by Kate Fratti | submitted on April 26, 2006
If you’re in line at the supermarket this month or at the hair salon or at the dentist’s office or gym and see a perfectly cheerful, stable, middle-age woman suddenly pull a tissue from her pocket or purse and cry a little, look away.
She’ll feel really silly if you don’t.
Don’t ask if you can help. You can’t.
Chances are good she’s just sent a kid off to college or will have to soon, and while she’s been preparing herself forever for this damned empty nest everyone warned her about, the grief gets the better of her some days.
Give her a minute and she’ll get a grip.
It’s just that the kids she wished would hurry up and grow so she’d finally have some peace and quiet are doing just that.
She’s missing them like you wouldn’t believe.
I am her some days. Overwhelmed and embarrassed by this sense of loss. And my nest has been only partially abandoned.
My daughter, in her second year of college, will come home once in a while to do laundry and get a home-cooked meal and an infusion of cash. And my son, who’s finishing up high school and applying to college, can still be found some Saturdays sprawled on my couch watching cartoons or leaning on the open refrigerator door, which I wish he wouldn’t do because it’s going to snap off.
But mostly, he’s happily busy with school and with work and with friends. For now, family time is pretty much last on his list. If his dad and I don’t insist on Sunday night dinner, we can forget about it.
And while I know it’s supposed to be this way, it makes me incredibly sad sometimes.
I actually got a hint of how sad I’d be a long time ago when the kids were still small.
It happened when, for the first time, I let them walk without me through the back yard to a friend’s house a few doors down. They were excited to go it alone and promised to hold hands the whole way. Each kissed me goodbye and I watched from the sliding glass door of the family room as they trudged hand-in-hand through the back yards. I kept waiting for them to look back, but neither did.
I waited until I saw the friend’s mom let them in through her sliding glass door and wave, then found myself fighting back a good cry. The tears surprised me.
What the heck was that about? I’d been longing for 30 minutes to myself since they were born, I told my own mom later.
Of course, you cried. They didn’t need you. They’ll need you less and less all the time.
I think it was probably at that very moment that I decided I’d better go back to work. At first it was for just a few hours a week. Eventually, as they grew older, I worked away from home more and more.
I see now I wasn’t just building a career, that I also was preparing for the time when they would trudge out the front door – for good.
No way was I going to be left standing there by myself feeling lost and wishing they’d turn back around. That wouldn’t be good for me or fair to them. A kid oughta be able to walk away when it’s time, without feeling guilty about poor old mom.
So I got busy with things that weren’t all about them.
But I know now that there’s no protecting against the hurt of no longer being at the center of your kid’s life.
That’s because no matter how many hours I work, how many adult friendships I cultivate, how many vacations I plan alone with their dad, somehow they remain at the center of my life.
I just don’t let on to them too often. Wouldn’t be right.
Instead, these days, when I’m especially missing the kids, I spend more time with my own mom, the one who didn’t fuss (much) when I left her on the backburner a million years ago.
Lucky for me, at 70 she’s healthy and happy to get my call, especially when it’s to see if she wants to hang out.
They say what goes around, comes around. I’m thinking it’s true.
Kate Fratti, who reminds you to call your mom, can be reached at 215-949-4179 or kfratti@phillyBurbs.com.
Kate is a single mom whose kids are learning the art of time management and how to never sleep. You got it! They
are in college.
Kate is a single mom whose kids are learning the art of time management and how to
never sleep. You got it! They are in college.
She wonders when she will get a call that isn
A girlfriend called and asked if we could go to lunch. She was feeling the Easter blues from not seeing her daughter
since Christmas.
Lisa was the holiday happening mom. She had the egg hunt and the table where the
little ones, including myself, had to dye and dot those cute eggs. We made our own baskets out of strawberry, green
cartons.
Her brunch of quiches and fruit tarts and spring colored table settings launched us into the
season of smiles. No more chills in the house. We were in the yard and seeing the blue skies,
again.
We shared our stories of how our kids were doing. Mine, as you know, is studying abroad in
Europe. Her daughter is on the east coast and home is on the west.
Letting go rolls on and on when
you just want it to hit that stop sign already. Talking, tears, and laughter helped, but not having your kids home to
share in the traditions of Easter baskets or chocolate matzos is a big OUCH.
