This month I have heard parents share that transitions are sorrowful. Some kids have just started college in January and others have returned. Parents experience mixed feelings of missing their children and wanting to stay in touch more often to the feelings of relief, having no interruptions and getting back into their own space and routine.
Parents feel loneliness and worry at first. Change isn
by Kathleen H. Walters, M.A. | submitted on January 1, 2008
Hi – I have a “story” of sorts (the story is not over yet…):
Last year, my son went off to college – I cried as we left him outside the dorm of American University in DC. He seemed so alone standing there, waving at us as we piled back into our SUV. His sister, Nina, would join him next year, when she went off to college too! But, I wasn’t thinking of that yet – I had to deal with the first born going off into the world, leaving me bereft. We are very close and I was very involved in his life – I coached his soccer team in grade school; joined the kids when they went to karate, earning my own brown belt and becoming their warm up instructor; with my husband and others in the community, we started a Jewish group where we ran a Hebrew school – I taught classes every Sunday for 5 years until he became a Bar Mitzvah; joined the Booster Club at his school, running the food stand and giving out hotdogs and hot cocoa to him and his friends after a game; guiding his academic career, making sure he joined worthwhile and interesting community groups where he excelled: Civil Air Patrol, Hawk Mountain Survival Camp, trips to Italy and Costa Rica, and driving him every day for a month to his EMT class during his junior year (and waiting with bated breath every time he went on a call with his emergency lights flashing). He was my life for 19 years – he and his sister pulled the best from me in every way possible and I was a better mother to them than my own in every way that counted. Then, he was gone.
At first, it didn’t seem much different, life without my son – it felt like an extended trip during the summer, or an encampment at the Air Force Base. But, slowly, the time went on and there was no laundry to do and talks over the day except by phone (he called every night to say hello and “I love you.”). Then, my husband and daughter sat me down and gently told me “Mom, do you realize that you have stopped cooking dinner every since Matthew left for college?” I said, no that cannot be! But, it was true, I thought I was “fine” until I realized I couldn’t bare sitting at the table every night with his place empty. I finally got it together and staring cooking meals for the daughter who remained and of course, for my wonderful husband. I enjoyed the little time I had left with my precious girl, who is just an amazing person, kind and sweet. Then, it was her turn.
Well, they are both off to school and we enjoy their return for winter break, Passover and spring break – the summers are wonderful until my son announced he wanted to live in DC during these months – again I had to struggle “giving him up” again – but slowly I realized he had to follow his dreams and his life. Now, I support him and my daughter’s independence and feel so proud of them both. They really do excel at life and have great friends and experiences. I taught them to be free and independent and now I must accept my teachings as they life out their young lives.
These transitions are important and give depth to one’s life – my husband and I are getting more time together and easing into a relaxed and more simple life – I am starting to explore all the opportunities we can now share – without the kids. It is a new chapter in our life and in our family – yes, it is sad if you try to hold on to the past, but glorious if you can embrace the movement and let the “flow” take you along its currents.
Kathleen H. Walters, M.A.
Empty Nesters are:
? Taking piano lessons
? Traveling using miles
? Joining book clubs
? Finding exercise buddies
? Saying hello and smiling more in order to meet new people
? Asking for help
? Simplifying daily life by quieting the critic and pusher
? Getting organized
? Saving money
? Hosting wine and cheese parties
? Going green
? Mentoring children
? Exploring organizations to volunteer
? Using their library
? Sharing garden space
? Drawing at a museum
? Taking tours of their city
? Going back to school
? Taking art classes
? Becoming docents
? Moving-relocating
? Taking acting and singing classes
? Dancing for exercise
? Starting groups for knitting, writing, scrap booking, decorating, water coloring, building furniture, cooking
? Reading to children
? Traveling with groups
? Using a trainer
? Taking meditation classes
? Using a spiritual practice every day
? Journaling
? Making sacred altars
? Taking computer classes and Photoshop
? Starting home businesses
? Acknowledging their courage and compassion
? Saying no without feeling guilty
? Comparing themselves to others less often
? Pausing before emailing or calling their children
? Making new traditions and rituals
? Focusing on themselves rather than their children
I know from the many emails and calls I received of appreciation, challenge, and hope that women are ready for 2008.
