By Natalie Caine |
People ask me if the loss during empty nest gets any better and the answer for me is Yes.
Yes, that I know how the routine goes. Yes, I have filled in some of my own needs that were on hold. Yes, I know she is growing and on her search for who she is and how to handle what comes up in life. Yes, that I have confidence in her and that her life is a good one.
What I miss is when she tells me what’s going on right then and we can’t have the time to just be with that experience. The telephone or emails aren’t always enough.
When she is very excited or something sad has happened, those are times I wish we were down the street from each other. There aren’t enough cues to communicate…no smiles, no eyebrows lifting, long face to just be with, no hugs. Body language is lost. Long pauses are lost.
The knowing that we can talk about it later is gone. Usually, later doesn’t’ come about that experience because they are off to the next event in their life. Sure you can bring it up again, when you do connect, but that initial moment of sharing is over and often short. They are busy and have their new world that they are involved with and pulled into. It is not that they are being rude with you, but that they feel the need to move on. Something in their world is calling them, like responsibilities or people that are there, or the simple reason that it is too difficult to talk about on the phone. They too, don’t have the body language, free time, or pauses to meander in. They feel that and just want to move on where more is available to them. It is not a personal rejection. It is them being into them. Often it is” age appropriate”, as the saying goes.
You might say, they are a little self centered. Truth is, there are positives to being self centered. They are relying on themselves and not being crippled by your “being there for them” when they need to be on their own. It isn’t mean, although it can feel rejecting and hurtful. They aren’t planning to be that way when they leave. It is not their goal. They simply are learning how to separate and grow up. They are going to treat us poorly at times. Are we striving for them to attend to us or reminding ourselves that we are in a learning process of how to keep the communication and connection with them. We want our kids to be independent and happy. We want them to want to spend time with us out of their love for us and the fun of it and not the obligation and guilt.
How we get there with each other, is teachable and correctable when we don’t get our needs met. We need to remember we are all human. Sometimes, our needs get left behind and we can talk about that with them and not be “punishing and parental.” They seem to have a short attention span, so lectures and discipline aren’t affective. Saying what you need and how you feel might be more successful with you and with them. Solutions are trial and error. The intention to love is solid.
Speaking of not lecturing on and on , let me let go of that issue and get back to what I like about empty nest second year!
I like my freedom. I like not having to follow a schedule around her needs…I like the silence at times. I like not carrying so much responsibility because now, she doesn’t have me around to do that with her. She is gone. She is solving and choosing her own ways of being. I like that feeling that she doesn’t really need me as much. She might like having the help, or the comfort of mom, and the fun of hanging out together. But, the need is gone now. She can usually figure things out, and deal with the great and not so great choices she has made. So, I feel the relief that she has those skills.
If I were to interfere, she might not stay in communication with me and worse than that, she wouldn’t grow into a full adult. Those ideas motivate me to think before I act and before I speak. I listen. I usually wait for her to extend to me, by email or phone call. If something important needs to be answered, I call her and then pop an email.
I let her know how much I love her. How proud I am of her for …..
I share some of my stories so that she feels connected to my world and it is fun for me to fill her into my life. It is not a balance because at this time of life, her needs are newer than mine. I am a full adult. I am in touch with different parts of myself and I know myself pretty well. I am not needy of her. I am curious about her and happy when we do connect. I get excited when I am going to see her and I love hearing her stories of life. The difference is… I DON”T HAVE TO HEAR FROM Her. The first year, I did NEED to hear more from her.
Trust is stronger now. Respect has built. She has shown her success at independence and has handled her life without any major price to pay. Sure there have been mistakes, but nothing that couldn’t be handled or forgiven.
Letting go is an ongoing process. It is not like you, “get it” and the sadness doesn’t occur again. It does and it will. But it becomes more familiar so you know you can trust yourself that you will be ok in the sadness … You won’t “not get up again. “
You learn more about feeling whatever you are feeling. Sounds simple, but sometimes all we can do is just feel whatever feelings surface. Anger, sadness, sorrow, fear, hurt, love, happiness, joy.
I think the fear of the feelings are often worse than the actual feelings. Sometimes we have no control over the emerging feelings and other moments we have to put them aside.
We are still ok. We forget that we will be ok. This is our new learning, just as they are on their learning.
We never had to experience these feeling around parenting before and now we are learning how to think and sort through the thoughts, and feel whatever we feel. We step forward when we can and other times we collapse into our sorrow. There is no right way here. We are who we are in that moment. The next moment always shows up.
There are no rules. It is a human experience and each of us is different. We do the best we can. Some moments and days are easier than others. All days are what they are.