Next plan
by Ruth Ridley | submitted on April 10, 2006
Someone once said that when you have kids, “the days are long and the years are short”. Wow, who can relate to that? Everyone says, “Enjoy them while they are young, as the time will fly?” Of course that never would apply to me, right? Wrong. Our children went to a lovely little Christian elementary school, and I never thought I would have a 6th grader, as they looked so big. Now the 6th graders look small and we are looking at Empty Nest straight in the eye in a few short years.
Nearly two years ago (September 2004), we drove our eldest son to a nearby college to live in the dorm. For some reason, I didn’t walk out of the dorm crying. I guess the fact that he came home every weekend to have his wash done and have a good meal or two helped. Then last August 2005, we drove our two oldest to their first apartment, near the college they would attend. What a difference a year makes. The weeks leading up the event, I thought I was ok, until one afternoon I walked into our favorite family shopping store and broke into tears. The days of the whole family jumping into the car and coming to this store were over.
Wouldn’t you think that with two children still safely in the nest, that I wouldn’t have these empty nest feelings? After all, they were only 45 minutes away. The following months, I think my friends were afraid to talk to me, as I was easily teary-eyed. I kept getting, “are you ok, Ruth”? Wiping the tears away, I would lie and say yes. My productivity at home was less. My hand couldn’t reach my mouth fast enough consuming food to help the pain. So, even with two children still at home, I realized that I was encountering the Empty Nest feelings.
Wind the clock back to the fall my eldest went off to school. One of my friends has a real soft heart to young moms. My attitude (sorry to say) was, well I made it – so should they. But through the months, I began to realize that these young moms really have needs. So with prayer and great brainstorming, we started a MOMS group. I am a hesitant leader at best. My husband encouraged me and that is what I needed.
Set in motion was a way for me to reach out to other moms, as was done for me when my kids were little. We wanted to create a safe haven for just two hours a month where moms can leave their children safely with childcare, enjoy a breakfast they didn’t fix, learning about parenting issues as well as discussion time to get to know each other. I am NOT a crafty person, but found that through crafts, it is another way for the moms to get to know each other.
Our monthly topics have been everything from “Finances” (both for your children and as wives), Husband/Wife Relationships, the Value of a Mom, Raising children in an X-rated world to Cleaning Tips. Our crafts have been fun, simple, practical – live floral arrangement, balloon making (for children parties), card-making, making inexpensive Easter baskets, decorating Christmas cookies and even learning how to sell on Ebay!
Back to my Empty Nest tears. After a couple of months of crying, I finally went to the web to find other empty nesters. To my surprise, I found the most wonderful, caring group of women all going through the same sadness I was experiencing. I wasn’t alone. I signed up for one of the tele-seminars at which Natalie suggested that we think of ways to reach out, to start to build our new lives. I realized that God had given me a start by creating the MOMS group.
It is a new world, Empty Nest. No, I am not really there yet, but the pain of children flying the coup, is still there. Yes, the pain will be worse when the last one leaves, but I am praying that I will realize that my husband and I are a team, we can go on. We will go through the grieving process. My husband is already working out places to travel together. What do you think about India? I personally would like to go to Israel. I was never really a great cook, and now with the smaller family, I am branching out to cook new things. How can I grow? These are the things I am going to have to focus on. My parents let me fly, I need to remember that, and let go and let my children fly.
Grandchildren for the empty nester, what a great daydream!
I don
Does it happen to you when you see people tear up and hug goodbye that you flash back to hugging your kid
My husband and I are planning for friends and food in front of the tv so we can shoot and shout together while
watching the basketball game.
My daughter is studying abroad. She has forgotten that excitement of
screaming and jumping up and down in the den, shouting,
by Anonymous | March 30, 2006
I know this is supposed to be a freeing time. My birds have emptied the nest. How am I going to live with the thoughts that say these could be your best years and the feelings of missing “do you want eggs and toast—yes I will bring the snacks for soccer—oh I am so sorry sweetie that you had a fight with her—-today’s your birthday, big guy. .
Isn’t it ironic that when we are over worked and burnt out we fantasize about ME TIME. We want to close the door, watch tv and eat cereal in bed. We want time with our hubby like the ole days of dating him.
Now that the day begins silent and free, I don’t know which room to sit in that feels comforting. Oh forget comforting, I could be that if I had passion about anything.
I had no idea I wouldn’t bound out of bed with the thought of having a whole day to myself. Myself. Who is myself?
I have a career, a husband, a house, a great neighborhood and friends. I am healthy. Do you really care about this info?”