Dreams are Motivations…so I wish you time to go inward and see what dreams are heard or seen. Write them down. Just Dare the World to Give You some Options and See what Happens.
Yes, I know be careful what you dream for and I know it simply feels great to ask for help, set some intentions of how you want to be Feeling in 2008…what do you want to see over the mountain…what do you need this year? What will you practice Dropping and Adding to your life?
I am so grateful for all of you who have the Courage to feel the Loving moments and the Painful ones
I gave a wonderful unmarried empty nester the black t-shirt that says
Thanksgiving gatherings are over. Hugs goodbye in the driveway, airport or train with kleenex tucked in our pocket, reflection emerges.
I realized we are all feeling a long way from home. The HOME where we use to live our traditions has changed.
New family members, old ones looking down from above, anticipation of newborns, hope for our sons and daughters dreams to appear and us, the parents, who are reinventing the way we were.
I hope you are able to bring your hands together, place them on your heart, and take in a deep appreciation breath for living in the changes.
natalie@emptynestsupport.com
800 446 3310 toll-free
by Cathy | submitted on November 25, 2007
My three children all left after a different kind of Thanksgiving. Different from hearing the words, mommy, daddy, now there are times of little words, sleep-ins until eleven, and sharing everyone with obligations and peers.
But I am doing so much better than the last time they all left and me and me sat in the kitchen crying and stuck.
This time I planned ahead and even wrote it down so I had something for me besides tears. I had magazines, a phone call planned with a friend who doesn’t live near by and my journal. I even had treats which for me are new candles, one new CD, and a movie to get lost in….Dead Poets Society.
Hats off to me, I am changing and actually liking my own space! I will see them in about three weeks. New lists for me as far as what I need and what I can give. This season I am not going into debt and I am not going to forget to make some time that is meaningful for me, like volunteering to help my neighbor by taking her to the market, raking her leaves, and getting one of those “fake” candles for her so she sees some light but doesn’t burn down.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL OF US WHO ARE CHANGING
Cathy
Employers have discovered empty nesters are great people to hire. They demonstrate less stress since they aren
Yes, it is true that even when you are preparing for the holidays tears will fall. So what
Children are coming home for Thanksgiving. Parents are writing cooking and shopping lists, decorating the house, and leaping a little quicker out of bed in happy anticipation of their children sleeping in their rooms again, and chatting together in the kitchen.
Change has happened. Some children aren
by Brenda | submitted on October 26, 2007
I am growing a new relationship with myself. No one told me when I was an adult that I still might struggle, painfully struggle.
I thought experiences, college education, money from working, partnering, and devotion to my children would give me free tickets to solving challenges more readily.
So not true. No matter what my life has given and taken from me I am not exempt from pain, tears, and dreams that I can’t make come true.
Some days I feel sad, non-motivated, and confused. But, I am an adult. I have lots of skills and a solid spiritual foundation.
Truth is I have discovered I want someone to walk with me who gets what this time of life is all about.
I am in my late fifties, married, kids happily on their own in their twenties. I am lucky all are healthy and connected to our family.
I dreamt of family and my own career. I have it. I didn’t think about what I would be like when my kids grew up. I didn’t think about aging and my parents yo yo health issues. It whispered but didn’t need attending to.
Now is now. Now I need help in this time of my life. People don’t talk much about empty nest unless they say things like it is no big deal since you have free time and they still come home.
I have to fake it. I have to convince myself which is just in my head, that I am fine but my heart is not fine. I am struggling. But really, I am not fine like I use to be fine. I cry now. I feel lonely. I feel angry at times for all the changes I am living including the rounding, sagging of my body and the independence of my children who can go without calling or an email.
Knowing I have meaningful relationships and have helped so many people including my family just isn’t enough for me today. That sounds terrible when I see it in the written word. It is like I am a tantrumming child. I am not or am I?
This is not such a good day and yes I do have joyous days, but not this one.
Who else is feeling lousy days, confusing, days, disappointing time of life when dreams don’t come true and the clock is ticking? Some of those self help books just sound like cheerleaders on red bull.
I am a woman who wonders how I got here and where am I going. Thanks for listening.
When parents reminisce about trick or treating with their adorable brides, witches, and super men, they also remember the dud treats that dropped in their child
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org