It sounds so easy, but truth is, when we are in pain, we are in pain. That is why we hurt and feel so terrible. Sometimes we think we could be doing something differently, like get going, or just think of something to do to fill the time, but those are thoughts and they can’t erase the feelings. We are feeling what we feel and that is real at that time…So be gentle with yourself. One feeling doesn’t last forever. The feeling moves on in time and usually quicker, if we drop into that tearful, immobile, uncomfortable place.
Each of us can share what we are experiencing and then we don’t feel so alone in the empty nest.
Letting go is a major learning on the list of life lessons. We can’t avoid it because our children do leave. They leave through college, work, marriage, travel, serving for our country, explorations. They leave.
Sometimes, I think if we knew how terrible the pain is we wouldn’t have become parents. But that is probably why we don’t get access to looking in that cupboard or we might not have chosen to be lifetime parents.
Unknowns are put in life for a reason. Answers aren’t always available. Being loving with whatever we are experiencing is possible. Compassion….kindness….sweetness…tenderness…
May we all find the courage to feel . To be able to tell ourselves…”this is how it is for now and I am ok.” To get the support we need so we don’t feel abandoned and isolated in this new journey of parenting.
May we learn devotion to ourselves, an honoring of other ways of being in this world, and a sacredness of life!
June 2005
Listen to Natalie on Lifetime Radio Network for Women
by Steven Harris | submitted on January 25, 2006
My wife and I both work full time. It’s Sunday morning and it is my wife’s busy season and she is at work. I just got up, it’s 10 AM. I go over to the couch and lay down asking myself, “What’s wrong with me?”
As I look ahead to the next 8 weekends alone It dawns on me my youngest, who is now 18 and a half, won’t be around either. After an hour of laying on the couch being a bed for my 2 cats I decide to go on-line. As I launch my browser I get the idea to look up a phrase I’ve been thinking about for a while “Empty Nest”.
As I search I wonder could this apply to me? I find http://www.emptynestsupport.com/ and start reading. As I read things I had not though about it hits me and I begin to cry. My daughter is 26 and has been out of the house for a while. She is doing so well she is thinking of moving from her apartment, which is less than a mile from home, to another state out of New England. My Son, my youngest, is in college, has a job and a girlfriend! Sure he still lives at home but pretty much all we do is pass in the hall late at night while I’m going to bed and he’s just getting in. The days of tickle fights and building snow forts are long over.
So as I read the different articles I realized I had been suffering loneliness brought on by Empty Nest Syndrome. As it sunk in I also was able to accept it. That was a miracle since I usually don’t accept things that quickly. I started to feel better and my thinking began to change. I was being pretty selfish forgetting my wife is in this boat too. Then I said this is my life and it is what I make it. I took to heart the words about this could be a new time. I started to motivate and do things around the house. While I got moving I thought about how I started dating my wife when her daughter was just over 2 years old. We got married when her daughter was 5. Then I finally realized the big picture – my wife and I have never been a couple without a kid or kids around, YIKES! Then I calmed down and thought about how it can be our time now.
What do I like most about being a dad? I like how my kids freely hug me. That’s especially great for me since I have never received a hug from my father and although he is still with us I cannot believe I ever will.
So if there are any other Dads out there feeling like this it would be real helpful, for both of us, if you wrote in too.
By Natalie Caine |
Valentines weekend one of my daughter’s friends was coming home and asked if she could stop by… I wasn’t sure why.
And as it turned out, she simply wanted to come by and visit with me.. WOW that felt great.. I have known her since they were in first grade together and she goes to college in town. When I saw her on the porch ringing the bell, I felt a little teary that my daughter wasn’t home, but that quickly passed and she and I sat and caught up on her life for about two hours… The time went so fast..
That spontaneous thought on her part , was fun for both of us.. She couldn’t stay for dinner, so I asked if she needed some cash for yogurt on her way home, because going for frozen yogurt had always been one of our fun times together. The three of us. When my daughter called that evening I told her about her friend’s surprise visit and she too was shocked and thought that was so nice.
By Natalie Caine |
Freshman year has ended and she is home for the summer. My husband and I, as well as my girlfriends all talked at different times about the adjustment to the “kids” being back in the house…all the common issues of them staying up late, the noise, the messy rooms, the food, laundry, schedules changing, plans erratic, and the excitement of hearing and seeing them and their friends.
Talking about this with each other didn’t change the feelings around it…It was difficult for every mom; all with their own issues and the common ones.
The kids were use to not needing to answer to any parental figures and the parents were used to communicating from a far, as well as, having their new beginnings and the territory to themselves..
