with Natalie caine

Who Cares What I Know . . I Still Hurt

March 30, 2006 | by Admin2 | No Comments

by Anonymous | March 30, 2006

I know this is supposed to be a freeing time. My birds have emptied the nest. How am I going to live with the thoughts that say these could be your best years and the feelings of missing “do you want eggs and toast—yes I will bring the snacks for soccer—oh I am so sorry sweetie that you had a fight with her—-today’s your birthday, big guy. .

Isn’t it ironic that when we are over worked and burnt out we fantasize about ME TIME. We want to close the door, watch tv and eat cereal in bed. We want time with our hubby like the ole days of dating him.

Now that the day begins silent and free, I don’t know which room to sit in that feels comforting. Oh forget comforting, I could be that if I had passion about anything.

I had no idea I wouldn’t bound out of bed with the thought of having a whole day to myself. Myself. Who is myself?

I have a career, a husband, a house, a great neighborhood and friends. I am healthy. Do you really care about this info?”

I don’t.

It is not the issue of what I have or who I am.

It is more that these days are different. I have never been here. It is not like the excitement of a vacation.

I know these days are going to be the same for a long time. It is the fear of the endless nothing days that rattles my cage.

My silent house remains. I don’t know what I really want to do with my free time. I have to gear up and make the best of it. I have to feel satisfied that I raised them well and they flew with badges and dreams.

I have to coach myself and be gentle and understanding about my life and..and..and.

I, of course can be that way with me. I just don’t want to.

Part of not wanting to is and here it comes—–I have been caring for so many others as a mother and now I AM HUNGRY to be cared for.

You think for me. You carry that. You remind me. You clean and cook for me. You bring me treats. You plan the fun party. You be my advisor and counselor. You be my coach and guiding light.

I get that I am burnt out with gearing up to make a good day.

So you know what. I am not going to do any gearing, planning, coaching of myself. I am not going to dive deep into knowing myself.

I am getting back in bed. It is day time and I am going to flip the channels and see how long that lasts.

I am taking a break from being productive, generous, spiritual, healthy eater and miss go getter.

My car is parked in the driveway.

The opposite thought of course emerges which is, if I want to call a friend or start my engines today, I will. I mean how long can I stay in bed and watch TV.

That is the other point. Most of us know it sounds good to do nothing. Truth is that sound gets annoying.

I want the excitement of a new day. I want romance. I want a surprise. I want a call from my kids that says , I forgot to thank you for being such an inspiration and great teacher. I really, really love you for giving you to me so often.

Well, that for sure is a dream. They do love me and say thanks, but not that dramatically.

I want a project that adds value to life. I want new friends that carry the torch. I want adventure. I want to rest in appreciation of a good life.

I want to trust. I mean really trust that life will do me. I am not a slacker. I am not one who needs outside motivation. Although, since the kids have gone, there are times I want someone to lead me. Call me and get me up and kicking.

I guess this change in my life, this emptying, is full of holes.

Question: Can I let it be?

Stay tuned!

Hope

March 13, 2006 | by Admin2 | No Comments

by Christine Studor | submitted on March 13, 2006

I am nearly the first “school year” as an empty nester. My oldest daughter left for a teaching job in the state “next door” and my younger daughter is in her first year of college in that same state although the girls are still an hour or two from each other.

As I reflect upon this “year” I believe it has been the most emotional year of my life and I believe my husband feels the same way. As one of your comments on the web site said, “You can never be prepared until the reality hits in and you are living it.”

My hopes are to become the best support mother I can be without my daughters feeling I’m trying to “control” what they do. I often spend time thinking of how to best put things when I know I need to talk to them about something going on in their lives. I want them to come to conclusions and make judgments based on what they have figured out for themselves and hope they will consider my comments as input and not like I’m treating them that they can’t think for themselves.

I will always miss them not being children at home but want to hurt less from their absence and I am slowly getting there.

I want to write a book now that I have more time to myself, maybe a mystery since I love them, maybe some short stories. This has been coming to the forefront of my thoughts lately that I might finally have the time to do this!”

I think now after a year has nearly passed, I will begin to think about some of the things I may have put on hold and try and go after these things more.

I don’t want everything to be centered on empty nesting emotions either but I know I have a ways to go yet. I am working on some projects as a volunteer in our nearby National Park and I will continue to be involved in that.

Some day I hope to have grandchildren though, to share love and experience with, this may or may not happen.

For now though, this book thing has come into my head and I think it’s going to be a go, watch for me on your bookstore shelves.

