my son – it felt like an extended trip during the summer, or an encampment at the Air Force Base. But, slowly, the time went on and there was no laundry to do and talks over the day except by phone (he called every night to say hello and “I love you.”). Then, my husband and daughter sat me down and gently told me “Mom, do you realize that you have stopped cooking dinner every since Matthew left for college?” I said, no that cannot be! But, it was true, I thought I was “fine” until I realized I couldn’t bare sitting at the table every night with his place empty. I finally got it together and staring cooking meals for the daughter who remained and of course, for my wonderful husband. I enjoyed the little time I had left with my precious girl, who is just an amazing person, kind and sweet. Then, it was her turn.
Well, they are both off to school and we enjoy their return for winter break, Passover and spring break – the summers are wonderful until my son announced he wanted to live in DC during these months – again I had to struggle “giving him up” again – but slowly I realized he had to follow his dreams and his life. Now, I support him and my daughter’s independence and feel so proud of them both. They really do excel at life and have great friends and experiences. I taught them to be free and independent and now I must accept my teachings as they life out their young lives.
These transitions are important and give depth to one’s life – my husband and I are getting more time together and easing into a relaxed and more simple life – I am starting to explore all the opportunities we can now share – without the kids. It is a new chapter in our life and in our family – yes, it is sad if you try to hold on to the past, but glorious if you can embrace the movement and let the “flow” take you along its currents.
Kathleen H. Walters, M.A.
Empty Nesters are:
? Taking piano lessons
? Traveling using miles
? Joining book clubs
? Finding exercise buddies
? Saying hello and smiling more in order to meet new people
? Asking for help
? Simplifying daily life by quieting the critic and pusher
? Getting organized
? Saving money
? Hosting wine and cheese parties
? Going green
? Mentoring children
? Exploring organizations to volunteer
? Using their library
? Sharing garden space
? Drawing at a museum
? Taking tours of their city
? Going back to school
? Taking art classes
? Becoming docents
? Moving-relocating
? Taking acting and singing classes
? Dancing for exercise
? Starting groups for knitting, writing, scrap booking, decorating, water coloring, building furniture, cooking
? Reading to children
? Traveling with groups
? Using a trainer
? Taking meditation classes
? Using a spiritual practice every day
? Journaling
? Making sacred altars
? Taking computer classes and Photoshop
? Starting home businesses
? Acknowledging their courage and compassion
? Saying no without feeling guilty
? Comparing themselves to others less often
? Pausing before emailing or calling their children
? Making new traditions and rituals
? Focusing on themselves rather than their children
I know from the many emails and calls I received of appreciation, challenge, and hope that women are ready for 2008.
Dreams are Motivations…so I wish you time to go inward and see what dreams are heard or seen. Write them down. Just Dare the World to Give You some Options and See what Happens.
Yes, I know be careful what you dream for and I know it simply feels great to ask for help, set some intentions of how you want to be Feeling in 2008…what do you want to see over the mountain…what do you need this year? What will you practice Dropping and Adding to your life?
I am so grateful for all of you who have the Courage to feel the Loving moments and the Painful ones
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org