What about communicating out of respect, like what time will you be home…or , just leave a message if you aren’t coming home…What about responsibilities at home; pitching in and making their own money. Most of all, what about time together for fun and getting to reconnect.
The answer is that there isn’t one. A new dance must be choreographed between each parent and child. It is an unfolding with each family hopefully having discussions without unrealistic expectations and old solutions like, you are grounded, those need to be put away, they are in college now.
Holding the boundaries that really affect your heart and lifestyle do matter but at the same time the family dynamic needs to change to going with the flow and being aware of their major transition.
All of us are beginners and hopefully willing to learn and make mistakes…JUST KEEP THAT COMMUNICATION OPEN AND AVAILABLE….
Essentially…simplify! They may have known before to turn off the lights but now, when they don’t, its not disrespect, it’s that the light situation of the household is impossible to focus on. If they remember, great, if not, they’re heads are somewhere else. It can feel like they’re selfish or don’t care about what parents give to them, but look at who our kids are, if there is real disrespect in them, they would not show it through manipulating the lighting system of the house.
And cleaning their room, when did they ever do that? Putting things back in the “proper” place, keeping the noise down, I don’t think they have access to that dial.
So maybe they never volunteer to help out…it’s a bummer but they know by now it would be nice, they just don’t do it. It’s pretty much a no go when it comes to extra helping out but when they ask for help, when they call to see what you’re doing, when they just sort of look at you and say hi, you know they care, it’s just in a different form right now.
We see them maturing, we see them growing and wobbly, they look older…older than high school kids…they are smart and more independent and we love that.
They are adjusting to not having their college routine; college friends, the structure that they have been leaning into, and their partying weekends (that believe me they know they can’t be open about at home)
They also feel the shift of parents, the relaxation and letting go by being in their safe haven of home, and the contrast of …I don’t want to talk to you parents about my issues right now…I am separated more and want to figure things out or ask my friends…
For me , this time is a huge reminder that what I really want, is for my kid to be happy, to feel at home, to find her own way with her thoughts and decisions and to still know that I am always here for her…
My child continues to remind me, in her new presence, that my role is to live my life, and to be real and loving with her, which includes all my feelings that might get triggered. I am present with her, remembering in each moment that what really matters, is that we want to learn how to love each other and to be honest with each other, granted this is difficult at times.
We can do this by pausing, talking to our spouses and friends and sorting things out before blowing up at them. Thinking it through and being aware of when is a good time for them, as we know their moods are still changing.
And then comes the talk. “Well, now you have been home for awhile and this is what has come up for me, what I need. Yes, parents have needs and boundaries too and they really do get that. They get we are human more now than last year because we haven’t been doing everything for them and they have felt what it is like to have more to do and no parent to motivate, organize, or remind. The college transition is a major stage of life development that college offers our kids. The biggest stage of their GROWING UP…. That’s one reason they made an earlier path of studying in school and developing friendships and extra activities, so they could get into college…it is a journey and they are feeling it, more now than ever, because they feel these new growth pains….
We need to remember they are on a journey…it is not all done now after one year of college. They need our love, encouragement, teachings, and time appropriate honesty…they really do. It is the best teacher, the honest kind of support.
They have so many new feelings and thoughts that they are sorting and they need to know we love them just as they are, even when we are flipping out about some of their behaviors…we really are their anchor so they can keep shoving off…
This is their journey and so often the troubles come when we, as parents, project our history and how we think they ought to be stepping in their life…yes, we can give opinions, but practice not being attached to the results… we want them to find their own way….
June 2004
Send in your Empty Nest Stories
Freshman year has ended and she is home for the summer. My husband and I, as
well as my girlfriends all talked at different times about the adjustment to
the “kids” being back in the house…all the common issues of
them staying up late, the noise, the messy rooms, the food, laundry, schedules
changing , plans erratic, and the excitement of hearing and seeing them and
their friends.
Talking about this with each other didn’t change the feelings around
it…It was difficult for every mom; all with their own issues and the common
ones.
The kids were use to not needing to answer to any parental figures and the
parents were used to communicating from a far, as well as, having their new
beginnings and the territory to themselves..
What about communicating out of respect, like what time will you be home…or
, just leave a message if you aren’t coming home…What about responsibilities
at home; pitching in and making their own money. Most of all, what about time
together for fun and getting to reconnect.
The answer is that there isn’t one. A new dance must be choreographed
between each parent and child. It is an unfolding with each family hopefully
having discussions without unrealistic expectations and old solutions like,
you are grounded, those need to be put away, they are in college now.
Holding the boundaries that really affect your heart and lifestyle do matter
but at the same time the family dynamic needs to change to going with the flow
and being aware of their major transition.