HOPE (by the way, I picked this name because I think anyone can survive anything if there’s hope on the horizon.) Thanks for asking for our input, HOPE”

Empty Nest Mom Confesses

February 13, 2006 | by Admin2 | No Comments

by Katie | submitted on February 13, 2007

Why did I wait until my kids were gone to confess? My blinders were glued to being a sparkling mom and I was. When I visited this web site, empty nest support services, I never posted. I read the articles, newsletters, blogs, and message board. I was like a peeping tom. I never posted anything.

One evening, I sobbed reading the article on the web, What Do I Want To Be When I Grow Up. “I have always had to be a grown up but I don’t really know what it is to be the child. I want to be the child. I want to be taken care of. I want to be a child when I grow up.” That’s what I kept saying and sobbing about.

Long story short, I realized I need help. I have never gone for professional help nor have I belonged to a group of women who really support my journey. I have always had a career, but not much vulnerability.

I am ready to spend time alone which seems terrifying but I have no choice and at the same time I am ready to get comfort, support and be as little as I need to be in order to know me better.

I get it .When one door closes, another opens and I am ready. I just didn’t know this is what would arise when my house got so dark and so quiet. I still would have to have confessed at some time in life, don’t ya think? Maybe I will be thanking my kids for going off to college because that opened me to being cared for and vulnerable.

Strong woman, little girl, starting over again,

The Dad’s View

February 7, 2006 | by Admin2 | No Comments

by David I. Sommers | submitted on February 7, 2006

I have resisted writing down my feelings about the empty nest syndrome as I have wanted to avoid – at all costs – feeling any more pain that I already do. And the amazing thing is that for me it has not even happened yet. We have two fantastic boys – a freshman and a junior tin high school. They are still at home with us – although clearly they are pulling away and moving to have their own lives. I know this is at it should be but it is so very hard.

I am a so-called older dad – got married at 39 and had Gordon and Evan relatively quickly. So I am 59 with a15 and 17 year old. Thankfully I guess I am a young 59 – still running and playing basketball (a lifelong passion). I only add this because having the boys a bit later in life might be a contributor to why I feel their move toward independence and away from me so terribly strongly.

I spent their boyhood days with them as much as I could. I had a twin running stroller and would take them on hugely long runs and walks on weekends. All day long. Walking and going to stores, getting lunch, stopping at playgrounds. Maybe it was too much. Maybe I set myself up to feel this loss so profoundly. But I loved it. I also had a baby backpack and would carry them all over the place with me. One at a time – but always together. We did tie dyes, built robots, played ball, built and launched rockets, painted, built rocket cars, built computers, watched movies, and on and on – more than I can remember. And now if I can get a couple of words of conversation I am lucky. Sure it’s so called normal – but I miss being able to do stuff with them. More recently I took them to Maryland football games and basketball games – but they are not really into it – and they are just sort of humoring me. I don’t care though – just to hang out with them is great.

So what is this all about anyhow. Why do I feel this loss so acutely and so unbelievably deeply. It is so bad – I saw a psychiatrist – and am taking Prozac – I don’t really mind – it seems to help a teeny bit – mostly it reduces the feeling of a huge hole in the pit of my stomach a little bit – but it doesn’t change the fact that the boys will grow up and they don’t need me as before. Of course the terrible irony is that as they need me less I seem to need them more. I have a good life, a great wife and a good job. Some health issues but nothing I cannot deal with. But I guess I spent too much of my life living through the boys. Is it possible – as others have asked before me – can you love somebody too much? What does that mean? Need? Want? Love? It all gets blurred in my head. I only know I grasp at the chance to do anything, go anywhere with them. A store? And I hate shopping. A concert? Sure. Watch a TV show – easy.

So, what to do. I know this is as it should be. They need to go and have their own lives. And I need to go and have my own life. So I am working hard to keep busy. To rekindle some of my early passions. I started a painting. Never stopped exercising. Nancy and I have gone out quite a bit. Movies, dinner, walks. It’s all good. But it is taking time and I am far from there yet.

People tell me the boys will never stop needing me – it will just be different. I know in my head this may be right. It will just be different. And you can’t go back – right? I suppose all of this comes down to my tolerance for change and loss – issues I have experience with in my life. One important thing I am learning is that dwelling on it does not help. It only helps me sink lower. So I try to stop my bad thoughts. Also I love my boys and importantly I think they know this at a very deep level. By this I mean at a non-verbal level – deep inside them.

I have some time to work on all this before my nest is actually empty and foe this I am grateful. All this anticipation is not great and it hurts but may in the end be a good thing so I am not devastated. In a way I am already devastated and can only get stronger. And I have to be stronger as it is the only right thing to do for the boys and my wife. I used to think running marathons was the toughest thing I did – it was child’s play by comparison.