Cranky and then cranked up.
A mother said I could share that with you as she shared it with me in a telephone session.
For weeks she was, of course, sad when her daughter left for college. She expected all the grieving feelings, but didn
by Carly | submitted on June 6, 2008
My son just graduated high school and we just cried…then danced.
My whole family is excited about his going to college. I have been busy with check lists and tears of the things coming to end at his high school.
I feel older. I mean really older and I wasn’t expecting that. I don’t feel old on the inside, but I do on my driver’s license and my waistline. It’s ok and it’s now.
His empty room in August begins a shift in my daily schedule and evening meals. I could list what I look forward to but it is so trite.
What I don’t like is that I have no young boy at home who lifts the house with just who he is and friends. A quiet house, my husband and I need to fill. No one can fill the mothering I loved with it’s simple days of homework, school games, BBQ’s, splashing with his floppy fins, birthday parties in October with pumpkins, bed time stories, shopping for a sports jacket and converse shoes.
I am not embarrassed with this melancholy. I am afraid of missing him and not being able to do anything about that missing.
Sure we had our fights, but when the time is nearing that he is leaving, I am not latching onto those memories. Yes, I hate the clean up and late driving car pool from his parties and the arguments about lights, and noise, and empty juice cartons in the refrig and not taking out the trash.
I hate all the rushing around and my, more than not, feeling tired. I work, but that isn’t really where the tired comes from. I do look forward to free time, but will it really feel free or will I be missing him too much to enjoy? Have I been too filled with his life? Is it a normal filling when you love your kids?
Will I know what I want to do besides for sleep more, cook less, clean less, workout more, have my friends over for adult dinners and go to concerts with my husband, travel? You know all the things you think you will do if you only had free time and oh more money.
I don’t know. I just am sad today and last week and probably next week because my little boy is going on without mommy driving him or picking him up. I am sad today that I won’t hear him playing the guitar, hand me the ranch salad dressing at our kitchen table or peek in his poster room and see him sleeping.
I won’t see him out my window for a long time. When I do see him, will he look different and be different? I know he will be back, but the whole family will be different. We all have to go with the changes. I don’t do very well with change.
Thanks for listening,
Carly
Over and over I am reminded that what gets us through painful times is a friend.
We know that, but when we are hurting we isolate. We don
by Brenda | submitted on May 12, 2008
My children were like my customers. I would work for them until I drop. No, not, a martyr, just a passion. I researched about parenting in every stage, even teen age and college stage, but there wasn’t much about empty nest that I didn’t already know. “It will take time and you have to let go.”
Successfully, I raised two children. Working for them meant I would rock them, feed them, make them laugh, talk and talk so they could learn to talk and listen and listen, so they would feel free to be themselves.
Now I have to do whatever it takes to not email, call, or text them too much. I have to change my day and night job as a mother whose children are coming home after practice or a school trip, or a party.
One is just married and the other is in college. All good times, but I have such non-productive time. I am not used to that. I was a working mom but work isn’t enough for me.
So I realized, I can’t get every joy from my children, work, partner, or friends. I have to be OK with boredom and uncertainty.
What bugs me is time is clicking. Aging trips me up saying I should be finding more satisfaction.
Honestly, I am surprised that the dissatisfaction is not that my children aren’t around as much, but that I don’t know what to do with the free time that I always wanted. Emptiness.
Like my friend said, “How much time can we spend working out, gardening, seeing movies, reading, decorating the house, volunteering, etc.? There must be more!
Well, I just wanted to share what’s up for me these days. Now, I feel a little better. I hear the humor in myself.
Thanks for listening.
Brenda
These are the weeks of planning and attending high school and college commencements. I remember using red bandanas stuffed in my purse rather than Kleenex. I needed a sure thing. No messy, embarrassing nose drips for me. Well, I can
Talking with parents across the country, working or not, married or single, all say it is a relief to know their feelings are normal.
The fear of their children leaving spins parents into worry about safety, friendships, money, happiness, inclusion, loneliness, but mostly, into the reality that the role parents love living is coming to a drastic change. The grieving journey and opening to new parts of self begins for all parents, but uniquely for each.
Parents are entering the unknown without a timeline of relief and their children are leaping into more independence without the safety of their parents in the next room.
