By Natalie Caine |
Send five post cards to friends just to touch in and feel connected with this
empty nest vacancy. Take a walking meditation with a “seed” of an
idea and let nature feed your idea with thoughts like, I could do that, or I
could add that, or I could let so and so help me with this part.
Get some magazines and tear out some of your favorite words, pictures and glue
them down with no order and no theme in mind . Whatever caught your interest
in that 15 minutes… Then you can see if any idea comes to you from this collage.
Ask at bedtime to remember a dream about WHAT IS THE NEXT STEP FOR ME? I AM
OPEN TO RECEIVING IDEAS. Keep paper and pencil or a small recorder at your bedside
so you can take note of them… Keep going, don’t stop if nothing comes. Keep
asking.
Have an afternoon tea party, where you provide the goodies and invite some friends.
Even if it is only one friend to support you in hearing how you are feeling
and in what they think you would enjoy doing, now that you have more free time…
Let people help you…You have been the nurturer for so long. It is your time
to receive support, so jot down what you need even if it is “impossible”
to imagine getting.. DARE TO DREAM Make a list now and then, or daily if you
can, of what you are grateful for…This helps with the loneliness and the creativity.
Fill in the blank: if I wasn’t expected to ……I could go and do….. Don’t
tell anyone, but I am secretly wanting to…..
Give yourself about 45 minutes and make a list of all of your accomplishments,
as far back, as you can remember…
We need encouragement and we deserve to have it, so choose someone you feel
safe with and begin there to share yourself. Share some writing you did, or
ideas, or art or music, or even a wild trip you want to make happen… Get encouragement.
Rent movies and yes watch them in the middle of the day…. no one has to know.
Go to a movie even if you can’t find someone to go with you…. just go.. Listen
to music, get a massage. Read a magazine, Buy a cup of coffee or tea, go see
an art exhibit, even if you only have 30 minutes…This way you are feeding
yourself…
Complete the following sentences:
The next time I am sad, I will……
My treats are…..
I want you to give me….
I laugh when…
I can’t imagine…
If I were to call my own bluff, I’d realize I…
Is it ok to sleep on ideas, and do nothing with them.
Remind myself I don’t have to know anything yet, I do have practice being gentle
with myself and letting others care for me…
By Natalie Caine |
I think when your child is gone off to college there are times the aging fear comes to visit. I have noticed I internally feel very energetic and most days I still have energy to do all I want to do, but that haunting feeling that I am “aging” visits me.
It is not the way I look, like sagging or wrinkles, or less toned, it is that I am older. Simply older. I have a child in college and that marks that time has truly leapt ahead and I don’t have forever to be around. Sometimes that feeling is a motivator for me to check in with myself and be sure I am taking my vitamins, getting some exercise, taking time to quiet myself , breathe and drop into a short meditative place, and that I am having fun and feeling some pride in me.
A time to grieve what I probably won’t ever be doing or have and a time to appreciate who I am and what I do have in life. That is where some of the sorrow comes from when we are Empty Nesters. There’s a NOTICING of oneself that life is different now…. I still feel that I have my inner youth and didn’t lose it when my young adult daughter, who carried so much of that energy, went off to college. I still have my own youthful feeling and I am proud of it. That energy gives me dreams and aliveness.
At this stage of my life, and actually since that powerful menopause heat, that visited me early in life, I know how to ask for what I want and I have my own voice, so the power side of me is a good friend, along with the youthful inner energy. But patience is still a challenge. I am doing better, but with this transition of life and wanting what I want, because the clock is ticking, I sometimes get irritable because “I JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN.”
I am not always as tolerant about the mundane parts of the day.When those feelings come up, I see them as a time to check in again and feel into what do I need right now… I do feel better when I slow down that way and check in because I know I am being good to myself. Most of the time, I hear an inner answer of what I need then. It could be, as easy as, slow down, get off your feet and do nothing, or I need to get out of here, meaning I need to get out of town and have some nurturing , relaxation, or out of town meaning , change the scenery and just go to a different part of town for dinner or a museum.