All of us are beginners and hopefully willing to learn and make mistakes…JUST
KEEP THAT COMMUNICATION OPEN AND AVAILABLE….
Essentially…simplify! They may have known before to turn off the lights
but now, when they don’t, its not disrespect, it’s that the light
situation of the household is impossible to focus on. If they remember, great,
if not, they’re heads are somewhere else. It can feel like they’re
selfish or don’t care about what parents give to them, but look at who
our kids are, if there is real disrespect in them, they would not show it through
manipulating the lighting system of the house.
And cleaning their room, when did they ever do that? Putting things back in
the “proper” place, keeping the noise down, I don’t think
they have access to that dial.
So maybe they never volunteer to help out…it’s a bummer but they
know by now it would be nice, they just don’t do it. It’s pretty
much a no go when it comes to extra helping out but when they ask for help,
when they call to see what you’re doing, when they just sort of look at
you and say hi, you know they care, it’s just in a different form right
now.
We see them maturing, we see them growing and wobbly, they look older…older
than high school kids…they are smart and more independent and we love
that.
They are adjusting to not having their college routine; college friends, the
structure that they have been leaning into, and their partying weekends (that
believe me they know they can’t be open about at home)
They also feel the shift of parents, the relaxation and letting go by being
in their safe haven of home, and the contrast of …I don’t want to
talk to you parents about my issues right now…I am separated more and
want to figure things out or ask my friends…
For me , this time is a huge reminder that what I really want, is for my kid
to be happy, to feel at home, to find her own way with her thoughts and decisions
and to still know that I am always here for her…
My child continues to remind me, in her new presence, that my role is to live
my life, and to be real and loving with her, which includes all my feelings
that might get triggered. I am present with her, remembering in each moment
that what really matters, is that we want to learn how to love each other and
to be honest with each other, granted this is difficult at times.
We can do this by pausing, talking to our spouses and friends and sorting things
out before blowing up at them. Thinking it through and being aware of when is
a good time for them, as we know their moods are still changing.
And then comes the talk. “Well, now you have been home for awhile and
this is what has come up for me, what I need. Yes, parents have needs and boundaries
too and they really do get that. They get we are human more now than last year
because we haven’t been doing everything for them and they have felt what
it is like to have more to do and no parent to motivate, organize, or remind.
The college transition is a major stage of life development that college offers
our kids. The biggest stage of their GROWING UP…. That’s one reason
they made an earlier path of studying in school and developing friendships and
extra activities, so they could get into college…it is a journey and they
are feeling it, more now than ever, because they feel these new growth pains….
We need to remember they are on a journey…it is not all done now after
one year of college. They need our love, encouragement, teachings, and time
appropriate honesty…they really do. It is the best teacher, the honest
kind of support.
They have so many new feelings and thoughts that they are sorting and they
need to know we love them just as they are, even when we are flipping out about
some of their behaviors…we really are their anchor so they can keep shoving
off…
This is their journey and so often the troubles come when we, as parents, project
our history and how we think they ought to be stepping in their life…yes,
we can give opinions, but practice not being attached to the results…
we want them to find their own way….
June 2004
By Natalie Caine |
Send five post cards to friends just to touch in and feel connected with this
empty nest vacancy. Take a walking meditation with a “seed” of an
idea and let nature feed your idea with thoughts like, I could do that, or I
could add that, or I could let so and so help me with this part.
Get some magazines and tear out some of your favorite words, pictures and glue
them down with no order and no theme in mind . Whatever caught your interest
in that 15 minutes… Then you can see if any idea comes to you from this collage.
Ask at bedtime to remember a dream about WHAT IS THE NEXT STEP FOR ME? I AM
OPEN TO RECEIVING IDEAS. Keep paper and pencil or a small recorder at your bedside
so you can take note of them… Keep going, don’t stop if nothing comes. Keep
asking.
Have an afternoon tea party, where you provide the goodies and invite some friends.
Even if it is only one friend to support you in hearing how you are feeling
and in what they think you would enjoy doing, now that you have more free time…
Let people help you…You have been the nurturer for so long. It is your time
to receive support, so jot down what you need even if it is “impossible”
to imagine getting.. DARE TO DREAM Make a list now and then, or daily if you
can, of what you are grateful for…This helps with the loneliness and the creativity.
Fill in the blank: if I wasn’t expected to ……I could go and do….. Don’t
tell anyone, but I am secretly wanting to…..
Give yourself about 45 minutes and make a list of all of your accomplishments,
as far back, as you can remember…
We need encouragement and we deserve to have it, so choose someone you feel
safe with and begin there to share yourself. Share some writing you did, or
ideas, or art or music, or even a wild trip you want to make happen… Get encouragement.