This time of year, more and more children are getting rejection letters from the colleges they wanted. I love the idea that some high schools are allowing them to bravely post the rejection letters at school in order to belong to a group that shows all of them are dealing with the embarrassment, as they call it, and the reality that college is more competitive now. That it is,
Hi there,
I hope spring is in the air and with it seeds of new ways of being. Parents have been calling and asking about tips for graduation and crying that it is almost here… change. Most of them have said they are so busy that tears still fall with the last events of school days, but they want to make graduation day fun. Oh the art of enjoying and being present, packed with Kleenex.
So, I thought we would share here what helped in the celebration and the falling of tears. I think a reminder is….this is their day so ask what ideas they have and offer ones you have been thinking about. Everyone is so busy and emotional for good reason that the ones, who can offer suggestions, have a chance to take that lead.
One of my favorite high school graduation things was to put things in every room that were part of my daughter’s life…soccer uniform, red and white skirt that she had to wear everyday in pre school, art she made, photos, letter to the tooth fairy begging her to leave something but not take her tooth, framed collage saying from here to there with photos at different ages of her life and with the people she loves. I had pamphlets and photos of the college she was heading towards so people had an image of her new life.
College graduation, I didn’t ask her, but took a risk that it would be ok if I gave everyone from the family her favorite song on a CD and played it at the restaurant, since the restaurant is a place she worked and they loved surprising her. It was called.
Let yourself be silently drawn towards the stronger pull of what you really love.”
-Rumi
This is another one of my favorite quotes. When we let ourselves be quiet, close our eyes, and fall into a restful place, we have a chance to hear other parts of ourselves that really matter in our wholeness.
It can be awkward or feel like nothing is happening, but I think part of this transition is the stillness and the gifts that emerge from that place. It is so common and natural that we don’t know what we want to do next..that is why I like the word …unfold…Some thrive better with doing and that is fine. It is fun and enlivening.
There is also time for stillness, which after full time parenting definitely takes time and practice to develop.
Well, I just wanted to pass this onto all of our community who are so bravely beginning again no matter if your children just left or it has been years. Change is a journey and I am wishing all of us the courage and joy in taking steps outside of our comfort zone.
I love writing and as you know that didn’t re-emerge for me until my daughter left for college. I have been blessed to make new friends with this new love I have. I told my mother today that she formed a community playing bridge and mine, in part, has been in writing. She is almost 88 and still smiles when she has the good health to sit at a bridge table. We laughed about homework as a writer and she said, I could never do homework again. I just love it when my mom laughs. I bet our children love it when we laugh. Anyhow, I hope all of you are heading into springing forward with hope and fun ideas.
Take care, Natalie
So let’s share what we love even if it is a romantic book, a wine, a yummy meal, a movie, a recipe, etc.
Parents are cleaning, marketing, fluffing up the bedroom pillows and yakking on the phone with friends about how excited they are that their children will be home this week.
What has been sleeping is awakened with the joy of having children back home.
You hope the plane isn
by Anonymous | submitted on February 27, 2008
Suffering in my empty nest, is it optional to not suffer?
I want to come up with a solution for missing my children. I always come up with solutions.
The data is this:
Woman in my fifties
Married for decades
Two girls
Two dogs
Career in teaching
Friends and extended family
Healthy and active
Extrovert and explorer
Still I suffer. I didn’t know it would be this lonely with my girls off to college and I feel guilty for missing them so much. I am an adult who should handle children leaving home. I raised them to be independent. I am proud of me and of them.
I overeat. I check emails way too often to see if the girls have told me anything about their day. I teach the little ones and then come home or try not to come home because I don’t want to cry. Ridiculous to fear coming home because I might cry!
My husband works late so alone I sit in the den wanting to just talk to my girls. I don’t go in their bedroom. I call a friend but still I feel empty at times.
I sound so small but my heart is sad to not be around my children. I think part of it is that was my life everyday and now what?
Is it like retiring? I wouldn’t know since I am far from retiring. I think it is more like kissing someone goodbye who you really love and won’t be seeing because they live far away.
I am so good at doing things but not so good at being without something to do. I have more free time but I don’t have what fills my heart. Will I find that in something outside of mothering?
My husband misses the girls, too, but not as I do. He and I are good but it is more about the changes I am feeling with the girls not being at home.
Changes. Day at a time, I know, but it isn’t enough to know that change takes time. I don’t want to suffer. Life is short. I want to get on with it.
Thanks for listening.
Parents have many good memories and when the house is more silent they emerge. I think we need to acknowledge what we love about our role and have self compassion for our new path.
I just can
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org