Nature renews me and I like going for walks and eating yummy foods. Where I live, I get those chances because the weather is more consistent. I say I am going to take my art supplies, but don’t always because then my inner pusher could come out and tell me I have to “GET SOMETHING DONE SO DO ART.” What I need is to simply be and space out . So I take nothing with me but food.
It is a learning process to figure out what you need and how to get it. I am ok with experimenting. I just know that I am committed to me and caring for me. Great if others join in, but the truth is, it is up to me to check in with myself and at the same time ask for help.. Oh the joys of being “an ADULT.”
So remind yourself that, as I tell my daughter, “it is normal to feel this way. Treat yourself well, as you would advise a friend that came to you for help. Advise yourself that, too. BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF.”
By Natalie Caine |
I’ve been thinking about her going off to college for years… I thought if
I think about it , it would better prepare me… like prevention from pain…
I doubt if that will work… I wish for her to discover more of what she likes
and dislikes.
To develop inner resources of when to say yes and when to say no
To take safe risks
To of course have fun and develop creativity
To make relationships that add to her and to others
To give, to be helpful
To trust her choices and feelings
To be gentle with herself when she makes mistakes or feels irresponsible
To be forgiving of herself and then others in time
To ask for help
To be silly
To laugh
To play outside
To rest
To get into nature for spiritual renewal
To pray
To be grateful for each day
To take her time
To eat well and sleep with regular hours
To do art
To write for fun and release
To sing in the shower
To take responsibility with gentle words and action
To be open
To allow life rather than the need to push life.
To notice
To develop being in the moment
To take breaks and go outside… move around
To have a list of what’s fun for her and act on it
To have a list of how to rejuvenate and act on it
To surprise someone
To play
To visit the question… what is the meaning of her life
TO visit the question… what is love
To visit the question what are her beliefs
To check… is she in or off balance today
To ask… what does she need today
To ask … what do they need today
To dance and twirl
To develop compassion and generosity
To read for fun
To take photos
To meditate
To nap
To discover what is fun for her
To discover different types of love
To change
To ……..
By Natalie Caine |
Feel your feet on the ground. Softly look at your children. Breathe, listen,
and feel. Wait, respond, don’t prejudge what they are saying, don’t complete
their sentences. Be curious, act as if it is the first time they are speaking
with you.
Repeat what they said and wait for their response . Keep your words short and
then pause and wait for their response. As you are taking in their body language,
notice their face, their hands, their feet. You can not spoil them by acknowledging
them.. give real compliments. Share real feelings of the ways you love them.
Tell them what they add to your life, be specific, with examples when you can.
Don’t be phony they will know. Gently touch their shoulder or stroke their hair.
Reach for their hand. Ask questions, but if you notice annoyance by their body
signals, drop it. Apologize often and say thank you often.. let them see ways
that you are human, ways you make mistakes and how you deal with the bad feelings
you have… ways you feel insecure or left out or stupid …
Model how you simply take time to be everyday, for instance,like listening to
music, reading , doing art, staring out a window, going for a walk. Show them
how you give to your friends by calling them, or having surprises for them…
Cook with your kids, sing, dance, ask if they need help. Offer them choices.
Let them fall and pick up their own”mistakes”, don’t “save ”
them, so that you can foster self reliance. Lighten up on chores. Lighten up
on consequences.Teach rather than punish. Prepare them for consequences. Need
a verb here cause and effect rather than fearing you. Build trust… let them
know that trust can be broken. Show unconditional love when the going gets tough.
Cry. Remember they have only been on this planet for a short time and they are
here as a gift to you, so cherish them.
Teach them to stand tall. Teach them words to say by role playing. Don’t assume,
let go of expectations and show them how you can handle chaos, drama, hurt,
pain as a human not a super human. Model being changeable and unpredictable
as well as reliable. Let them see what your comfort zones are. Give them chances
to undo their errors through discovery and listening rather than rules and demands….softness,
calmness, so that anger is real.
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org