I don’t.
It is not the issue of what I have or who I am.
It is more that these days are different. I have never been here. It is not like the excitement of a vacation.
I know these days are going to be the same for a long time. It is the fear of the endless nothing days that rattles my cage.
My silent house remains. I don’t know what I really want to do with my free time. I have to gear up and make the best of it. I have to feel satisfied that I raised them well and they flew with badges and dreams.
I have to coach myself and be gentle and understanding about my life and..and..and.
I, of course can be that way with me. I just don’t want to.
Part of not wanting to is and here it comes—–I have been caring for so many others as a mother and now I AM HUNGRY to be cared for.
You think for me. You carry that. You remind me. You clean and cook for me. You bring me treats. You plan the fun party. You be my advisor and counselor. You be my coach and guiding light.
I get that I am burnt out with gearing up to make a good day.
So you know what. I am not going to do any gearing, planning, coaching of myself. I am not going to dive deep into knowing myself.
I am getting back in bed. It is day time and I am going to flip the channels and see how long that lasts.
I am taking a break from being productive, generous, spiritual, healthy eater and miss go getter.
My car is parked in the driveway.
The opposite thought of course emerges which is, if I want to call a friend or start my engines today, I will. I mean how long can I stay in bed and watch TV.
That is the other point. Most of us know it sounds good to do nothing. Truth is that sound gets annoying.
I want the excitement of a new day. I want romance. I want a surprise. I want a call from my kids that says , I forgot to thank you for being such an inspiration and great teacher. I really, really love you for giving you to me so often.
Well, that for sure is a dream. They do love me and say thanks, but not that dramatically.
I want a project that adds value to life. I want new friends that carry the torch. I want adventure. I want to rest in appreciation of a good life.
I want to trust. I mean really trust that life will do me. I am not a slacker. I am not one who needs outside motivation. Although, since the kids have gone, there are times I want someone to lead me. Call me and get me up and kicking.
I guess this change in my life, this emptying, is full of holes.
Question: Can I let it be?
Stay tuned!
Anticipating empty nesters are waiting for college acceptance letters. Some families have them in hand, and some are
scheduling flights and hotels to take their children on the college tours. Weddings are being planned. Jobs are being
researched for those graduating.
Prayers for our troops and hopes for peace are in our
hearts.
The commonality is all families want the best match for their children and at the same time are in
moments of fears and tears that the emptying is coming closer.
A time of transition, a time of hope, and
a time of new freedom, springs across the lawns today.
Go to friends. Go to planning something just
for you that will care and comfort. A massage, a walk in nature, a captivating book, a candle by a warm bath, music
playing, dinner out in a quiet setting, journaling, and an inner voice that reminds you,
by Christine Studor | submitted on March 13, 2006
I am nearly the first “school year” as an empty nester. My oldest daughter left for a teaching job in the state “next door” and my younger daughter is in her first year of college in that same state although the girls are still an hour or two from each other.
As I reflect upon this “year” I believe it has been the most emotional year of my life and I believe my husband feels the same way. As one of your comments on the web site said, “You can never be prepared until the reality hits in and you are living it.”
My hopes are to become the best support mother I can be without my daughters feeling I’m trying to “control” what they do. I often spend time thinking of how to best put things when I know I need to talk to them about something going on in their lives. I want them to come to conclusions and make judgments based on what they have figured out for themselves and hope they will consider my comments as input and not like I’m treating them that they can’t think for themselves.
I will always miss them not being children at home but want to hurt less from their absence and I am slowly getting there.
I want to write a book now that I have more time to myself, maybe a mystery since I love them, maybe some short stories. This has been coming to the forefront of my thoughts lately that I might finally have the time to do this!”
I think now after a year has nearly passed, I will begin to think about some of the things I may have put on hold and try and go after these things more.
I don’t want everything to be centered on empty nesting emotions either but I know I have a ways to go yet. I am working on some projects as a volunteer in our nearby National Park and I will continue to be involved in that.
Some day I hope to have grandchildren though, to share love and experience with, this may or may not happen.
For now though, this book thing has come into my head and I think it’s going to be a go, watch for me on your bookstore shelves.
HOPE (by the way, I picked this name because I think anyone can survive anything if there’s hope on the horizon.) Thanks for asking for our input, HOPE”
You, the parents, have learned how to live happily as an empty nester. You discovered what you like to do, what you
didn
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org