Rent movies and yes watch them in the middle of the day…. no one has to know.
Go to a movie even if you can’t find someone to go with you…. just go.. Listen
to music, get a massage. Read a magazine, Buy a cup of coffee or tea, go see
an art exhibit, even if you only have 30 minutes…This way you are feeding
yourself…
Complete the following sentences:
The next time I am sad, I will……
My treats are…..
I want you to give me….
I laugh when…
I can’t imagine…
If I were to call my own bluff, I’d realize I…
Is it ok to sleep on ideas, and do nothing with them.
Remind myself I don’t have to know anything yet, I do have practice being gentle
with myself and letting others care for me…
By Natalie Caine |
I think when your child is gone off to college there are times the aging fear comes to visit. I have noticed I internally feel very energetic and most days I still have energy to do all I want to do, but that haunting feeling that I am “aging” visits me.
It is not the way I look, like sagging or wrinkles, or less toned, it is that I am older. Simply older. I have a child in college and that marks that time has truly leapt ahead and I don’t have forever to be around. Sometimes that feeling is a motivator for me to check in with myself and be sure I am taking my vitamins, getting some exercise, taking time to quiet myself , breathe and drop into a short meditative place, and that I am having fun and feeling some pride in me.
A time to grieve what I probably won’t ever be doing or have and a time to appreciate who I am and what I do have in life. That is where some of the sorrow comes from when we are Empty Nesters. There’s a NOTICING of oneself that life is different now…. I still feel that I have my inner youth and didn’t lose it when my young adult daughter, who carried so much of that energy, went off to college. I still have my own youthful feeling and I am proud of it. That energy gives me dreams and aliveness.
At this stage of my life, and actually since that powerful menopause heat, that visited me early in life, I know how to ask for what I want and I have my own voice, so the power side of me is a good friend, along with the youthful inner energy. But patience is still a challenge. I am doing better, but with this transition of life and wanting what I want, because the clock is ticking, I sometimes get irritable because “I JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN.”
I am not always as tolerant about the mundane parts of the day.When those feelings come up, I see them as a time to check in again and feel into what do I need right now… I do feel better when I slow down that way and check in because I know I am being good to myself. Most of the time, I hear an inner answer of what I need then. It could be, as easy as, slow down, get off your feet and do nothing, or I need to get out of here, meaning I need to get out of town and have some nurturing , relaxation, or out of town meaning , change the scenery and just go to a different part of town for dinner or a museum.
Nature renews me and I like going for walks and eating yummy foods. Where I live, I get those chances because the weather is more consistent. I say I am going to take my art supplies, but don’t always because then my inner pusher could come out and tell me I have to “GET SOMETHING DONE SO DO ART.” What I need is to simply be and space out . So I take nothing with me but food.
It is a learning process to figure out what you need and how to get it. I am ok with experimenting. I just know that I am committed to me and caring for me. Great if others join in, but the truth is, it is up to me to check in with myself and at the same time ask for help.. Oh the joys of being “an ADULT.”
So remind yourself that, as I tell my daughter, “it is normal to feel this way. Treat yourself well, as you would advise a friend that came to you for help. Advise yourself that, too. BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF.”
By Natalie Caine |
I’ve been thinking about her going off to college for years… I thought if
I think about it , it would better prepare me… like prevention from pain…
I doubt if that will work… I wish for her to discover more of what she likes
and dislikes.
To develop inner resources of when to say yes and when to say no
To take safe risks
To of course have fun and develop creativity
To make relationships that add to her and to others
To give, to be helpful
To trust her choices and feelings
To be gentle with herself when she makes mistakes or feels irresponsible
To be forgiving of herself and then others in time
To ask for help
To be silly
To laugh
To play outside
To rest
To get into nature for spiritual renewal
To pray
To be grateful for each day
To take her time
To eat well and sleep with regular hours
To do art
To write for fun and release
To sing in the shower
To take responsibility with gentle words and action
To be open
To allow life rather than the need to push life.
To notice
To develop being in the moment
To take breaks and go outside… move around
To have a list of what’s fun for her and act on it
To have a list of how to rejuvenate and act on it
To surprise someone
To play
To visit the question… what is the meaning of her life
TO visit the question… what is love
To visit the question what are her beliefs
To check… is she in or off balance today
To ask… what does she need today
To ask … what do they need today
To dance and twirl
To develop compassion and generosity
To read for fun
To take photos
To meditate
To nap
To discover what is fun for her
To discover different types of love
To change
To ……..
Natalie Caine, M.A. natalie@lifeintransition.org